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At least it's still there when you come back lol, I had an old account on here I lose to inactivity only a few months ago. Which was weird because I hadn't logged in in..something like 4-5 years at that point.
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 The Reaper
05:33:13 Reaper / Grim
Me to literally anyone I trust XD
 BuggyOs
05:32:51 Lurantis
I mean I do the same to my boyfriend, it just shocked me cause I rarely hear him cuss lmao
 Vilkas
05:31:55 Vilk
Lmao that is literally me to my husband
 Urux
05:31:54 Urox, Uris
Chat
At least it's still there when you come back lol, I had an old account on here I lose to inactivity only a few months ago. Which was weird because I hadn't logged in in..something like 4-5 years at that point.
 BuggyOs
05:31:32 Lurantis
I heard my step dad cussing in the kitchen (I don't hear this often) apparently my mom put her cold ass hands on him
 The Reaper
05:31:14 Reaper / Grim
Chat*
 The Reaper
05:30:43 Reaper / Grim
Cat
That's amazing! Great job!
 Chat
05:30:33 
Thanks guys,
Urux
Yeah it's a old joke I keep losing the chat account due to inactivity xD
 Urux
05:29:45 Urox, Uris
Chat's name threw me off, I was like why is everyone @ the entire chat
 Zeraphia
05:28:58 Space Pirate Captain
Chat

Ooh that looks solid!
 BuggyOs
05:28:24 Lurantis
Chat
:0
That's awesome. and on a phone?? even cooler
 Chat
05:27:41 
Opinions?
Drew on my phone so lines are shakey

-Click-
 BuggyOs
05:27:19 Lurantis
Drlives
-WP Click-

this may help a bit!
 TheFlyingKitten
05:27:17 Petri Dish/Sorceress
Why is it that whenever I have a sudden urge to do something productive, it makes me want to work until an authoritative figure tells me to do that very thing? Is it unintentional reverse psychology?
 Drlives
05:25:24 
Hey y’all! Sorry if you could check out my bio that would be amazing!! I’m a new player and could really use some pack space if you would like to buy any or give me some tips!! I would love any help I can get :))
 Luna❄
05:24:49 Silver (She/her)
-WP Click-
put your unwanted pups here
 Kháos
05:22:47 
I have to go for a bit. I'm getting attacked by puppies. ;-;
 Kháos
05:19:58 
Buggy-
That sounds awful. Must've been one of the worst days ever.
 BuggyOs
05:14:50 Lurantis
Old tag
I have no idea what causes my hip pain. If I knew how to fix it I would but the stretches my mom showed me don't do anything
 Crypto Currency
05:13:55 Tag (he/they)
old bug, i feel hip replacement coming




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Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
   1 

Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 26, 2024 10:45 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2990982
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Characters: Tyr, Tala, Lyra

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked in irritation. "It's been aa entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala sighed in exasperation. "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, sprang to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack: The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only the three of them, plus two pups, Lesia and Alita.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack..." She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilage, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired." Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happned: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and he has nothing to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happned to one of my previous pack's leader. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly, and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.

Based on a true story. I sent Tyr to do the Border Patrol Game and he totally got bested by a rabbit. (It's ok, Tyr, I still love you❤️)


Edited at February 29, 2024 06:55 PM by Mazie
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:00 PM


Broken Dawn

Neutral
 
Posts: 2251
#2991772
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Nice story!
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:26 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2991805
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Alrighty! So! Here's the critique you asked for. I also went over your story and made a few edits and suggestions which will be below.

Starting with critiques, I firstly have to compliment your writing as a whole. You actually have a really solid style and great understanding of making a story flow smoothly. Most of my critiques and edits are just small things to keep in mind and to add that extra bit of smoothness (mostly from experience and learning what reads a touch better). You do a great job staying away from passive voice and making each sentence expressive. You used one adverb, which is impressive. Generally, reword sentences over using adverbs in the writing world, but personally, I think they're fine.

Overall, I don't really have much to critique or change. Most I can suggest outside the edits below is to now start leaning into setting. There isn't much, and you can really make a story pop by helping visualize the area.

~

Here are my edits:

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked irritatedly in irritation. "It's been an entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala rolled her eyes (Consider her squinting or turning away in exasperation. She just rolled her eyes a few sentences before). "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, jumped (“sprang” is a vibrant word to consider instead of jumped)to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack, named Mazie : The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only them three the three of them, plus two pups: Lesia and Alita, who had also joined quite recently.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack - wait, actually," she mused, "before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

“Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack…" She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually, before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilege, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired," Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happened: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and there he has nothing for him to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happened to one of my previous pack's leaders. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.


Edited at February 27, 2024 10:33 PM by TimesGhost
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 28, 2024 04:57 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2992354
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Wow, this is amazing! I can tell you know a ton about creative writing. I can't express to you how helpful this is! I will definitely include your edits into my short story. Thank you so much!

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