And here it is! The first installment of Keeping Cards Close-
It's Sow!
Enjoy, haha
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Keeping Cards Close
Installment 1 - It’s Sow!
Characters; Garvin (and others), Revan, and Akira. Rest of GRAIN is mentioned in varying degrees.
Word Count; 2,335.
TWs; Swearing, arguing, mentions of drugs/overdose, mentions of past suicide attempts, mentions of past hospitalizations, ‘mild’ flashbacks, varying levels of dissociation, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, trust issues, panic/anxiety attacks, lots of lying/downplaying, depression, self-hatred, internalized ableism, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, kind of threats of suicide, smoking, and messy writing/ending. Maybe more? Hard to say.
Notes; This entire argument is just Garvin misunderstanding what’s being said. He’s assuming the worst consistently and just running with it. The threat isn’t really on purpose, by the way. But, well. Oops. Akira doesn’t talk much, admittedly. Just because Garvin kind of jumps into self-destructive territory very quickly and it’s hard to side with him without basically implying ‘Yeah, Garvin, you should kill yourself’ so. You know. Akira gets into some hard to navigate territory pretty quickly. Did Garvin leave through a window? Yep. Perks of typhokinesis. Anyways, uh… Boiling Point happened anywhere from two weeks to two months before this. So… Yeah. Hopefully everyone is written well. There’s a lot of blurriness for the system in this too, and a lot of passive influence. Mostly from Jersey and the major addiction holders of the system. Oh, and some of the July Sidesystem too but well, you know. Anyways… Does it make sense as to why Garvin didn’t want Aries to tell anyone now?
*~*~*~*
The day had started out fine, it’d been a good day, really. All things considered. Things were good. Garvin didn’t even feel like complete shit. It wasn’t a bad pain day or sensory day or mood day or… Anything else. Everyone else seemed to be doing alright too, even. Vega and Polaris were baking together in the kitchen area of the apartment. Altair had the tv on, and the two of them were rewatching the original Star Trek series. Sirius was on his phone, sitting in a chair in the living room area with them, glancing over at him every now and then. Which… Was a little odd. Maybe. But everyone had been worried about him since he woke up in the hospital again. Probably longer.
-
Vans hadn’t talked to him much since he woke up though. Other than an apology that didn’t make sense, the two had barely spoken. Garvin… Wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong. Rev had been the one to apologize to him though, so he wasn’t sure if he had done something wrong. He’d assumed that the apology was just because Lacerta always liked to feel guilty about stuff that he wasn’t at fault for. Like him apparently trying to take his own life again. He still couldn’t… The memory wasn’t there. Maybe he’d been drunk. He couldn’t remember it. His memory was shit anyway though.
-
He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about it anyway. Not to the point that he wasn’t paying attention to the original Star Trek series, at least. But Specs was still looking at him. As if something was wrong. So Garvin looked over at him, flashing a grin to cover up any worry that would’ve shown on his face instead. He kept his voice even, as casual as he possibly could. “Y’good, Sirius?”
-
Aki shifted at the sound of his voice, sitting up from where they’d been leaning against him, glancing over at Rev. Specs hadn’t looked away yet, which seemed like progress. He took a breath, his voice kept level. Collected. Slow. Like he was choosing his words carefully. “I was thinking that… Maybe. It could, potentially, be good for you to… Ask about antidepressants at your next appointment?”
-
Garvin blinked. He hadn’t really expected it to be something… Like that. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting. He shifted. There had to be more to it. He didn’t even really need them anyway. He was doing fine without them. There had to be more to it. For now, he raised a smug eyebrow, settled into a half amused look. “Good joke, Vans.”
-
Lacerta’s brow twitched. Which just had to mean there was more to it. “I’m not–” Garvin watched him take a breath. “I think something like that would be beneficial for you, Garvin.”
-
Kira paused the show next to him, eyes on Specs and voice just as level. Were they in on it? In on what though? Garvin wasn’t sure. “If he don’ wanna bring it up to ‘er then he doesn’t ‘ave to, Revan.”
-
Sirius made a face, probably staring at Akeri. “But he should, Akira.” He took another breath, eyes landing back on him. Garvin tried not to feel too out of the loop. “If you don’t want to because of money, I again remind you that wouldn’t be an issue. But I really do think you should bring it up.”
