Wolf Play : I dont wanna be a broke college student :)
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 Hugs4Bugs
06:21:22 Ed (he/they)
Enjoy!
 Hallow's Eve
06:20:45 Hallow, Eve
Alright chat I am headed out for my date. I'll catch you guys later!
 Hallow's Eve
06:20:27 Hallow, Eve
Akari
Thank you!!
 \\ Akari Ahava //
06:19:30 
Hallows- He is beautiful!!
 Hallow's Eve
06:18:56 Hallow, Eve
Ollie

It looks amazing!
 Hugs4Bugs
06:18:51 Ed (he/they)
S t u n n i n g
 Faulty Demons
06:18:25 Ollie, Gold
Okay, I fixed a few things. How does it look now?
-Click-
 Hugs4Bugs
06:18:17 Ed (he/they)
Ok I changed my mind, my saved mushrooms are for apples again xD
 Hugs4Bugs
06:17:42 Ed (he/they)
den expansions 0.0
 Hallow's Eve
06:17:36 Hallow, Eve
Akari

This is him!
-WP Click-
 \\ Akari Ahava //
06:17:23 
Hallow's I havent!
 \\ Akari Ahava //
06:17:10 
Not worth the risk then... I want apples for customs and den expansions lol
 Hallow's Eve
06:17:05 Hallow, Eve
Akari

Did you see my Quasar? I love the pelt so much!
 Hallow's Eve
06:16:38 Hallow, Eve
I've gotten better things, Like a butchers Broom plant and a cooktown orchid but otherwise it's all been feathers or knick knacks
 \\ Akari Ahava //
06:16:28 
Thank you! Yes I love that and her diamond on her forehead! She will be a breeder for sure lol
 Salom_
06:15:47 Sal, Salmon
Akari
Wow, she's gorgeous! And a Quasar!
 Boeing
06:15:16 Boe is a bear, Rawr!
The one time I gambled with Bree, she gave me an Io Moth Caterpillar :")
 Hallow's Eve
06:14:06 Hallow, Eve
No problem!
 \\ Akari Ahava //
06:14:02 
OMG! Look at this female i got from the wolf party game! Not great vitals but she is a beauty!

-WP Click-
 \\ Akari Ahava //
06:13:33 
Oh yuck then definitely not going too. thanks!

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I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:34 PM


Former Pack

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#2846005
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Getting straight into it. I have this little scholarship essay, a looming due date, and nobody to look over it for me. Help?

Prompt: What are your education and Career Goals? How do you plan on impacting your community in the future?

Essay: Min- 250. Max-500. Current- 261

Revised: 258 words.

My name is []. I'm a senior at [] High School, and my goal, once I graduate, is to pursue an Associate Degree in Baking and Pastry Arts and a Bachelor's in Food and Beverage Management at [] & [] University. This will prepare me for owning my own business in the future. What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment. I then knew that, unlike other hobbies I had tried, this was what I truly enjoyed and wished to spend time furthering my knowledge of. When I first had the thought of owning my own business, I didn't think of doing much with it. Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in situations that I could have been in, had I not been so fortunate. My wish is to create a community filled with acceptance and warmth by using any business I create. What I wish to do is hire certain nonviolent criminals and those who are beginning to age out of the foster care system, therefore giving a second chance to those who need it. This scholarship would allow me to gain the skills necessary to not only survive but thrive in my chosen field, as well as use my experience to help others thrive.


Edited at December 31, 2022 08:21 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:43 PM


Former Pack

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#2846007
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It's good, but I feel like there are still some things you could improve
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:46 PM


Wilted

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Posts: 376
#2846008
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Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:54 PM


Former Pack

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#2846010
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It does help! Also, I wish I could ask a teacher to look it over but the due date is before winter break is over so most of my teachers aren't checking their email.

Wilted said:
Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!


I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:08 PM


Former Pack

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#2846016
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--

Edited at December 31, 2022 07:53 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:20 PM


Wilted

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#2846020
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Hmm, have you tried reading this out loud? There's a lot of commas/pauses. I wouldn't exactly try to compress everything into one sentence, as that can be a mouthful (brainful? I'm still tired).
Try splitting them up a bit?
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:30 PM


Former Pack

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#2846032
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Try to change "What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made" to:
My passion for baking made me desire a career in this field, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:33 PM


Former Pack

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#2846033
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Be sure to add a period between 'made' and 'the'
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
Should be
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made. The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:34 PM


Former Pack

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#2846035
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I'm just pointing out minor things that need to be fixed for now
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:35 PM


Former Pack

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#2846036
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Wow, kinda embarrassed I didn't notice I forgot a period lol
Also, I appreciate any and all help!

Edited at December 31, 2022 08:36 PM by Flower Field

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