“What? WHAT?! I have been patient with you, Travis. You turn into some werewolf creature? Fine! You don’t want to talk about it? That’s ok! You don’t want to shapeshift anymore? That’s alright too! Oh? You were a part of the Midlock Program? Ha ! Even better!” Victor sounded manic,” I CANNOT keep helping you if you won’t let me! I left my FAMILY for YOU Travis! I have a son! Who I haven’t even met! And its not just me. ANNA had to do that ALONE. And she STILL is!” His voice began to melt into sorrow and pain. However he still seemed equally angry. Travis winced and felt his heart ache. If you had just taken that drink, this wouldn’t have happened.

“Well? Are you going to say anything?” Victor hissed.

“I’m thinking.” Travis murmured.

“THINKING?! This is your problem!” Victor erupted.

You don’t think I know that? Travis inhaled sharply in an attempt to control himself since Victor had very clearly lost it. He began to pace back and forth, unsure of what to say.

Victor however, was done with the secrecy. He was done with everything. “TELL ME!” He shouted,” Travis, say it! SAY-” ,

Travis spun around, hands on his head. “I DON’T KNOW!” He cried, eyes wide,” I don’t! I don’t know what to say! I don’t know what to feel! I don’t know what to think! I NEED to know! And I don’t! Victor I don’t know! There! I said it! Ha! I don’t know who I am anymore! I don’t know if I’m a father, if I’m a soldier, if I’m a good person! I don’t know what to do next. And when I don’t know what to do all I feel like… I feel.. I feel empty and hollow but I feel scared and like I’m a kid all over again and like my dad backed me into that corner and the guns on me but Rex isn’t there to step inbetween us. Except now I feel like I’M the one holding the gun and you’re the one backed into the corner and no one’s there for you and I don’t trust myself because I don’t know who I am anymore and my fingers on the trigger and I don’t know if I can keep myself from pulling it because I don’t know who you are because how am I supposed to know who you are if I don’t even know-”

He inhaled and shook his head, voice breaking too much to continue. Victor was left speechless as he watched his friend break down like never before. This vulnerable side… it wasn’t sorrowful. It was panic. Fear, confusion, and someone who wasn’t Travis. Or maybe it had always been him. A version suppressed for so long when it came up it just exploded. Travis felt tears fall from his eyes, tears he had no control over, so he frantically wiped them away but more replaced them. “But I have to know because everyone is looking up to me. I have to get you home. I have to get everyone out of the Rebellion. I have to find Stacey. I have to protect Daniel. I have to meet Rex. I have to do this, to do that, and I don’t know how to do that anymore! I… Ha… heh,” He tightened the grasp of his hair,” I am TRAVIS WALKER, I’m supposed to be… to be…” But the words were lost. What was he supposed to be? If not a soldier, then who? Who was Travis Walker?

“I can’t trust myself. I don’t know who I am and I can’t trust myself if I don’t know,” His eyes darted to the bottle he could see just through the windows,” I can’t trust myself not to get drunk. If I was drunk, nothing would happen! I could just drift off. I wouldn’t be happy, but I wouldn’t be confused and conflicted! I don’t trust myself to shapeshift, not now! I don’t know what I’d become. Would I be that creature again? Would I ever reemerge as myself? Each time I feel like I lose more and more of who I am and now who is Travis?! I was supposed to HELP my friends, but I’ve never been anything to you but a burden! You took me in all those years ago! You fed me! You paid for my college! Kate covered up the fact I shot and killed my OWN father! She covered up that I was in the Midlock Program! Wilson died saving my son, the son I don’t even know is still alive! Rex lost just as many people as I did but still protected me!” I’ve never been a protector. I’ve only lost and been protected. I’M the problem! I’M the burden!

When his breathing began to become sporadic, Victor stepped forward and steadied him. “Travis, breathe,” he whispered, his eyes becoming soft once again.Travis shut his eyes tightly, trying to control his breathing again. He turned away from Victor and strayed further and further away from the house to cover up his tears and his shaking limbs. He wiped away the salty water that fell from his eyes and gasped in air to fill his aching lungs. The condition was worse than what Victor had thought.

The blonde man sighed and instead of pushing closer, he remained where he was and allowed Travis to pace a little more. Instead of using his hands, he used his words. “You’re Travis Walker,” He made sure not to include his middle name,” My best friend.” One of Travis’s hands moved to his chest and he clutched his shirt, using his other hand to grasp the handrail as he began to hyperventilate. “You’re a brave man. You’re strong and smart. You’re a husband and a father. You’re a friend and a good person,” Victor whispered kindly,” You’re a soldier of peace and a protector of the innocent. You’re a friend and a brother.”

Travis’s shoulders and chest heaved as his eyes were directed up to Victor. “You do know what to say, Travis. Right there, you told me what you felt and what you didn’t feel,” The doctor took a step forward,” Not knowing is ok. I don’t know what to do half the time! I-”

“But I NEED TO KNOW,” Travis’s voice sounded desperate and scared. I’m supposed to have the answers! Me! The man slowly crumbled and leaned against the railing while sitting down, trying not to suffocate. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, breathing heavily and awkwardly. “You don’t need to know everything. No one does. And not a soul knows everything either. Not you, not Coralie, not even Riot. There are things that no one knows, and even more that no one will ever know. And that’s ok,” Victor took another step towards his friend,” When you don’t know something, ask. If you can’t ask, then problem solve. If you can’t problem solve, then its ok not to know. But know who you are. A good person. A good friend, a good husband, and a good father.”

Travis wiped his tears again and huffed, beginning to control his breathing. “You don’t know that.” He croaked. Victor smiled as he came closer, pausing as his friend tensed, hand tight on his shirt. “I do know. You managed to raise a brilliant son by yourself. I couldn’t do that.” The doctor said brightly. Travis set his head against the post and closed his eyes again, feeling the effects of limited oxygen. It made him feel whoozy and light headed. Victor took this opportunity to walk across the deck and sit beside his friend. By now, Bon had gotten up, awoken from all the yelling, but Tobias was actively putting up towels or blankets over the windows to let their moment be private.

“What about shapeshifting? You said you’re scared?” Victor whispered gently. Travis couldn’t look at Victor, but he started to breathe properly again. “Yes. Because I’m not me when I’m that… thing. I’m not in control, and when i come out… I don’t know who I am. Everything feels blank, and I’m… in that corner. I’m trapped. And the gun…” Travis’s voice cracked terribly and another bout of tears threatened to come.

Victor’s eyes widened a little bit but he tried not to seem too surprised. It was obvious to him now, that that particular event had been more traumatic than they thought it had been. The tone of which Travis talked about it, and the look in his eyes. He never got over it. “But you’re not there anymore, Travis. You’re here, in the present, with me. He’s gone, Tra-”

“I’ve been seeing him,” Travis suddenly sounded hollow,” Just like I saw Daniel - both of them - I’ve been seeing him. Sometimes he’s just there when I’m alone. Sometimes I can feel that gun. He’s not gone.” Victor frowned with hesitation. How long had this been happening? How long had Travis kept this a secret? Victor’s first assumption was that it was all a hallucination. But Travis had known how to get out of that prison. Unless Daniel, the first one, had just been Travis’s way of remembering how he’d been dragged into the prison, didn’t that mean he was seeing actual dead people?

Victor bit his lips and tried to think of something to say. “Does he… say things?” Victor whispered.

Travis was quiet for a moment before he lowered his head into his hands.

“Yeah. I… I haven’t slept well since we got here,” His voice broke,” Since we left earth. It just means we’re closer to…” To your father? Travis sighed, his shoulders sagging. Victor could see the exhaustion weighing him down. For months, he’d gotten half the sleep but have done ten times more work. Could his body take much longer? “What about Max? O-Or have you seen Daniel before we were in the prison?” Victor suggested, trying to find a more positive outlook.

Travis paused at first and he looked up, eyes reddened byt he’d stopped crying by now. Still, it looked as though he were still biting back stress filled tears. “Stacey, but it was different. I… I think that was an actual hallucination.” He uttered. Why didn’t he tell me any of… Instead of getting angry or confused, Victor decided to look at it from Travis’s angle. He recalled meeting with Caroline after Daniel had gone missing. The woman said she had prescribed Travis sleeping medication and had complained of complaints related to sleep deprivation. Victor hadn’t gone into details with her, and now he wished he had. Maybe he could’ve stopped this when it first started happening.

“I’m tired, Victor. I’m so tired. I feel like haven’t slept since Daniel got his magic,” Travis croaked,” If I could just hold him, like I did when he was little…. If I could redo it, knowing that I might never see him again? I’d never let go of him.” The words coming out of Travis’s mouth were shocking, but after a moment of mulling it over, was it really? The words themselves were quite surprising, having been said outloud by the quiet man. But aligned with his heart, it seemed natural enough. He was just a father missing his son. Victor felt the exact same about his daughters. “What would help you sleep?” Victor asked. He wanted to do anything he could to help.

Though it wouldn’t be that easy. “Holding my family would help,” Travis said in an empty tone,” Other than that, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I know they’re safe… or… if you…” He pointed to his head. Victor smiled a little and sighed, thinking for a moment before he finally nodded.

“This one time. It should only be used in extreme cases. But I think yours is extreme enough.” Victor replied. If Travis could smile then, he would have. But he silently thanked his friend instead, and allowed his heart to calm completely. After some time, the two men rose to their feet and glanced towards the tree house. At first Victor wasn’t sure if Travis could make it inside. It looked as though the panic attack had drained all the energy in his body, not that he had much left.