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It's too much to think about...July 22, 2023 12:44 PM


Soulsilver

Neutral
 
Posts: 1373
#2911669
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There’s so much going through my head right now, and I feel like I’m going to breakdown completely if I don’t get this out of my head. I have no idea where to begin, so sorry if it seems a little scattered. A lot of things that appear in the first part of this will be very important later on.


School issues -

My family and I {I’m still in school} live overseas for my parent’s jobs. We’ve lived in Europe for the past- actually more than - 3 years. I really matured here, and my most vivid memories are here.

I was a kid back when I lived in the States. As a kid, I had no idea what was going on around me. My only concerns were getting a sticker from the teacher, playing, drawing, and my next sweet treat. I had 0 idea about the struggles of those around me, and the violence happening around me.

When I came to Europe, I was finally away from all of that, but I had no idea. It wasn’t until a year later that I realized how awful things are. But, in Europe, I was safe from all of that. We lived on a secure base, with ID checks and police patrolling. I felt safe there.

Unfortunately, I wans’t placed in the local schools. I went to an American Secondary School that was also on a base. We had two MP’s {Military police} in the school at all times, as well as guards at the front of the gates to check ID’s and such.

The school itself was great. I loved it. The teachers were pretty great too. I never had any serious problems with any of them. It was the students that I absolutely loathed. They were positivley the worse peers I have ever had. Everyday I had to go in, I hated it. I usually love school. But these kids made it unbearable. Usually, I dont get along well with people my age. My usual friends were upperclassmen, kids in the grades above me, because either we were in the same friend group, or we met during one of my classes that I share with upperclassmen.

The thing is, I felt safe outside the school, in our local host nation. I didn’t feel safe inside the school, with the Americans. I, myself, would be consider American, I was born there and raised there for part of my life, but I truely don’t think of it as my home.

At that school, I met a lot of different types of people.

#1 - My first ever toxic friend. I do admit it, our friendship was unstable from the start. The was a time where I went down the rabbit hole, the worst I have ever been in my life, and it lasted for years. They, too, were at that point. We bonded together over that, and really became each other’s life support. I depended solely on this person, and they on me. Or so I thought. After over a year of this, they got one of my other semi-friends (I foolishly pushed away my other friends during this time.) to give me a note, telling me a lot of things. One of them was “It’s not your fault, but I felt happier before I met you.” It’s safe to say that’s where I got a lot of my abandonment issues from. That, and my ex, who will come up later. My entire lifeline was cut in half. I had nobody. I was alone. Luckily, that wasn’t the case at all. Those who wanted the best for me, the ones who never gave up on me, nevermind it was like 1 or 2 people, were there.

I’m better now, no longer in that deep pit. I still have those trust and abandonment issues though. And even though I made up with that person, I don’t talk with them much, I don;t trust them much, and we’re no longer in the same friend group.

#2 - The ‘Popular kids’. Those snotty stuckups that think they’re all high and mighty. You probably had/have a group of those kids at your school. The ones who think that can walk all over you? Yeah, that didn’t work out very well between me and them. I’m someone with a lot of behavioral health issues. I’m quick to snap, have a short temper, bipolar moodswings, sometimes I get violent, sometimes I can’t understand others emotions. I’m standoffish and impulsive, or overly anxious and agitated. I didn’t let them walk all over me, maybe went a little to far, and now I have a bunch of people who want to rip my guts out :D

#3 - The ‘trouble kids’. The ones who bring weapons and illegal substances to school? Those ones. I don’t know, from what I’ve heard it’s more or less normal to have an abundance of these kids at Secondary schools. But, it was so bad that now, we have sniffer dogs working throughout the school day to sniff out those things. Good for us. And yet, despite all of that, it really just got worse.

#4 - My ex girlfriend. Heh. Though we are on good terms now, not really friends and we don’t talk much, but we have no bad blood. But she is one of the resons behind my trust issues.

For those who don’t know from my bio, I’m an Afab, or biofemale. I’m also Pansexual and Polyamorus. She was my first ever relationship, and it lasted 5 months, but it ended because of her.

When I came out to her as Poly, she was like: Okay, cool. Didn’t comment on it. Didn’t say she was too. A few weeks later, she came up to me and asked if I would be fine with her dating someone else while she dated me. I, being Poly, had no issues with this. But remember, she never said she was poly too. Just Lesbian. So I felt like she used me. And not to mention, the reason we broke up in the first place was because the her other partner {Who I have 0 contact with} lied and said I said some things, and she trusted them {Dating for 2 weeks} over me {Dating for 5 months.}


Now, a lot is happening in the States. Most of us, if not all, know this. It’s a mess, in my opinion. I have no desire to go back there and continue school, but I have no choice.

I’m scared. I truely am.