-
He let his grin deepen, thinking about it. Just for a second. Shit like that was a bit of cash he didn’t feel like spending. Even more so on himself. He couldn’t exactly come out and say that though, given how Rev had already– And there it was. That had to be it. Right? Lacerta wanted another thing to throw in the pot. Another thing he could use in fights. Another thing he could use when he finally got sick of him. Another thing he could use to keep him in his debt, owing him. Another thing to laud over him and boast and control and– Fuck that. Not happening.
-
So he smiled, hummed in thought, and then spoke in as casual a voice as he could. “Mm, nah. ‘M good, y’know? I’d ‘ave ta quit ev’rythin’ else, after all. Right? Sounds a bit much. ‘Specially fer somethin’ like…” He paused, bit at his lip as if he were thinking, and then dropped his voice into being as smug as he could. “Y’know. That.”
-
There was another twitch of Raven’s brow, and he tried not to let his grin widen. If Row hadn’t wanted a fight, then he shouldn’t have tried to get another upper hand against him. The guy had plenty. Why did he even want more? Maybe because of Aquila? Because they seemingly always took his side? There had to be something going on there too, if he was being honest with himself. No one would side with him over someone that actually has money. Least of all someone like Cass, who knew what not having money was like.
-
“You aren’t ‘good’ though, Garvin, and ‘everything else’ isn’t helping you. You should be quitting that stuff. All of it. Or at least cutting back on it. It’s not good for you, antidepressants would be.” Vans was starting to get annoyed, if he had to take a guess. Which meant he’d been right, probably.
-
“Leave it, Revan.” Amber’s tone was warning. He still wasn’t sure what the deal with them was. There had to be something going on there.
-
Specs’ eyes went to Thistle, narrow. His voice was gettijg more irritated. “Why? Frankly, you should be cutting back or quitting too.”
-
He grinned, gestured with a hand towards himself to draw the eyes onto him again. “Uh, ‘cause m’fine witout tha’ shit?”
-
“Maybe today, but what about tomorrow? In a week? A month? I’m just… I’m trying to help.”
-
He kept himself from scoffing. Kept himself where he was. Something was going on. No one was ever just trying to help. Help themself, maybe. He shifted, still looking at Raven, still grinning. “Well, I don’ need it. ‘M fine.”
-
Lacerta made a face, voice almost desperate. Trying to collect himself, trying to calm himself down, even as he spoke. Even as he sat up, as if he was going to stand, his hands gesturing. “You tried to kill yourself, Garvin! Again! You lied to us about what was wrong and tried to kill yourself! That is not you being fine. I don’t want you ending up in the hospital again.”
-
His blood froze. Because that was it, wasn’t it? Hospital bills cost more than antidepressants. Row was trying to cut down on costs. Because of him. Trying to cut down on costs and get another upper hand against him. Well, if he wanted to talk about cheaper choices… “Then jus’ don’ take me ta one.”
-
His voice was more biting than he’d meant for it to be. More biting than Vans had expected from him too, if the look on his face was anything to go off of. He felt Aquila tense beside him, as if they hadn’t even expected his tone either. Or his words, it was hard to say. Which meant that something was definitely going on.
-
“That’s– Not what I said.” Rev’s voice was off kilter as he started to sit back again, like he was almost confused.
-
He didn’t bother trying to figure out why. He was still trying to figure out what was going on with the two of them. Maybe Specs was just surprised by his tone. Which, it was too late to go back. He kept his voice smug, just as biting. “Oh? It's not? Thought’cha didn’ wan’ me goin’ ta the– The, uh…” He paused. Shifted, ran his tongue against the top of his mouth. The word didn’t want to work with him. He knew what it was. He knew the word. Lacerta had basically just said it. He took a breath, tried again, keeping his voice smug. As if the pause was something he’d done on purpose. “Goin’ there ‘gain.”
-
Raven didn’t bat an eye at the trip up, which meant that he was apparently well on his way to actually making him mad. “I don’t want you needing to go to the hospital again!”
-
He let his grin widen at that, let his voice drop into venom. Just a smidge. “Well, I already told ya ta jus’ not take me!” He dropped his volume. For all he knew, Gall and Niki were still baking. He let his tone smoothen out, covered it in as much confidence and smugness as he could. “‘Sides, tha’s jus’ more reason fo’ me not ta quit an’thing.”
