*At a speed dating event*
Irfam: Oh wow, people are really shallow.
???: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate?
Irfam: *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet.
???: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again.
-
Irfam: You’re not jealous, are you?
???: No!
Irfam: Good, ‘cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
-
Irfam: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.
???: Bro, relax it was just a dream.
Irfam: Huh, gay, I wouldn’t fuck you.
???: You wouldn’t?
Irfam: I mean, unless you want to-
-
Irfam: Fuck you.
???: No u.
Irfam: I'm down.
???: You're like 2, what the fuck-
Irfam: I AM NOT 2!
-
Irfam: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.
???: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one?
Irfam: Seize the dick.
-
Irfam: Look, last night was a mistake.
???: A sexy mistake.
Irfam: No, just a regular mistake.
-
Irfam: Bro-
???: No, no, hold up, rewind.
???: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??
-
Irfam: Listen, we’re done, we’re over! Okay?
???: Whatever bitch, you ain’t never gonna find no one like me.
Irfam: Yeah, that's the point shithead!
-
Irfam: I owe you one.
???: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.
-
???: Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreshing.
Irfam: Are you a software update? Because not right now.
-
Irfam: Are you trying to seduce me?
???: Why, are you seducible?
-
Irfam: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!
???: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?
Irfam: I don't know, surprise me!
-
Ash: H-how do you ask someone out?
???: Well, first-
Irfam: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.
Ash: ...And you said yes?
-
Irfam: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.
???: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.
Irfam: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.
Promachus, on a walkie talkie: This is Promachus, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.
-
Promachus: What have you done with Irfam?
???: Nothing. Why, do you think I should?
-
*playing twister*
Beste: Right hand red.
???: *ends up on top of Irfam*
Irfam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Beste: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.
-
Promachus: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?
Irfam: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you?
???: What the fuck is wrong with you two?
-
Promachus: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.
Irfam, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?
-
Irfam: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing.
???: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches.
-
Promachus: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.
Irfam: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.
-
Promachus: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Irfam: We could attack them with hummus.
Promachus: I stand corrected.
Irfam: Just keeping things in perspective.
-
Promachus: When was the last time you cried?
Irfam: Uh 15 minutes ago, why??
Promachus: really? That recent?
Irfam: Yeah *voice crack* is that an issue? *starts crying again*
-
Promachus: We need a plan to beat them.
Irfam: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
Promachus:
Irfam: Judge me all you want, I get results.
-
Promachus: Where are you going?
Irfam: Hell, eventually.
-
Irfam: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me.
???: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.
-
*Amos and Irfam are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*
Amos: oh my god, Irfam, backwards!
Irfam: Really, Amos? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.
-
Irfam: Go fuck yourself.
???, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch.