Oh the hints to all the angst I have planned that comes from incorrect quotes, haha
Kostas: So what do you have planned for the future?
Irfam: Lunch.
Kostas: No, like long term.
Irfam: Oh...um, dinner?
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Kostas: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?
Irfam: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.
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Promachus: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.
Irfam: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?
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Irfam: What goes up but never comes down?
Raphael: The amount of stress you're bringing to this family.
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Kostas: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Irfam: But what if something else happens just this one time.
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Kostas: You have an impressive pain tolerance.
Irfam: Thanks, it's the trauma.
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Irfam: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.
Kostas: That's great, Irfam. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.
-
Irfam, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
Kostas: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
Irfam:
Irfam: Water you doing?
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Amos: Hey Irfam, do you have any hobbies?
Irfam: Swimming..
Amos: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
Irfam: In a pool of self hatred and regret.
-
Irfam: *shoves their hand in the slot of a toaster*
Amos: …
Irfam: …I get confused sometimes.
Amos: Me too.
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Amos: Your future self is talking shit about you right now.
Irfam: Jokes on them. I'll ruin their fucking life.
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Amos: Irfam, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
Irfam: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?
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Irfam, trying to comfort Amos: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.
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Irfam: "I lost a bet."
Irfam: The second-most ominous phrase in existence.
Amos: What's the first?
Irfam: "Let's make a bet."
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Irfam: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Amos: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.
Irfam: You don’t have to wear…
Amos: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.
-
Irfam, texting Kostas: *sends a voice message*
Kostas, texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent?
Irfam: No, don’t worry, just listen later.
*later*
Kostas: *presses play*
Irfam's voice message: THERE’S A FIRE-
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Irfam: When life gives you lemons, what do you do?
Amos: Make lemonade!
Irfam: No, throw them back up in the sky and make life deal with its own shit.
-
Irfam: How do tall people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you?
Amos: Irfam, it's four o'clock in the morning.
Irfam: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?
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Irfam: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved me from giving an oral report about The Scarlet Web.
Amos: You were too lazy to read the book?!
Irfam: I was too lazy to watch the movie.
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Amos: Do you think sex without love is a sin?
Irfam: If it is, I’ll see you in hell.
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Promachus: Silence is golden.
Irfam: Duct tape is silver.
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Irfam: We’re having a moment, aren’t we?
Raphael: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.
-
Irfam: Whether or not I pay income taxes is none of the government's business.
Promachus: No, well, actually, it is.
Irfam: You don't know my name or what I look like, good luck finding me.
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Raphael: When do you usually go to sleep?
Irfam: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.
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Promachus: You either buckle down and do your work or you’ll end up at McDonalds.
Irfam: We're going to McDonalds if I don't do my work?
Promachus: NO-
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Amory: *angrily presses Irfam against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!
Irfam: ...
Irfam: Are we about to kiss-
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Kostas: Irfam, I need some advice.
Irfam: You need advice from ME?
Kostas: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?
-
Irfam: Kostas is playing hard to get.
Irfam: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.
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Irfam: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
Amos: Go the fuck to sleep Irfam.
-
Irfam: My head hurts.
Amory: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
-
Kostas: Irfam, can I ask you a question?
Irfam: You just did.
Kostas: Okay, can I ask you two questions?
Irfam: You just did.
Kostas, frustrated: OKAY, CAN I ASK YOU FOUR QUESTIONS?!
Irfam: You just did.
Kostas: When?!
Irfam: Just now.
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Irfam: Amos, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life?
Amos: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all.
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Irfam, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.
Kostas: I will short out the language center of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.
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Amos: I’m sad.
Irfam: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das.
Irfam: And das not good.
-
Irfam: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Kostas and not do the thing,
Irfam: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
Irfam: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*
-
Irfam: How stupid do you think I am?!
Amory: You really want an honest answer to that?
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Irfam: Even Promachus and I have been getting closer. The other day, they gave me half of their sandwich.
Promachus: I mistook them for a garbage can.
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Irfam: We have fun, don’t we, Kostas?
Kostas: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.
-
Irfam: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU!
Kostas: Okay, can you do the dishes?
Irfam: No!
-
Kostas: Irfam is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure.
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Amos: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Irfam: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
-
Kostas: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Irfam: Even better!
Kostas: What the fuck did you-
Irfam: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.
-
Irfam: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?
Amory: What did you just say-
Irfam: Foetons! *Laughs*
Amory: Wh-what?
-
Irfam: So I got this amazing plan!
Kostas: We fail almost every time you say that.
Irfam: Well this is the same! But with a hamster involved.
-
Irfam: Hey.
Raphael: *pissed off* You… complete …ASS, Irfam! You show up here after WEEKS, and you say “hey”?!