Being Pan and Poly, as well as Atheist, and moving to a very religious state, terrifies me. Not to mention that the school has well over 3000 students. I’ll be living off base. There won’t be people watching out for you every where you go. It’s America, where the avarage gun ratio is 2 to one person. I will be taking self defence classes.


One thing that scares me the most though are my grades. I’m a straight A student. I work really hard to keep it that way. I want to be the best I can be so I can have a good future. But, the American school district overseas is awful. It put me behind academically. And for someone who goes into AP and Daul credit classes, I can’t have that. So now, I’m working my ass off during the summer that we’re already busy with the move, relearning my current grade, learning next years grade, and learning part of the year after that, just so I can keep up.

My only expirience with American kids have been horrible. I know things aren’t always going to be perfect, but I do know that I will probably get made fun of, like I do now. I have to wear noise cancelling headphones because of my noise triggered anxiety and my sensitivity to sound. I get made fun of that all the time now, so I don’t see why that’ll change.

How can I trust people and make friends after all of that? How do I maintain a friendship with my personality issues? My behavior issues?


I’m scared of going there. A new place, new people, possibly danger all around me, that no one else is too worried about.

My mother told me one day that down town, near my KINDERGARDEN school, there was fights and gun violence all the time. That my school had lockdowns all the time. And she said it in such a causal way.

I’m scared.

.

.

.

My issues-

Another thing about me- I like to rant (As you can probably see above).

My parents, even after saying, yeah, We have time for that, don’t listen to any of it. They go off and talk to others, watch tv, scroll on their phones. AND, they constantly give me time limits on how long I can rant. Like, two minutes! You have 30 seconds! It’s irritating to no end!

And the day my mother said that we could go on a walk, just the two of us, and I could talk her ear off all I want, it never happened.

She was working that day, only for a little bit. I know things can come up and she tends to work from home too, and she gets mad when we interrupt and ask for things {ex, my walk with her}, so I let her come up to get me when she was ready. She never came.

I always feel left out. Unheard. Ignored. This always happens to me. The only person I’ve ever been able to talk to freely is my therapist. They’re so great, and I love them. But, I have to move. And leave them. What a wonderful thing.


One last thing. I am in a…sort of? Relationship with someone right now. I don’t know exactly what we are, considering neither of us have referred to the other as my partner, but who knows?

They’re staying here. I’m moving. I’m Poly. I don’t think that they know it.

I want to tell them, but I’m not sure how too. And they should know. I’m not sure if I should wait until I develop feelings for someone State side and then tell them ot if I should just tell them right now…



I just…I have no idea what to do. I have other things that are on my mind, but I feel like you guys have had enough of me ranting, lmao. Didn’t want this to get so long.


Have a great night/day! And if you ever need to talk, my PM’s are always open <3


~Soulsilver

It's too much to think about...July 22, 2023 12:50 PM


Creepy Currency

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 1777
#2911674
Give Award
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this.
Personally, I understand fake/toxic friends, and strive to never be one. (I'm always here for you, Asher <3)
Until my mom died, I was expected to have a job, only study, and get all A+'s for grades, so I understand that.
If you ever just want to rant to me in PMs, they're alway open.
I love you, sibling.
I don't want you to go through this alone, so I'm here.
<3
It's too much to think about...July 22, 2023 12:56 PM


Ezranian

Lightbringer
 
Posts: 3
#2911679
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that's a really shitty situation. is there any way you could either meet with your therapist remotely or ask them to help you find a new one where you're moving to? also, i would like to say that i went to american public schools for like nine years and never died at all. you just kind of get used to ignoring creeping dread and vague terror, which really shouldn't be a thing anyone has to do, but it does get easier. i hope you're doing okay
It's too much to think about...July 22, 2023 01:57 PM


