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Okay. Haven't been fully active for a while, but this has been on my mind since November (When this happened), and I need a little rant time, and an outside Point of View. Feel free to give advice to me, I need it. (Trigger warning for sensitive beans: slight transphobia, cursing, infantalizim?) . So, basically. I have been gender questioning for a while now. When I was 15/16, I thought myself genderfluid and bisexual. 17, ftm transgender and pansexual. Now, I finally identify as Demoboy (Non-binary/transmale basically), demiromantic, and pansexual. This is fine. What isn't so fine however, is my mother's... reluctance? To accept this. She's talked multiple times about her queer friends from college or highschool, so she seems supportive, but it seems to.. dwindle a bit whenever I try and talk to her about it. When I talk about my gender, she seems adamant I wait until I'm 25/26 until I 'do anything' about this. I don't even know if I want to transition, all I want is short hair (Thankfully I have that now), a binder, and for people to use the pronouns and names that make me feel more comfortable. However, any time I talk to her, it's like she immediately assumes I'm asking her for testosterone shots, or top surgery? I never feel brave enough to say what I really mean, because she always looks so hurt. In November, she said that she felt bad I wanted a new name, because she'd had my dead name picked out since she was a little girl and felt it fit me. Ouch. She also said that They/Them pronouns feel unpersonal to her, like using them would imply that she didn't know who I was. Understandable, it took me awhile to get used to the fact They/Them pronouns existed at first too, but... still really hurt. . Then, the thing I REALLY wanted to rant about. She brings up my cousin, who was assigned female at birth, is about 12, 13 years old, and has been experimenting with male names on social media. When my mom talks about them, she says "Well, he is still pretty young, and trans kids always show signs when they're young." Basically, she said I was too fucking old to know I'm trans, or know what I want my gender to be, but my preteen cousin was fine experimenting however he wanted. This, after her talking about how much she disbelieved in They/Them pronouns, and telling me I just wasn't born in the body I wanted (Trust me, I know. Every damn day.), and I had to deal with it, brought me to the point that I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so fucking much. I didn't, because I hate crying in front of people, but the fact still stands that it really hurt me. . I have yet to talk to her about my gender again, and I'm scared to. I wouldn't know what to say, or how to explain how much she hurt me, and my throat tends to stick when I need to be honest about how I feel.. If you read this far, and have any ideas or wortds of reassurance, they'd be greatly appreciated. The only ones I will not accept are ones bashing my mother. Yes, she hurt me, but she's trying. Sort of. Just focused on my schoolwork and me graduating instead of how this is affecting me day-to-day. If anyone has anything, please. I'm really lost here, and don't know how to deal with this situation.. |
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Darkseeker
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I can't really offer much advice on this, but know that I support you. I sort of understand what you're going through. I'm bisexual, and my parents don't know yet, but I'm going to have to tell them eventually. It's going to be a difficult conversation, because my mom has said to my face that she will not tolerate sexual deviancy in her house(we were arguing about a show that I wanted to watch), but she's a good person, and I have hope that she will be understanding. Your mother will come around eventually, just give it time! Until then, hang in there. You have my suport, and my friendship, if you need it! |
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Thank you! <333 I hope it all ends well for you too with your family. It sucks when there's such a big disagreement like this, and feels like you have to choose..
Eternal Calamity said:
I can't really offer much advice on this, but know that I support you. I sort of understand what you're going through. I'm bisexual, and my parents don't know yet, but I'm going to have to tell them eventually. It's going to be a difficult conversation, because my mom has said to my face that she will not tolerate sexual deviancy in her house(we were arguing about a show that I wanted to watch), but she's a good person, and I have hope that she will be understanding. Your mother will come around eventually, just give it time! Until then, hang in there. You have my suport, and my friendship, if you need it!