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Irfam: Kostas likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.
-
Irfam: Can I ask a dumb question?
Amory: Better than anyone I know.
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Promachus: Irfam just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.
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Amos, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?
Irfam: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*
Irfam:
Irfam: It's perfume.
-
Irfam: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons?
Amos: Um, make lemonade?
Irfam: No, they squeeze them right back into life’s eyes!
-
Irfam, holding a fork: You know you're talking a lot of shit for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each costing about $16,000 on the blackmarket.
Amory: ....
Irfam: *lip smack*
-
Irfam: Are pigeons drones?
Kostas: What? No, I'm trying to sleep.
Irfam: Think about it. How come you've never seen a baby pigeon? And why do you never actually see a pigeon nest? Because they're DRONES!
Kostas: *Crying* Please let me sleep…
-
Irfam, throwing their head into Kostas's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!
Kostas, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.
-
Irfam: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!
Promachus: That doesn't exist.
Irfam: Not with that attitude.
-
Amos: This is a very powerful artifact. You’d be messing with some forces we don’t fully understand.
Irfam: That sounds like a dare to me.
Amos: Oh my god.
-
Kostas: Why is there blood everywhere?
Irfam: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Kostas: You stabbed someone?!
Irfam: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.
-
Irfam: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP-
Kostas: ...Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE??
Irfam: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES!
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Irfam: Bonjour, Promachus. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi?
Promachus: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Irfam: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.
-
Amory: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant.
Irfam: Well, on a good day, I’m both.
-
Promachus: That sounds like a terrible plan.
Irfam: Oh, we've had worse.
-
Irfam: Don’t worry, I have a permit.
Kostas: ...This just says “I can do what I want”.
-
Irfam: *coughs blood*
Amos: Don't die, Irfam!
Irfam: Don't tell me what to do!
-
Irfam: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby?
Irfam: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us.
Irfam: I also want to softhack his circuits.
Promachus: I literally couldn't care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again.
-
Irfam: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Kostas: You and me!
Irfam: *tearing up* Ok.
-
Irfam: If it’s any consolation, they got me here on a very misleading text message.
Promachus: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.
-
Kostas: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
Irfam: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.
-
Irfam: Promachus, I screwed up, big time.
Promachus: Irfam, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.
-
Kostas: Irfam, no.
Irfam: Irfam, yes.
-
Kostas: Irfam, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand.
Irfam: Why? I'm fine on the stand!
*flashback to Testimony #1*
Irfam: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand.
Irfam, to the jury: MAN DID CRIME.
*flashback to Testimony #2*
Irfam: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: ...Crying?
*flashback to Testimony #3*
Irfam: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?
-
Irfam: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked?
Kostas: It’s just you.
-
Irfam: Are we fighting or flirting?
Promachus: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
Irfam: Your point?
-
Irfam: *texting* Hey can you pick me up I’m drunk.
Irfam: Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.
Promachus: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home.
-
Beste: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?
Irfam: It’s not water.
Beste: Vodka! I like your sty-
Irfam: It’s vinegar.
Beste: …What?
Irfam: It's vinegar, PUSSY.
-
Irfam: Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law’s face to weep in forfeit. You put those lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with ‘em! And maybe if you beat ‘em hard enough the bag will split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them into a citrus-y pulp!
Amos: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons?
Irfam: Whatever caves first!
-
Beste: Irfam, you were so wasted last night.
Irfam: I wasn't that drunk!
Beste: ...You called a taxi home.
Irfam: Yeah! It's called being responsible!
Beste: The party was at your house.
Irfam: ...Crap.
-
Irfam: They don’t make them like me any more. I’m the last of my kind.
Amory: Thank god.
-
Irfam: It’s not gonna work, I’m not a snitch.
Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with.
Irfam: Lmao, @Beste.
-
Irfam: I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit.
Kostas: Irfam, is that legal?
Irfam: When the cops aren’t around, anything’s legal!
-
Irfam: Why's it called an oven when you of in the cold food and you of out hot eat the food?
Kostas: ...What???
-
Irfam: You look good in that hoodie.
Amos: You know where else I'd look good?
Irfam, zero hesitation: My bed.
Amos, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?
-
Irfam: Talk dirty to me, baby~
Kostas: The dishes.
Irfam: Wh-
Kostas: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.
-
Irfam: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.
Kostas: What did you do Irfam?
Irfam: a Mistake.
-
Raphael: Are you having another depressive episode?
Irfam: A depressive episode?
Irfam: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.
-
Irfam: If I die, you can have what little I own.
Kostas: Wait. What do you mean "if" you die?
Irfam: My unending existence is fuelled by pure spite, that of which the painful experiences of life have rendered me full.
Kostas:
Kostas: *Sighs* Let me call your therapist again.