Song: Do I Deserve It by Sushi Soucy.

Characters: Garvin.

Context: Watch Garvin gaslight himself, basically.

TWs: I mean- Mentioned abuse??? Him gaslighting himself to the extreme?

*~*~*~*

*We are literally just looking at different tactics Garvin has to try and get through the time he spent in the sketchy gang/mafia. First, we have him rationalizing and basically just trying to change his idea of consent. Taking what Fintan has told him, that people do it because they love and/or want him, and trying to use that to convince himself that it’s good, that he wants it to be happening.*

Garvin, ‘compliment’ here referring to the things happening + the things said to him during it and ‘stranger’ referring to, well, the strangers doing it; “I can only take a compliment from a stranger..”

Garvin, trying to further insinuate to himself that it really is just like a compliment; “I don’t trust the people who are closest to me to tell the truth.. ‘Cause what if they’re just saving my feelings and they pity me? So they just say what’s nice.”

*Next bit here is going over what’s probably the most prominent of his tactics. Him gaslighting himself into believing that he enjoys the stuff happening to him. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t have many issues with calling it abuse at first. Only, uh, he only ever did so sarcastically. Like a joke. Like he doesn’t actually think it’s abuse. Which, to be fair, he didn’t. He knew people outside if it would though (because it is) and decided that calling it that as a joke at times would also help to convince himself it’s not. Because would he joke about it if it was? Well, I mean, yeah. But he thought his answer to that was no. So.*

Garvin, jokingly calling it abuse to try to convince himself that it’s not abuse and it’s not them being mean but actually the opposite; “I enjoy ‘abuse’ because if you're ‘mean’ to me, I can trust you’ll tell the truth.. I enjoy ‘abuse’ ‘cause I feel like I deserve it...”

Garvin, that tactic doesn’t work at first, and he instead starts doing what he should do, which is question why he’s putting up with it; “Do I deserve it..?”

Garvin, unfortunately he very quickly instead twists that too, to just be him questioning if he deserves the people ‘loving/wanting’ him; “Do I deserve it?”

*The next tactic, he adopts because he notices he still feels terrible even after he’s mostly convinced himself of that first tactic we went over. This one is him deciding that him feeling terrible is obviously just something being wrong with him.*

Garvin, continuing the first tactic and trying to convince himself that he’s feeling bad after it happens just because of the fact that he’s himself; “I crave affection constantly but then once I get it, I’ll remain unsatisfied... And there’s nothing I can do to fill the hole that’s gaping inside me... That is there because I have no real self worth...”

*Just a repeat of that second tactic to show how much all of it ends up working. Which is a lot, actually.*

Garvin, again jokingly calling it all abuse and mean, but also jokingly asking whether or not he deserves it as if he knows he does in the ideal of it being them ‘loving/wanting’ him; “I enjoy ‘abuse’ because if you’re mean to me, I can trust you’ll tell the truth. I enjoy ‘abuse’ ‘cause I feel like I deserve it. Don’t I deserve it?”

Garvin, now when he questions himself, it’s him questioning if he actually deserves what he does for the most part believes to be them ‘loving/wanting’ him; “..Don’t I deserve it?”

*Now comes for something that isn’t a tactic, but instead a consequence of the tactics. Him having even lower self esteem.*

Garvin, friends kind of refers to people he’s met like the pirates or similar to them, the lower self esteem making him question if he deserves people ‘loving/wanting’ him; “I’ve had so many friends who’ve left me on a whim... Suddenly cut ties for reasons that I can’t explain and yet I end up feeling I’m the one to blame... ‘Cause if everybody loved me, I must be doing something wrong, right? It’s the only thing I think of at night... People shouldn’t make the same mistake twice...”

Garvin, using the tactics we went over now also as a way to boost his terrible self worth, like a ‘look on the brightside’ sort of thing; “But.. I enjoy ‘abuse.’”

Song: Do What I Gotta by Naethan Apollo.

Characters: Garvin and Fintan. (Kenneth and Yari are mentioned)

Context: We’re going over time in the sketchy gang/mafia with this one. Kind of what all of these songs do, to be honest.

TWs: I mean, nothing more than implications or implied mentions?

*~*~*~*

*We start off strong with the singular intro line of the song. It’s literally one line. Anyways. I guess it works for when Garvin met Fintan and ended up being brought into the sketchy gang/mafia.*

Fintan, already scheming, seriously, this guy saw a child stealing and immediately went up to him and started scheming; “Hello!”

*That was literally all the first line was. Now we have as Garvin starts to get settled into the sketchy gang/mafia. Fintan hasn’t started bringing him to parties yet. Garvin got around a week that was basically just Fintan introducing him to a life where money wasn’t an issue. You know, trying to make sure that when he starts doing his shit Garvin’s less likely to either leave or tell anyone.*

Garvin, rather quickly adjusting to the fast-paced nature of the sketchy gang/mafia, practically soaking up the positive reinforcement the other members, especially Fintan, give him; “I’ma do what I gotta. This city’s got issues, lucky for us though I’m a one man armada. Since nobody else really wanna step up, I’ll take care of all this drama. I’ma do what’s best, if I get knocked down, I’ll start back up from the bottom. ‘Get it done,’ baby, that’s my motto.”

Garvin, the idea of spoiling him for a week before starting anything works really well, because he really does begin to see the sketchy gang/mafia as his way of making it; “I’m a bottle half full ‘cause I got a good feeling that this world really will start healing- ‘Long as I do my part and keep a head start, our future looks so appealing!”

*Little time skip as the alternating highs and lows start rolling in due to everything Fintan’s doing and all. Each line is a different time with different stuff happening, haha.*

Garvin, still reeling from the night before; “I’ma do what I gotta, this city’s got issues..”

Garvin, during one of the highs, with a heavily inflated sense of self worth; “Lucky for us though, I’m a one man armada!”

Garvin, referencing a different part of how he managed to quickly move up in the sketchy gang/mafia; “Since nobody else really wanna step up, I’ll take care of all this drama.”

Garvin, trying to rationalize what’s happening and convince himself it’s the better option; “I’ma do what’s best, if I get knocked down, I’ll start back up from the bottom.”

Garvin, another one of the highs, quoting Fintan and using that as a place to boost his ego; “‘Get it done, baby,’ that’s my motto!”

*And now we switch on over to Fintan! Just because I think you should know some more about him, haha.*

Fintan, to Kenneth, he only ever made threats he would actually go through with, and he wasn’t afraid to let people know ahead of time when their time was running out; “Count your days, I don’t care what city you stay, I don’t care what path that you walk. The fact that you walk’s enough to get slain, ‘nough to feel pain.”

Fintan, to Garvin, one way he gaslit our boy was to normalize what was happening, make it seem normal, like something everyone had going on at one point and those that didn’t were an exception from the majority, not the other way around; “Not so insane to just let the smart people choose where you can go, what you can do.”

Fintan, to Garvin, another way he gaslit our boy was literally just being nice to him, positive reinforcement, being buddy-buddy with him, it worked really well too; “We are your friends, we’re in your crew, we are like you.”

Fintan, probably the worst move he could make, he loves to brag about what he’s able to get away with; “Or that’s what we say, and suckers like him fall for lies everyday.”

Fintan, to Yari, when Yari ends up finding out about what’s going on, Fintan doesn’t hesitate to threaten him; “Your choice is easy, just pick a side. But pick the wrong one, and you’ll probably die.”

*And now, we skip to after Yari’s death but before Garvin leaves the sketchy gang/mafia. After Yari’s death, Fintan really starts to do just about whatever he wants and doubles down on everything. He’d basically just succeeded in proving that no one would ever believe that he was doing any of it, after all.*

Fintan, to Garvin, yet another tactic, making himself seem like a better choice than if it was someone else, after all at least he’s trying to help him; “I’ma do what I gotta, this city’s got issues.”

Garvin, to Fintan, at an odd impasse where he both hates himself and is completely convinced that he’s doing great, kind of referencing how good he’s gotten at stealing people’s money during it; “Lucky for us though, I’m a one man armada!”

Fintan, to Garvin, kind of referencing how it seems like no one can stop him; “Since nobody else really wanna step up, I’ll take care of all this drama.”

Garvin, to Fintan, basically showing off just how much he’s managed to be convinced that everything happening is good; “I’ma do what’s best, if I get knocked down, I’ll start back up from the bottom!”

Fintan, to Garvin, grinning and using that positive reinforcement; “Get it done, baby.”

Garvin, to Fintan, grinning, further showing how he believes it to be good/beneficial for both of them; “That’s our motto!”