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 MistClan
12:43:28 Caol (he/him)
very tired, Drago
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 DraconicLights
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Good morning, chat! (At least, it's morning for me...) I just got off of work... how's everyone doing today?
 Existence
11:52:21 Exist / Kuskyn
Emmet, It's more I am procrastinating actually artworks at the moment xD
But I got a close to tan as a could without having the layer overlays going to the red under tones finally.
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 Continental Wolves
11:49:17 Emmet , Spoopy Wolf
Exist
Good luck with that, I don't have the patience for trying to come up with new bases
 Existence
11:42:40 Exist / Kuskyn
Emmet it's still not the ten I was trying to get but I'll accept it and make another one that hopefully comes out tanner than this xD
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11:41:46 Emmet , Spoopy Wolf
Exist
It gives natural vibes which I like
 Existence
11:40:38 Exist / Kuskyn
Emmet this is my thought so far for the browny tan-
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Messing with layers to try and preserve the actual colours
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11:36:13 Emmet , Spoopy Wolf
Exist
Man now you have me dreaming of using bases that don't exist
 Existence
11:27:44 Exist / Kuskyn
Emmet, I would love a tany brown, I really like the tan base for original coats so I definitely want to give one a go, and I might give a lighter grey a try too!
 Continental Wolves
11:24:14 Emmet , Spoopy Wolf
Exist
If it's not too much maybe also a lighter grey or tan one? Either way I'd love to see the one you just linked or a brown one being implemented, I could use that for so many of my custom designs
 Existence
11:21:34 Exist / Kuskyn
Emmet, I do too I am like I want more grey scale ones, I'm thinking of making a brown one like it for the new common pelt contest
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11:20:06 Emmet , Spoopy Wolf
Exist
Can I just say I love that pelt *^*
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Trying to decent on what to name this pelt but I feel like even if I name it it might still be changed xD
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Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
   1 

Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 26, 2024 10:45 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2990982
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Characters: Tyr, Tala, Lyra

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked in irritation. "It's been aa entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala sighed in exasperation. "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, sprang to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack: The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only the three of them, plus two pups, Lesia and Alita.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack..." She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilage, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired." Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happned: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and he has nothing to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happned to one of my previous pack's leader. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly, and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.

Based on a true story. I sent Tyr to do the Border Patrol Game and he totally got bested by a rabbit. (It's ok, Tyr, I still love you❤️)


Edited at February 29, 2024 06:55 PM by Mazie
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:00 PM


Broken Dawn

Neutral
 
Posts: 2251
#2991772
Give Award
Nice story!
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:26 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2991805
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Alrighty! So! Here's the critique you asked for. I also went over your story and made a few edits and suggestions which will be below.

Starting with critiques, I firstly have to compliment your writing as a whole. You actually have a really solid style and great understanding of making a story flow smoothly. Most of my critiques and edits are just small things to keep in mind and to add that extra bit of smoothness (mostly from experience and learning what reads a touch better). You do a great job staying away from passive voice and making each sentence expressive. You used one adverb, which is impressive. Generally, reword sentences over using adverbs in the writing world, but personally, I think they're fine.

Overall, I don't really have much to critique or change. Most I can suggest outside the edits below is to now start leaning into setting. There isn't much, and you can really make a story pop by helping visualize the area.

~

Here are my edits:

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked irritatedly in irritation. "It's been an entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala rolled her eyes (Consider her squinting or turning away in exasperation. She just rolled her eyes a few sentences before). "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, jumped (“sprang” is a vibrant word to consider instead of jumped)to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack, named Mazie : The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only them three the three of them, plus two pups: Lesia and Alita, who had also joined quite recently.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack - wait, actually," she mused, "before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

“Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack…" She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually, before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilege, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired," Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happened: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and there he has nothing for him to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happened to one of my previous pack's leaders. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.


Edited at February 27, 2024 10:33 PM by TimesGhost
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 28, 2024 04:57 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2992354
Give Award
Wow, this is amazing! I can tell you know a ton about creative writing. I can't express to you how helpful this is! I will definitely include your edits into my short story. Thank you so much!

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