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Neutral
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AHHH This sentence is kinda confusing: Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in situations that I could have been in, had I not been so fortunate. What do you mean by you were fortunate? When? It was never explained in your essay. I SUGGEST(It's your essay, so you can decide whatever you'd like :D)you fix it |
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Neutral
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Hmm, my problem is I wanna explain but not make it a sob story. Lemme try something real quick |
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Neutral
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Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in less fortunate situations, similar to ones I have been in. Situations that if I had not been lucky enough to be taken in by my adoptive mother, I could have easily fallen victim to. Does that sound better or shorten? |
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Neutral
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AHHH This sentence is kinda confusing: Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in situations that I could have been in, had I not been so fortunate. What do you mean by you were fortunate? When? It was never explained in your essay. I SUGGEST(It's your essay, so you can decide whatever you'd like :D)you fix it |
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Neutral
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Neutral
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It sounds AMAZING Just try to shorten it as much as you can :) |
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Lightbringer
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Something that could help is if you have a short anecdote where you put into practice what you are saying in this essay. It'll bring the point home stronger. |
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Summer 
Day Weather: 
Heavy Rain
