Chatbox
 Wanderlust
09:50:38 Wander - Wand
Zera@
I haven't heard that name in a long time! I remember Frozen Mist and one of their friends always being in the 3rd scene. I wish I could remember their name D: But stalking them was always such a treat.
 Nevermore.
09:50:31 Never/Nev
Vah

When I was traveling my roommate couldn't get my lab inside to eat. Poor dude really doesn't like her.
 Zeraphia
09:50:23 Vah is less okay
I could make a suggestion for it, maybe?
 Zeraphia
09:49:41 Vah is less okay
Dogg

No worries at all!

Wander

OH the scenes--I loved jumping and stalking the scenes back when they were full of the best. When Mrs. Vader jumped in there? Oh it was going to be a masterpiece.
 Zeraphia
09:49:03 Vah is less okay
Never

XDD that is exactly what these two are like with my sister. Glued to her side. Until it's bedtime and then the fat lard and Eddie are on my bed. .>.
 Wanderlust
09:49:01 Wander - Wand
Zera@
Oh my gosh, the RPs when the scenes were still relevant were so good. I loved how inclusive that was.
 DoggPuk3
09:48:27 Dogg/Pukester
Zera
Okay cool! I just wanted to make sure :3
 Zeraphia
09:48:27 Vah is less okay
Wander

That's true. It could help the rp section. I miss the good old days. My stars.
 Nevermore.
09:48:12 Never/Nev
Vah

I probably will only see my roommates rat every once in a while. My two have problems when Ieave since both are glued to my side.
 Wanderlust
09:48:02 Wander - Wand
Zera@
Maybe it would help
forums be active again. e.o

I miss the active RP forum era
 Zeraphia
09:47:22 Vah is less okay
Wander

Oh man, it'd have to be per month otherwise I'd be the only one winning first.
 Magnus Bane
09:47:16 Mag/Maggy
Wish I could call out of work tomorrow e.r
 Zeraphia
09:46:53 Vah is less okay
Dogg

I don't have a preference! Vah is an old nickname that just hasn't ever left me alone XD

I don't really have a preference!
 Wanderlust
09:46:33 Wander - Wand
Zera@
They should make a "most forum posts" award for every month xD
 DoggPuk3
09:46:13 Dogg/Pukester
Zera
Thank you for the wishbone! ^^
Also I been meaning to ask you as ive realized I habitually call you Zera but would you prefer Vah?
 Zeraphia
09:45:48 Vah is less okay
Wander

I know right?

So far, though, I have yet to find anyone who comes remotely close to mine.
 Zeraphia
09:45:27 Vah is less okay
Never

Oh man, that's always fun. It was just me and the dogs here too for a little while.

These two idiots can't handle when my sister leaves.
 Wanderlust
09:45:13 Wander - Wand
Zera@
It's impressive seeing how high some are considering how long I've personally been on the site xD
 Nevermore.
09:44:58 Never/Nev
Vah

It'll just be me and the dogs for a while so I need to find a better thing to fill my time with rather than sitting in front of a heater listening to music, so your help is more than welcome lmao
 Zeraphia
09:44:28 Vah is less okay
Wander

XDD honestly that's the average. I am ... an outlier. By a lot.

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Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
   1 

Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 26, 2024 10:45 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2990982
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Characters: Tyr, Tala, Lyra

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked in irritation. "It's been aa entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala sighed in exasperation. "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, sprang to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack: The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only the three of them, plus two pups, Lesia and Alita.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack..." She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilage, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired." Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happned: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and he has nothing to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happned to one of my previous pack's leader. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly, and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.

Based on a true story. I sent Tyr to do the Border Patrol Game and he totally got bested by a rabbit. (It's ok, Tyr, I still love you❤️)


Edited at February 29, 2024 06:55 PM by Mazie
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:00 PM


Broken Dawn

Neutral
 
Posts: 2251
#2991772
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Nice story!
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:26 PM


TimesGhost

Neutral
 
Posts: 62
#2991805
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Alrighty! So! Here's the critique you asked for. I also went over your story and made a few edits and suggestions which will be below.

Starting with critiques, I firstly have to compliment your writing as a whole. You actually have a really solid style and great understanding of making a story flow smoothly. Most of my critiques and edits are just small things to keep in mind and to add that extra bit of smoothness (mostly from experience and learning what reads a touch better). You do a great job staying away from passive voice and making each sentence expressive. You used one adverb, which is impressive. Generally, reword sentences over using adverbs in the writing world, but personally, I think they're fine.

Overall, I don't really have much to critique or change. Most I can suggest outside the edits below is to now start leaning into setting. There isn't much, and you can really make a story pop by helping visualize the area.

~

Here are my edits:

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked irritatedly in irritation. "It's been an entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala rolled her eyes (Consider her squinting or turning away in exasperation. She just rolled her eyes a few sentences before). "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, jumped (“sprang” is a vibrant word to consider instead of jumped)to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack, named Mazie : The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only them three the three of them, plus two pups: Lesia and Alita, who had also joined quite recently.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack - wait, actually," she mused, "before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

“Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack…" She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually, before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilege, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired," Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happened: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and there he has nothing for him to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happened to one of my previous pack's leaders. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.


Edited at February 27, 2024 10:33 PM by TimesGhost
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 28, 2024 04:57 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2992354
Give Award
Wow, this is amazing! I can tell you know a ton about creative writing. I can't express to you how helpful this is! I will definitely include your edits into my short story. Thank you so much!

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