Wolf Play : I really dont like anything right now

i've had a pounding headache for 3 days now and I've tried everything to fix it.. water, food, more sleep, relaxation methods, anxiety-reducing bullshit, fucking everything.

it is still here.

my anxiety is off the walls. My mother called me a few minutes ago at school to scream at me for not telling me about a mandatory meeting I knew nothing about, so therefore could not tell me, and it only spewed my anxiety more. My headache is even worse now.

As punishment for my "crime", she guilt-tripped me on how now my father can't go out with his friends to go socialize and now has to go to this meeting. I was moments away from starting to fucking cry from damn guilt when the secretary of my school came and told her that it's fine, anything needing signing they would send home with me.

Still, she said I can't go to my wrestling practice today, which is probably for the best, with my headache, but I still could probably sit out. We have a match on Monday and I'm terrified. I need to practice. I need to learn more moves and I need to help my friends and I just want to be ok and not stressed and terrified of always being attacked and screamed at because somehow my 4-year-old sister is somehow soooo much better than me.

I really just want to sit down and cry.

I can't, though. Everybody hates me here already because I live in North Carolina, which is really anti-LGBTQ+, and guess what? I'm a gay, trans male. I made it public, too. Worst decision ever.

I'm bullied for being a furry when the only thing I do is draw animals because it's the only thing I can do right.

I'm worried about what I'm going to do next, to be honest. I don't know what to do. If I cry at home, I'm called a baby and need to grow up. If I cry here at school, I might as well build my own coffin and dig my own hole.

My own boyfriend ridicules and taunts the fact I want to be a guy and I want to forget everything about being a female. I want to take a break from him and just focus on myself, but after I took 10 minutes to explain everything, wanna know what he said?
HE FUCKING SAID, "I'M SORRY, WERE YOU SAYING ANYTHING?"

So yeah, I burst into tears and fucking left.

My birth mother, who I haven't seen in over 2 years, just got chucked into jail again. I miss her so bad, but she just chooses everything other than me. Sure we may be over 400 miles away, but she threw my baby sister a whole entire birthday party 5 months ago, and I didn't even get a call. Not a present, not even a phone call. That made me cry, too.

My life is going all the way downhill. I get grounded and screamed at and worse for any grade below a 90. I just got grounded for 2 months cuz my math grade is 82. I'm freaking out because I just checked my grades and my math grade went up to a 88, yay, but my ELA grade is an 85. I'm in a constant state of anxiety trying to lift the grade up and at the same time just waiting for my mother to call me into her room and berate me like I'm 9 again.

I'm 16, not 9. It's not fair. It's never fair in my favor.

I don't know what to do.

My headaches are worse, too, now.

All these guys hit on me and treat me like I'm special, but it just makes me feel worse. I'm not even attractive. I have a nagging feeling of paranoia they're just doing it for a big joke. They're laughing at how easy I am to flirt with and try to make a move on. I just know it, they're all making fun of me.

I'm 5'1, and 170 pounds. I tell everyone I'm 150, and they smirk and chuckle at THAT. Wait until my first wrestling match when they yell out my weight and I have to stand up and fight like that and get beat again.

I really try to lose it, though.

I run until I throw up after school, I don't touch food until I'm struggling not to faint. Coach makes us run until we collapse, and I happily oblige.

I'm so sorry I'm going on, I'm just so stressed.

I can't wait until I'm 18 and I can flee.

I have this dream, this dream that keeps recurring, of me and my best friend at the moment, back in Jersey, where I used to live, on the shore, on the piers, doing all the rides and eating all this food.

AND I'M FREE.

NO PARENTS, NO GRADES, NO SCHOOL...

Just.. peace.

I can't wait to make that dream come true.

Love ya'll

-J

I really dont like anything right now

November 22, 2021 08:59 PM

Evermore

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I'm about to go run off and do more errands :')

But I'll be back to write a more in depth post tomorrow

A quick suggestion would be blue light glasses if you're on the screen

Those have helped my headaches a lot because staring at a screen for long periods of time doesn't hurt my head/eyes anymore

Like I said I'll make sure to write something with more words tomorrow, hopefully at least one thing I say can help

I'm sorry you're going through all of this :( <3

I really dont like anything right now

November 23, 2021 11:29 AM

Evermore

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Okay, so starting with food

I've gone through periods where I dont want to eat either, and sometimes I wont eat for 20+ hours. Liking your body is something I struggle with too. However, it is so important not to starve yourself. You cant focus or think or do your best if you are hungry. So unless you really arent hungry, eat. Please.

I think that if you start listening to yourself and eating when youre hungry, and drinking lots of water, focusing and thinking clearly will become a lot easier.

Wrestling:

I was on a swim team for about a year, and it just kept getting more and more competitive, and more and more hours needed in the pool. I was also doing school full time, and it was just way to much. I dropped of the team, and it was honestly the best thing I did. I still love to swim, and still swim for fun, but being on the team was overwhelming. If I were you, I would do my best at the next match, and politely explain to your coach that you need to focus on your studies. I'm not super familiar with wrestling, but maybe you could still wrestle for fun? Or go to the gym a couple times a week to stay fit but not have the pressure of a full time commitment?
.

Boyfriend

I would drop him. He's not supporting you, and hes not listening to what youre saying. You deserve to be with somebody who loves and supports you no matter how you identify.

Grades/Guardians

I personally dont agree with what your guardian is doing, and Im sorry this is happening. I can only suggest to do your absolute best in school. Like you said, two more years, and then you're free. You got this, I believe in you <3

Edited at November 23, 2021 11:30 AM by Evermore

I really dont like anything right now

November 26, 2021 05:41 PM

Unproblematic Please

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thanks, ever. it make me smile a bit you noticed, of all people ^^

I am going to drop the guy, and i just shot him a text right now. it'll be a bit before break ends, but at least i wont have to deal with him right now.

i dont think im going to drop wrestling YET, since practice ends at 5:30 instead of 3, like normal school ends, and more time away from this hellhole i live in is bliss, so when i turn 18 i'll probably drop and get a job, do that instead.

im still struggling with the food. i'm eating, just not well, and even then its light stuff like lettuce at 11 am, then half a tomato at 9 pm, and then so on and so forth, but its better than what i WAS pulling.

more water too. if i dont eat, i gotta drink lots of water ^^

thanks, ever. i'm going to keep making progress, i hope. its just a hole i have to haul myself out of.

I've also got a bad habit of taking 2 tylenol or 3 ibuprofen before bed or after i wake up. im gonna break that, but it stops the headaches, so..?

anyways, thats it. thanks, ever ^^

I really dont like anything right now

December 2, 2021 11:49 AM

Evermore

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Im glad you smiled <3

If wrestling is a nice break from home, then yes, by all means keep going. Its both healthy for you physically and mentally, and thats awesome

Im glad you're taking steps forwards for eating, its better than staying put. It will improve with time, dont give up!

And that is great that youre drinking lots of water!

I hope things will get better for you <3

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