-
Row’s face twisted, it was almost funny. Seeing the way that dropping his voice made Vans respond to the quieter shit. He sat up again, anger painting his face. “It’s more reason for you to quit, if anything! You could end up in the hospital accidentally because of all that— That shit! But what about July, huh? How many of those ‘accidental’ overdoses were actually accidental? I’d be willing to bet that most, if not all, of them weren’t!”
-
His throat closed for a moment, he kept his grin locked in place. Lacerta’s words rattled in his brain. His stupid, fucking brain. He blinked. Tried to get past July and back to the moment.
-
Aquila beat him to it, and it made him realize that they’d been quiet for… A while. Their tone was warning. It sounded muffled. “Revan—”
-
“Akira.” Lacerta was definitely mad. He didn’t like interrupting people. He didn’t do that unless he was mad. It felt like it was too late to go back on anything. His tone was just as much of a warning as Aki’s had been, the volume lower than it had been. There was an edge to it that he couldn’t quite read, not with how muffled it seemed too. Almost desperate, maybe. It was hard to tell. “I’m right. And you know that I’m right.”
-
It felt like he was underwater again, with his ears full of water or cotton or something that was making everything seem far away. A single fucking word wasn’t something that should’ve caused it. It still did, and he was stuck blinking to try and get back.
-
“We— We still can’t jus’ make ‘im quit if he don’t wanna!” Thistle seemed desperate too. He wasn’t sure what either of them were desperate for.
-
Well. There was one idea that made sense to him.
-
Vans stood up then, eyes still on Amber. “So what then? We’re just supposed to let him overdose and end up in the hospital? We’re just supposed to let him continue trying to kill himself?! What happens if he overdoses and no one’s around? What if we don’t get him to the hospital in time one day? What then? He could die! You took his pocket knife and hid it! How is this any different?! I don’t want him in the hospital again! I don’t want him trying to kill himself and needing to go to the hospital again!”
-
He’d already found his pocket knife, gotten it back. He’d hidden it back into one of the pockets of his trench coat. He hadn’t realized that the others didn’t know yet though. He… Wasn’t going to tell them. They didn’t need to know. It’d only make them worry more than they already did.
-
Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe the only reason they cared about this at all was because he’d never managed to actually fucking die. He wouldn’t be surprised. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t already known it. He set his jaw, let his grin widen, and dropped his voice into smug venom. It sounded just as far as everyone else had to him. “Well tha’s easy ta fix too, Row, I jus’ won’t try ta kill m’self next time ‘round.”
-
That made both of them go silent. Which… That seemed a little odd. Maybe. Or maybe they’d both just gotten the answer they’d wanted from him. Maybe the whole thing had been planned by the two of them. Raven was making a face though, twisted and almost scared even, and it didn’t really make sense.
-
Specs groaned, and the fear twisted into some sort of anger that he couldn’t recognize. He’d seen it before though, hadn’t he? “That’s not– How did you even come up with that?! I didn’t say anything where that makes sense as a response!”
-
He let himself scoff at that, just for a moment, before pulling his grin right back up. “Well it solves yer probl’ms, don’t it?”
-
Lacerta clenched his fists, “Why is it so– You’re impossible to have a civil conversation with! I– People care about you! They don’t want you to die!”
-
He fought the urge to bite his tongue, keeping his grin up and wide. He stood up. Raven shifted back, looking up at him. He stared down at him for a moment, ignored the rushing water in his ears, and stretched his grin, huffing out a mirthless laugh as he spoke. “Well, tha’s jus’ too bad fer ‘em then, ain’t it? Glad tha’ you know betta at least.”
-
He shifted, turned, and started walking towards the bedroom. He didn’t look at Aquila as he went, set on ignoring the eyes on him. He was tired. Row’s voice followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?”
-
He didn’t stop when he answered. “Gettin’ m’shoes. Need sum air. Y’know, tha’ y’ain’t breathin’.”
-
He closed the bedroom door behind him before either of them could say anything. Thistle’s voice picked up from beyond the door, quickly followed by Row’s. He didn’t care enough to know what was being said as the two continued. He put on his shoes, lit a cigarette, and picked up his trench coat on his way to the bedroom window. By the time that he had the window unlocked and open, his trench coat was on.
Winter 
Day Weather: 
Blizzard