0Written The Wolf

Neutral
 
Posts: 797
#2911695
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This is a lot of stuff going on and as a Europian who has always been here um America and guns at schools scare me too and I unfortunately have no idea if you can do much about protecting yourself from school shootings ;-; there has been a school shooting in Europe, Serbia, about 4 or 5 months ago-chilled us all to the bones. Had some student with a gun threatening his teacher in Bosnia. I am in Croatia so uh, neighbour to both of those :'3 it seems like it is not pandemic and everyone hopes it stays that way. For a record, owning a gun in these countires is not just like that "I go to Wallmart", you need license and follow strict regulations, you need to go get tested, system needs to know why you have a gun-hunter(those can be a nasty bunch, not life threatening to people, but they can kill a pet dog just cause it was in what they consider hunting grounds. Plus they are dunno what, but they serve little to no purpose here cause we really don't have many dangerous animals near settlements. So you see since there is little wild animals to hunt in order for their guns to not get rusty they take opporunity on pets :/ some dogs have reflecting vests or bright colored shirts so even thou dog is brown you clearly see it is not a deer. But this is off topic), a police officer (would rant on this system to, but alas I got not time to dvelve there, nor you actually), shooting for sport (I met a teacher who had a gun for sport-some of rules for him were-mental check every few months, renewing license for gun every year, having valut for gun at home, if he is taking it out he needs to put it in a special case with some locks that cannot be unlocked fast, also gun must never be loaded outsite of shooting facility, and when going to shooting gym he must take shortest route both ways without making stops even at a bakery). Thing with how those kids got those guns is-not that many decades ago there was a war at these areas and Europe was kind of meh about it all when some countiries said they are being attacked and need help-so most weapons were obtained illegally and even thou after war each country made an appel to collect all weapons from civilians (cause those armies were made of men who were not really trained, but soldiers were needed so any male above 18 was viable option no matter their experience or background) well no one can guarantee all weapons were taken away meaning some guns are here and there without license. Scary thing about these shotings was that assilants were 14-15 y/o and did not show signs of remorse once captured and taken to phycs wards cause...well in Serbia there were protest, quite a few, I think 8 kids were killed on spot, some more injured, like this kid had to reload his gun and go on at some point so anyone saying it was a quick emotional spurt um no, he even had a plan on paper at home of most efficeint way to kill all his targets. By the curent law of Serbia that kid was 13 when he killed 8 people and 13 year olds cannot be brought to court and have case against them, even president complimeted his smarts *vomiting* so uh yeah people protested, not sure if much changed. This was not meant to calm you and say "it is normal here too" in no universe is it normal to have kids killing kids, heh it was more of me ranting a bit I suppose.
Trying to keep your grades is something you can do and is good thing that you in general, but also would you ever consider university in Europe or something. I take that at the moment you have no means of living on your own in Europe, but maybe you can build towards it. A schoolarship mayhaps?
Never met kids like those at your school so I can't really advise you on that .-. glad you got 1-2 good friends in your life though and when it comes to trusting people, your therapist probably advised you better than I can, but from my laic perspective it is good to inform yourself on how others can manipulate or use you, there are some tells I suppose, but I think gut feeling might be your best friend in any situation. Well, trusting people in your situation is hard, but what if you do not have to trust them all a lot or completely? That is to say that going into relationship expecting a miracle might be destructive for a relationship that could be good, not the best ever and that person does not have to be your spouse one day or anything, but I don't know if trust is break it or make it for every relationship, especially if other person has trust issues too. Thou this all seems like empty words, trust is important, but people play with it so easily and then people get hurt and closed of for a good reason, but then that keeps hurting them cause they cannot open up to good people. also people don't go around with good or bad plastered on thier forehead so that only makes it more complicated. plus plus people are more often in grey area and as long as they are mostly white with you it works, or so I've gathered from seeing and reading. I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself so take next words with a bucket of salt ^^""" I got not therapist or diagnose, but I find it hard to trust people too I suppose and at times get ideas of what if my friends are actually bad and are lying or pretending or something, when I meet someone new I am nervous cause I don't really know them and I kind of assume the worst...Welp anyhow, what I try to do is not assume as much, if I believe I should keep track of their behaviour pattern I will, but I try not to make up scenarios I got no logical,realistic piece of information for, if their behaviour consistenly makes it so my what-ifs are less and less likely. Labeling someone in your brain as a bad person is not okay towards them and would probably hurt them if they knew, also it hurts whatver you have growing with them, trusting is hard though I believe it can be cultivated and backed up with some real life examples/evidence of their loaylity and care towards you. So maybe trust people to an extent and those trusts should be earned-not saying you have to test them or anything, but if you have harmless idea to test them then maybe X)? Keep it up with your therapist though, professional and all that-maybe your current theapist can recoomend someone who works in States or you can do online therapy (which is not as private cause anything on internet is recorded somewhere on some server, I dunno why, but it most likely is and you have to way to track it or control it so a risk always exists even if small).
I do not know much about romantic stuff or polygamy either :'''3 I am getting better and better with advising you here :'''''''''''''D but from what I heard of poeple saying about polygamy is...not favourable, one of their main gripes is that assumed state is monogamy so for monogamous person to later on discover their partner is poly is viewed as betrayal. I am not saying you should mention that about yourself always and on like first date, but it is expected that you two will be working on growing your relationship into something serious most likely-so I'd say that once you are past point, this is fun and I like it, but it is not serious, it lasts while it lasts, you should inform your partner that dynamics in your relationship will be different than what one would expect in monogamy. From what I heard poly relationships usually have primary pairing and then secondary(your current partner would porbably like to know if they are priority or no, if you gonna raise kids with them or other person, if they need to get along with other person too love them even)? An open marriage is kind of polygamy? Thou these are coming from me, not really informed individual, feel free to educate me with your story though ^^

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