Song; Feel Better by Penelope Scott.
(With some slight adjustments to better fit the characters)
Characters; Devery, Mergen, and Garvin.
Context;
So this… Goes over quite a bit of stuff. It’s going to give you some more information about Mergen, give some more information about Devery, and show you just how effective some of Andi’s tactics were.
Fair warning, this is another where I’ll explain what the lines refer to in some places, and give context with characters actually saying lines at other times. Mostly just going to be explaining what lines refer to, haha. Approximate ages won’t be given because figuring out how to do that with the explanation of lines is a bit hard. Just know that with Garvin, it’s taking place after the almost two years spent in the Andi situation. I feel like that works better for this. So… Prepare for that.
*~*~*~*
I don't wanna feel better
No one's ever gonna love me like that again
I don't wanna get over you
I wanna sit with you in bed
Starting strong, this relates to one of Mergen’s exes. The one that they were the closest to, had thought was going to last but didn’t.
I don't wanna feel better
I'd give anything to miss you again
I don't wanna get over it
I wanna get under it instead
This one relates to Devery, his power, and his brothers. It’s not any gross way. Just that Devery wishes he still missed them, instead of the empty void that comes from his power. Just that Devery wishes he could be swarmed by emotions instead of nothingness. (Get over it - Flatten. Get under it- Emotions.)
/This is just to make sure the change to a verse isn’t too odd
A book sits on top of clean and messy blankets
On a bed that fuckin' creaks at night when I get in it late
And late at night, I'm chugging Gatorade
And someone's breaking up when I crack up
Because I know I'll never know just what to say
Back to Mergen at these lines, just some insight of what their life growing up was like. That’s all. Just some insight of what their life was like before the rebellion and before running away from home.
~Switch in timeline/style~
*Mergen and Garvin have a lot of conversations, it was bound to happen that someone complains in the conversations. A sober Garvin is not as willing to sit and listen to complaining though.*
Mergen, complaining off hand about life as one does; “I'm a communist, a terrorist, an MPDG thot or I'm a sad kid in a dorm room, living out the shady Christian plot of Twilight or The Bible or The Lover by Duras…”
Garvin, having a slight moment of lashing out while sober; “Or we’re just really fuckin' selfish and really fuckin' lost.”
*Switching the timeline up a bit, Mergen’s younger here and arguing with parents. It was only a few days, at max, before they left.*
Mergen, absolutely yelling; “But someone loved me, someone fucking loved me! Someone fucking loved me and I fuckin' loved them too!”
*Switching up the timeline a lot and perspectives to a sober Garvin, alone with his thoughts and nothing at all to think about except for everything he doesn’t want to think about. Yes, these lines refer to the almost two years spent in Andi’s basement. Keep in mind, it’s likely that this isn’t actually said aloud.*
Garvin, totally not breaking down a bit; “Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something! I had my cake, I ate it, it ate me too and, God, no— I don't wanna feel better!”
~Switch in timeline/style~
I don’t wanna feel better
I’d do anything to miss you again
I don’t wanna get over it
I wanna rip it to shreds
These lines refer to the complicated mess of emotions that Garvin deals with whenever he does think about, well any of his trauma but more specifically, the trauma connected to almost two years that were spent in a basement.
~Switch in timeline/style~
*Just like how Garvin and Mergen have their conversations, Devery joins the talks rather often. He might as well, right? You know- Since they insist on not leaving him alone. Mhm. Yeah. And just like how Garvin and Mergen have times where complaining is just natural, Devery’s joined in on those two. Especially when the three are drinking together.*
Devery, complaining about his life growing up; “We kept our liquor in a suitcase underneath my bed and we drank it to go out or just stay in or to feel sad… But in a good way, a way I'll fuckin' never have again. The sun has begun to set…”
Mergen, complaining right back at Devery about their life growing up; “I was a socialist, Marxist, libertarian slut. I was an awkward teenage virgin and I sort of kinda laughed a lot in bed. But other times, I cried or didn't make noise at all.”
Garvin, offhandedly towards himself; “I'd give my life to have a room that feels that small…”
*Switch up the timeline a bit, Devery and that family drama. Again, this is about brotherly love. Just some late night regrets about leaving those brothers behind.*
Devery, staring at his ceiling; “'Cause someone loved me, someone fucking loved me… Someone fucking loved me, I loved them too…”
*Again, switching it up a bit. Just a continuation of Garvin’s totally not mental breakdown. Despite his attempts to never think about or look at his trauma, distractions only work if there are any. This is, again, referring to the almost two years spent in Andi’s basement. And again, he’s more likely to not actually be saying it aloud.*
Garvin, totally not breaking down; “Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' earned something! I had a right to die, a right to live, a right to choose, too— And God, no! Of course I don't wanna feel better! Can you fucking imagine?!”
~Switch in timeline/style~
No one's ever gonna love me like that again
I don't wanna get over it
These lines refer to those almost two years again. This time though, it’s more bitter or resentful, more of the feelings that drove him being able to get out instead of how effective the tactics were. The first line is more resentful, bitter, and sarcastic. The second line, well, getting over it would mean there’s something to get over to begin with. And refusing to look at or think about trauma says not to acknowledge that there is any. So… Yeah.
I wanna rip the stars to shreds
I don't wanna feel better
Also a Garvin line, this time more of a moment for all of his trauma. The stars mean a lot to Garvin, in all honesty. Mostly because of Navis. It’s also again referring to not letting himself acknowledge that trauma, that there isn’t anything to feel better about (and how that causes things to fester instead).
~Switch in timeline/style~
*Switch up the timeline again, showing just how effective some of the tactics were. Not the love one, that one was probably the least effective actually. It also hints at some of what happened though. One of the only times Garvin let himself acknowledge anything of what happened and even then, the aftermath of that decision sucked. Does Garvin have the potential to, while sober, acknowledge his trauma in private only to then be overwhelmed by it and end up in the hospital from an overdose from attempting to forget the trauma? Yes, yes he does. And again, all this is more likely not said out loud.*
Garvin; “Of course it hurt, of course it fuckin' hurt! It hurt like nothing in the world sometimes and I was super scared, and I was still a train-wreck and also somehow making it… I think I might've died there twice, and I would do it all again…”
*Switch it up for some more information about Mergen. Their family was, in fact, transphobic, other than their younger brother. Paired with that religious trauma and we got some problems.*
Mergen; “I'm a nihilist, a soldier, a BPD-machine… Or I'm a healthy baby-boy who traded sunshine for disease!”
*Switch it up for Devery! This one’s actually a bit odd, since it mostly refers to how despite how he acts like he doesn’t care (and how his ability can make him not care), he does. And that includes caring for his friends and how the world just seems to be out to get them at times. And, yes, Garvin’s references to stars and whatnot have kind of rubbed off on him a bit though for separate reasons than why Garvin mentions them.*
Devery; “But when my head hit my cheap pillow, I could tell I had a heart and I wanna tear this fascist Milky Way apart.”
*Switch it up back to that brotherly love, this time trying to shift some of that blame so that he doesn’t regret it as much.*
Devery; “'Cause someone loved me, someone fuckin' loved me… All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew…”
*Switch it up again to show just how effective some of those tactics were. This time as a little glimpse to the calm before the storm that is the aftermath of a breakdown.*
Garvin; “Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something… And it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food…”
*Switch it up again to that ex I mentioned earlier for Mergen. The ex where they thought it would last, the one that they were closest to, but it didn’t. A bit of a hint of those abandonment issues that Mergen has.*
Mergen; “I guess I loved you, I guess I really loved you… All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew. And now you're over there, and I'm way over here… What am I gonna do?”
~Switch in timeline/style~
I don't wanna feel better
No one's ever gonna love me like that again
I don't wanna get over you
I wanna sit with you in bed
I don't wanna feel better
Ending it strong, some this relates to each of them. The first and last line relates to Garvin and his refusal to acknowledge that there’s any trauma to feel better about, and how effective some of the tactics were and some of how he managed to survive the almost two years. The second line relates to Mergen and that ex, hinting a bit more at those abandonment issues. The third and fourth line relate to Devery, his brothers, his ability, and his regrets.
Winter Month: 3 
Night 