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Forum Moderator
Darkseeker
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It sounds like your mother has some outdated views for sure ;; Maybe if you can, try explaining explicitly that those pronouns make *you* more comfortable and happier, even if she doesn't understand it. If you can, tell her that using those pronouns is more personal to you, and if anything, by using them it shows that she, in fact, does know you as those are the pronouns that make you happiest. Keep your head up my dude, it sounds like she might come around at some point, just is a little behind on the more 'recent' queer stuff. I think it would definitely help if you can mention that you're not looking to have surgery or testerone right now- Some parents get concerned about this kinda thing, so by explaining this it'll likely ease some of the tension. If speaking to her about it straight on is too hard, you could try writing it down? :0 That way you can explain how you feel without her interrupting or cutting you off, and might also give her some time to process and think about things. Good luck whatever you decide to do! :0 |
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I can try this, thank you! I do speak better on paper or across screens, after all. *Sends thankful hugs and hearts*
Eternity said:
It sounds like your mother has some outdated views for sure ;; Maybe if you can, try explaining explicitly that those pronouns make *you* more comfortable and happier, even if she doesn't understand it. If you can, tell her that using those pronouns is more personal to you, and if anything, by using them it shows that she, in fact, does know you as those are the pronouns that make you happiest. Keep your head up my dude, it sounds like she might come around at some point, just is a little behind on the more 'recent' queer stuff. I think it would definitely help if you can mention that you're not looking to have surgery or testerone right now- Some parents get concerned about this kinda thing, so by explaining this it'll likely ease some of the tension. If speaking to her about it straight on is too hard, you could try writing it down? :0 That way you can explain how you feel without her interrupting or cutting you off, and might also give her some time to process and think about things. Good luck whatever you decide to do! :0
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I can empathize with you. My mom found it very hard to wrap her head around my sexuality (lesbian) and we still don't talk about me questioning my gender, but I think I've come to just settle with that? Sadly, as queer people we know that pain of finding out that for some peopel love is conditional, and they have to work through their own problems before they can adress us. Your mom sounds very similar to my mom in that my mom was also a vocal ally of the LGBTQIA+ people in my very small Christian/Catholic town, until it came to me. She was supportive of queer identities until it was my identity too. And I think it's because that's when it actually affected her. And that sucks. It sucks that you are in pain and trying to figure things out and you cant rely on you mom when you thought you could. Luckily, it seems like she is not closed off to the concept entirely, she's just having a hard time seeing past the version of you she already has in her mind and she's not seeing who you really are, or at least who you're trying to be. I can't offer much advice as to physically talking with your mom, but I can reccomend practicing what you feel you need to say and doing some internal searching. It sucks ass majorly but I know that when people don't believe someone or are skeptical they look for any sign of weakness or hesitancy, so it may help you feel more confident and in control next time you talk to your mom if you know what you want to say and what you want the conversation to accomplish. I wish you all the best though and hopefully you at least have a safe space here <3 |
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Weirdly enough, this is my older sister. She has like, quiet a lot of queer friends, and is very supportive of them all, even going to a pride parade. But once our niece (she is bi) starts to talk about gay marriage or our nephew jokingly talking about being gay, she gets all queasy. Tells them to stop that, and to stop talking about such things. Like ??? So yeah, I understand your experience of dealing with queastionable supportive heterosexual xD. And about you coming out to your mother, I strongly advise to first build up your own independence before coming out. I am following a queer creator, and they had experience with homophobic parents. Parents/Guardians who aren't 100% supportive of LGBTQ community are almost unpredictable, and could jump to any chance to throw you out, or not give effort in your graduation. First, become an adult that is at their level, and then come out. I understand it could be painful to hold in your true self, but for your own safety, better be safe than sorry! |
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I don't really know what advice to give you, but if it makes you feel any better, my whole family, besides my aunt and her daughters, are the same way, so you're definitely not alone. Like Eternal Calamity said, these things just take time, and I know that sucks, I feel it too, but sometimes all we can do is keep our heads up and be ourselves to the best of our ability. |
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