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 Zeraphia
02:36:12 Space Pirate Captain
Well that took longer than I expected. Lol

Went to get groceries. Partway through, I hear a noise. It almost sounds like wind noise but it follows my acceleration.

Pop out once I get to the store, my front wheel guard has come loose.

Get home and whatnot... and rummage around the garage to find stuff to fix it with.

I fixed it. But it sure took longer than I expected lol
 Your Princess
02:35:58 Princess, Reese
I**
 SammytheRaccoon
02:35:54 Sam/Samuel/Racc
I got my ass whooped by bigfoot
 Your Princess
02:35:54 Princess, Reese
Heyy u finally finished a packs pfp
 SpiritGuardian
02:31:59 Mr Palette Guy
ET,
shit I totally poofed
yeah if you can pm me the code haha
 Kháos
02:31:41 🌪️
Sometimes. I look for the cheapest crafting supplies, compare price with the finished product and sometimes end up just exploring until I find what I need.
 Eternitys Gaze
02:29:41 tern / gaze
still, with craftable things, people will want the parts, and they often sell for more than the finished item-
 Kháos
02:29:25 🌪️
Don't forget about the demand of things. ^^
 Eternitys Gaze
02:28:57 tern / gaze
khaos
yeah good point
 Kháos
02:28:26 🌪️
Gaze-
The lowest mush price may be 50 mush, but who will buy that?
 Eternitys Gaze
02:27:05 tern / gaze
honestly why would i sell things to montak- he's offering 9 mushrooms for something that says the lowest mush price is 50-
 STS
02:23:01 TS, Speckles
Its all the way at the bottom
 STS
02:22:35 TS, Speckles
Eve. Explore isnt showing on spilt screen, its just a blank screen
 SixBears
02:21:52 evebot
I just updated explore, so you might need to refresh your screen.
 SunGaze
02:17:58 Sun, Sunny (he/him)
Yay!! It's snowing for the first time this season!
 Legacy
02:07:52 Middy
what happened to explore, its not loading for me
 Highgodess
02:06:55 
hey I got a question
 Polargeist
02:02:27 Chro (he/him)
YO you found it ET
 Kháos
02:01:12 🌪️
I just logged on to see squishy explore in chat. xD I shall go explore now. :3
 distant-lands
01:59:09 katy | beetle
i need to make more art of my OC's :>

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 Zeraphia
02:36:12 Space Pirate Captain
Well that took longer than I expected. Lol

Went to get groceries. Partway through, I hear a noise. It almost sounds like wind noise but it follows my acceleration.

Pop out once I get to the store, my front wheel guard has come loose.

Get home and whatnot... and rummage around the garage to find stuff to fix it with.

I fixed it. But it sure took longer than I expected lol
 Your Princess
02:35:58 Princess, Reese
I**
 SammytheRaccoon
02:35:54 Sam/Samuel/Racc
I got my ass whooped by bigfoot
 Your Princess
02:35:54 Princess, Reese
Heyy u finally finished a packs pfp
 SpiritGuardian
02:31:59 Mr Palette Guy
ET,
shit I totally poofed
yeah if you can pm me the code haha
 Kháos
02:31:41 🌪️
Sometimes. I look for the cheapest crafting supplies, compare price with the finished product and sometimes end up just exploring until I find what I need.
 Eternitys Gaze
02:29:41 tern / gaze
still, with craftable things, people will want the parts, and they often sell for more than the finished item-
 Kháos
02:29:25 🌪️
Don't forget about the demand of things. ^^
 Eternitys Gaze
02:28:57 tern / gaze
khaos
yeah good point
 Kháos
02:28:26 🌪️
Gaze-
The lowest mush price may be 50 mush, but who will buy that?
 Eternitys Gaze
02:27:05 tern / gaze
honestly why would i sell things to montak- he's offering 9 mushrooms for something that says the lowest mush price is 50-
 STS
02:23:01 TS, Speckles
Its all the way at the bottom
 STS
02:22:35 TS, Speckles
Eve. Explore isnt showing on spilt screen, its just a blank screen
 SixBears
02:21:52 evebot
I just updated explore, so you might need to refresh your screen.
 SunGaze
02:17:58 Sun, Sunny (he/him)
Yay!! It's snowing for the first time this season!
 Legacy
02:07:52 Middy
what happened to explore, its not loading for me
 Highgodess
02:06:55 
hey I got a question
 Polargeist
02:02:27 Chro (he/him)
YO you found it ET
 Kháos
02:01:12 🌪️
I just logged on to see squishy explore in chat. xD I shall go explore now. :3
 distant-lands
01:59:09 katy | beetle
i need to make more art of my OC's :>




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Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
   1 

Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 26, 2024 10:45 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2990982
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Characters: Tyr, Tala, Lyra

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked in irritation. "It's been aa entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala sighed in exasperation. "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, sprang to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack: The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only the three of them, plus two pups, Lesia and Alita.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack..." She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilage, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired." Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happned: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and he has nothing to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happned to one of my previous pack's leader. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly, and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.

Based on a true story. I sent Tyr to do the Border Patrol Game and he totally got bested by a rabbit. (It's ok, Tyr, I still love you❤️)


Edited at February 29, 2024 06:55 PM by Mazie
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:00 PM


Broken Dawn

Neutral
 
Posts: 2251
#2991772
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Nice story!
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:26 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2991805
Give Award
Alrighty! So! Here's the critique you asked for. I also went over your story and made a few edits and suggestions which will be below.

Starting with critiques, I firstly have to compliment your writing as a whole. You actually have a really solid style and great understanding of making a story flow smoothly. Most of my critiques and edits are just small things to keep in mind and to add that extra bit of smoothness (mostly from experience and learning what reads a touch better). You do a great job staying away from passive voice and making each sentence expressive. You used one adverb, which is impressive. Generally, reword sentences over using adverbs in the writing world, but personally, I think they're fine.

Overall, I don't really have much to critique or change. Most I can suggest outside the edits below is to now start leaning into setting. There isn't much, and you can really make a story pop by helping visualize the area.

~

Here are my edits:

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked irritatedly in irritation. "It's been an entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala rolled her eyes (Consider her squinting or turning away in exasperation. She just rolled her eyes a few sentences before). "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, jumped (“sprang” is a vibrant word to consider instead of jumped)to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack, named Mazie : The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only them three the three of them, plus two pups: Lesia and Alita, who had also joined quite recently.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack - wait, actually," she mused, "before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

“Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack…" She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually, before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilege, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired," Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happened: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and there he has nothing for him to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happened to one of my previous pack's leaders. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.


Edited at February 27, 2024 10:33 PM by TimesGhost
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 28, 2024 04:57 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2992354
Give Award
Wow, this is amazing! I can tell you know a ton about creative writing. I can't express to you how helpful this is! I will definitely include your edits into my short story. Thank you so much!

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