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12:04:48 Toliska, Desti, Coy
Ugh. My internet is being a pain
 Transcendence
11:58:52 anti gen ai
Pvp up. I need a boost up the power pvp lb lmao
 Transcendence
11:57:31 anti gen ai
Its fine

Also och Desti Im doing alright. Holiday stuff. I hope your holidays are well to you
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11:48:44 Spirit (Her/She)
Just Kidding. Kinda. X~X
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Who wants me to flood chat with my boy problems?
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11:42:23 Toliska, Desti, Coy
@Transcendence
Eh.. Some things are kind of fine and others aren't.

How're you doing
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11:39:41 anti gen ai
Henlo Desti
I hope you're doing okay
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11:34:57 winter
@transcendence good game! sorry for poofing on you earlier for pvp
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11:33:35 Toliska, Desti, Coy
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Hey :)
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11:30:55 anti gen ai
Pvp time anyone
 Zeraphia
11:28:10 Festive Vah
XD I was responding to stuff and got a 'tiny' bit carried away.
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11:28:10 Spirit (Her/She)
Guess what, I start night checks today! X.X

P.S. Someone should ask what night checks are XD
 Zeraphia
11:27:38 Festive Vah
Desti

Oh man, I'd hate to have a world full of me's.

...

Oof.
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11:27:35 Toliska, Desti, Coy
Bleh. I'm getting a little bored
 Destinations End
11:14:52 Toliska, Desti, Coy
@Vah
That is very, very true. I don't think I would like a world where everyone was exactly the same
 Zeraphia
11:13:50 Festive Vah
But there's a bit of fun in that. If we were all the same, it wouldn't be very fun.
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11:12:37 Toliska, Desti, Coy
@Vah
Yeah. We are all indeed just us ^^'
 Zeraphia
11:11:13 Festive Vah
Desti

It would. But, unfortunately, I am just me. Pfft.
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11:09:52 Toliska, Desti, Coy
@Vah
Yeah.. being able to help everyone would definitely be nice
 Zeraphia
11:07:59 Festive Vah
Desti

I wish I could just help everyone sometimes. I can't, but man, it'd be nice.

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Forums > Socialize
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I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:34 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846005
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Getting straight into it. I have this little scholarship essay, a looming due date, and nobody to look over it for me. Help?

Prompt: What are your education and Career Goals? How do you plan on impacting your community in the future?

Essay: Min- 250. Max-500. Current- 261

Revised: 258 words.

My name is []. I'm a senior at [] High School, and my goal, once I graduate, is to pursue an Associate Degree in Baking and Pastry Arts and a Bachelor's in Food and Beverage Management at [] & [] University. This will prepare me for owning my own business in the future. What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment. I then knew that, unlike other hobbies I had tried, this was what I truly enjoyed and wished to spend time furthering my knowledge of. When I first had the thought of owning my own business, I didn't think of doing much with it. Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in situations that I could have been in, had I not been so fortunate. My wish is to create a community filled with acceptance and warmth by using any business I create. What I wish to do is hire certain nonviolent criminals and those who are beginning to age out of the foster care system, therefore giving a second chance to those who need it. This scholarship would allow me to gain the skills necessary to not only survive but thrive in my chosen field, as well as use my experience to help others thrive.


Edited at December 31, 2022 08:21 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:43 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846007
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It's good, but I feel like there are still some things you could improve
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:46 PM


Wilted

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 376
#2846008
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Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:54 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846010
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It does help! Also, I wish I could ask a teacher to look it over but the due date is before winter break is over so most of my teachers aren't checking their email.

Wilted said:
Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!


I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:08 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846016
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--

Edited at December 31, 2022 07:53 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:20 PM


Wilted

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 376
#2846020
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Hmm, have you tried reading this out loud? There's a lot of commas/pauses. I wouldn't exactly try to compress everything into one sentence, as that can be a mouthful (brainful? I'm still tired).
Try splitting them up a bit?
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:30 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846032
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Try to change "What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made" to:
My passion for baking made me desire a career in this field, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:33 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846033
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Be sure to add a period between 'made' and 'the'
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
Should be
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made. The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:34 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846035
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I'm just pointing out minor things that need to be fixed for now
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:35 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846036
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Wow, kinda embarrassed I didn't notice I forgot a period lol
Also, I appreciate any and all help!

Edited at December 31, 2022 08:36 PM by Flower Field

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