Wolf Play : Writing help?
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 Eternity
10:51:10 ET
I left my classwork on one of the uni PCs and I've been trying to get to it all day but someone is ALWAYS on the one PC I need 😭😭😭
 Eternity
10:50:17 ET
BJake
Common interests! Ask if she's got any pets or if there's any she wants to own - that's nearly always a good point of common ground.
 Rook
10:49:41 Scary Spice
You gotta type like you're an 18th century peasant boy writing home about the plague, I promise it'll be gold
 Feiella
10:48:51 Fei the demon
Rook
pretty much lol
 Rook
10:48:15 Scary Spice
Feiella over here using a crank-operated typewriter lmao
 Feiella
10:47:53 Fei the demon
Nightfall
let it go
 BJake
10:46:30 Don't call me BJ.
@Arians
It'll be like asking 21 questions the game ;-;
 Arians
10:46:22 
but if you have asked all those questions then well try asking about if she wants to travel one day, what her plans for the future are, her favourite movie, book ect, hope this helps!
 Feiella
10:46:20 Fei the demon
hey everyone. Don't expect me to answer quickly on my old computer
 BJake
10:45:49 Don't call me BJ.
@Rook
No worries :>
 BJake
10:45:36 Don't call me BJ.
@Rook
Don't call me BJ.
LMAO
I think I said that to her the first time we met
 Arians
10:44:57 
@BJake ask her questions about herself! :) that you haven't already asked
 Rook
10:44:57 Scary Spice
I am so sorry I just read your nickname
 Rook
10:44:44 Scary Spice
BJ+
Pull a "So, ya like jazz?"
 BJake
10:44:13 Don't call me BJ.
I asked a girl out on a date to a cafe, I have no fucking idea what we are supposed to talk about ;.;
I go on saturday
 Blade of Dreams
10:43:14 Winter, anything
Hello!
 Feiella
10:42:31 Fei the demon
The minute the wolf is up for public sale it is free game
 Rook
10:40:37 Scary Spice
I've unlocked a new superpower, only took me 22.7 years to figure it out.
I can do a FLAWLESS Dora the Explorer impression, I've been using it on my coworkers and their hate fuels my prosperity *u*
 Nightfall Everglades
10:38:59 Nyx, Wolfy
yea. i know. it is what it is just irritating
 Lt. Shrimp
10:38:25 AntiWpVegan
That's just how it goes.

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Writing help?August 24, 2021 01:16 PM

Former Pack
Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2607277
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I need suggestion for editing this second draft, of a bio I'm making for someone. God I need some fresh eyes
by vix (please don't copy or anything. Not that anyone would)

This wolf, well, is legit gorgeous. Even by wolf standards. Her clear brown coat, silky and smooth, reflected the beauty of a cool autumn day. So predictably, she was constantly hounded by the males of her pack. But none of them she dea a worthy mate for a wolf of such pretty features.


So eventually. She decided to take finding a mate into her own paws.


So she left her pack to conquer the great unknown, and possibly find a mate she would find close to as handsome as she.


But belive me, living in the forest is no easy task. Especially for pack animals.




She just barely got by on a measly amount of voles. life wasn’t wasn’t necessarily good, and when you get to the heart of it how clear the coat is doesn’t really help you catch prey.


She was left with resorting to chewing on the bones of the few meals she got. Every day she fell asleep, a deep pit in her stomach.


……


And the days weren’t only hungry, but lonely. Day by day, her mating calls were never heard. She was getting desperate, and beginning to miss her packs company.


But one day, she finally hears what she was hoping for.



A mating call, and a male one nonetheless


Finally another wolf! To feed her, to be her company!


She rushed across the forest to the source of the howl.


But, when she finally did arrive, the wolf standing in front of her wasn’t necessarily what she hoped.


His coat was spotty, unclear and murky.


See, he wasn’t necessarily what she deemed attractive.


But pretty or not, she was low on food.

And if she could stay with him long enough to get back on her feet….


Yes, she really was that shallow.


So she reluctantly accepted him as her mate.


She decided even if he was an eyesore, she could keep him until she found a better option.


But it didn’t necessarily turn out that way.


As they went on more and more hunts together, spending more time with each other, his looks became less and less deterring. Over time, instead of seeing him as ugly, and speckled, she began to see him as cute and sweet.


And soon she realized just how shallow she was being. And now with her mate, she is finally happy. Because through seeing someone as something more than her looks, she began to see herself through that light also.



And now, with a litter approaching them, she no longer cares if they are clear or speckled, she will love them nonetheless…(:


Edited at August 24, 2021 01:18 PM by Vix
Writing help?August 24, 2021 04:03 PM

Former Pack
Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2607343
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That's great!
I don't see a whole lot wromg with grammar or sentence structure but I do see a spelling mistake. I'm not entirely sure what 'dea' is in 'but none of them she dea a worthy mate'. I'm pretty sure you meant to say 'deemed' and you forgot what you were spelling, but that's an issue to be fixed.
Also, where it says 'ugly, and speckled' if I'm correct there shouldn't be a comma there. Other than that it looks good.
Writing help?August 24, 2021 04:19 PM

Vitriol
Darkseeker
 
Posts: 401
#2607347
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Hi there! Feel free to take these edits as only a suggestion, as they are my personal preference, and you're free to do whatever you wish :)
-
"So she left her pack to conquer the great unknown, and possibly find a mate she would find close to as handsome as she. "
I find this phrasing a bit awkward, and I would reword the last segment to say "as handsome as herself"
-
"But belive me, living in the forest is no easy task."
Believe is spelled incorrectly.
-
"life wasn’t wasn’t necessarily good, and when you get to the heart of it how clear the coat is doesn’t really help you catch prey."
Life isn't capitalized, and wasn't is repeated twice. Also a bit confusing near the end.
"Life wasn't necessarily good, and when you get to the heart of the problem, it wasn't something beauty could fix"
-
"And the days weren’t only hungry, but lonely. Day by day, her mating calls were never heard. She was getting desperate, and beginning to miss her packs company."
I would rephrase that first sentence, "And her days weren't plagued with hunger alone, but with lonliness as well." Also in the last sentence, pack's should have an apostrophe.
-
"Finally another wolf!"
There should be a comma after Finally.
-
"Over time, instead of seeing him as ugly, and speckled, she"
There shouldn't be a comma after ugly.
-
"Because through seeing someone as something more than her looks, she began to see herself through that light also."
The phrasing is a bit confusing, I would reword it to something along the lines of "Through seeing someone as more than their appearance, she learned to love herself the same way."
-
But aside from my edits, I do like what you have written! It adds lovely personality to the characters, and teaches a lesson by the end. Your wording is beautiful, and I wish you luck!

Edited at August 24, 2021 04:28 PM by Nix

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