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 LeafClan
08:22:54 Leaf she/her
Night Luna!
 EvergreenHills
08:21:20 Ever/Luna
Leaf
hope you do! I have to sign off for the night! Cya!
 LeafClan
08:20:07 Leaf she/her
Luna I am hopeing to breed him too but have not found a good girl yet..
 EvergreenHills
08:19:12 Ever/Luna
Leaf
Indeed he does!
 LeafClan
08:17:48 Leaf she/her
Luna he has a lot to live up to!
 Aci
08:17:02 Aci
Hoodie after almost 4000 mush all bar him have been under 127 pounds xD Hopefully to customise him and have one of my old custom designs alive again.
 Hoodie
08:15:21 He/Him
Aci

Heçk yeah! Whatre your plans for him? *^*
 EvergreenHills
08:14:49 Ever/Luna
Aztecs
Sell.
 EvergreenHills
08:14:26 Ever/Luna
Leaf, I respect Eternal Fire. Her legacy will live on forever.
 LeafClan
08:14:04 Leaf she/her
Aztecs sell you can get good mush for her!
 Serpents
08:13:53 Waterfall,Zane,Pixal
desktop toggle no look like it used to on desktop tought the news said it would
 Aztecs
08:13:38 
hey chat. keep, retire, or sell??
-WP Click-
 LeafClan
08:12:07 Leaf she/her
Luna wanna see eternal fire this is her link look at all the creatures she battled that he shall live up to!
-WP Click-
 Aci
08:11:56 Aci
-WP Click-
Finally a hero hw for once x.x
 EvergreenHills
08:10:20 Ever/Luna
Oh. Nevermind. I respect the slap.
 LeafClan
08:08:30 Leaf she/her
He is grieving over Eternal Fire who he was named after she died at age 11.
 EvergreenHills
08:06:36 Ever/Luna
Leaf
What is wrong with Winters Fire...Damn...
 LeafClan
08:05:37 Leaf she/her
Winters Fire is moody and Raider tries to cheer them up but gets slapped.
 Archived Stars
08:02:56 Archive
Fei,
That's a bummer to hear. I hope your day improves tomorrow :)
 EvergreenHills
08:01:35 Ever/Luna
Demon
Love it. The colors go together so well.

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Forums > Socialize
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I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:34 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846005
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Getting straight into it. I have this little scholarship essay, a looming due date, and nobody to look over it for me. Help?

Prompt: What are your education and Career Goals? How do you plan on impacting your community in the future?

Essay: Min- 250. Max-500. Current- 261

Revised: 258 words.

My name is []. I'm a senior at [] High School, and my goal, once I graduate, is to pursue an Associate Degree in Baking and Pastry Arts and a Bachelor's in Food and Beverage Management at [] & [] University. This will prepare me for owning my own business in the future. What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment. I then knew that, unlike other hobbies I had tried, this was what I truly enjoyed and wished to spend time furthering my knowledge of. When I first had the thought of owning my own business, I didn't think of doing much with it. Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in situations that I could have been in, had I not been so fortunate. My wish is to create a community filled with acceptance and warmth by using any business I create. What I wish to do is hire certain nonviolent criminals and those who are beginning to age out of the foster care system, therefore giving a second chance to those who need it. This scholarship would allow me to gain the skills necessary to not only survive but thrive in my chosen field, as well as use my experience to help others thrive.


Edited at December 31, 2022 08:21 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:43 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846007
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It's good, but I feel like there are still some things you could improve
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:46 PM


Wilted

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 376
#2846008
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Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:54 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846010
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It does help! Also, I wish I could ask a teacher to look it over but the due date is before winter break is over so most of my teachers aren't checking their email.

Wilted said:
Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!


I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:08 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846016
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--

Edited at December 31, 2022 07:53 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:20 PM


Wilted

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 376
#2846020
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Hmm, have you tried reading this out loud? There's a lot of commas/pauses. I wouldn't exactly try to compress everything into one sentence, as that can be a mouthful (brainful? I'm still tired).
Try splitting them up a bit?
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:30 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846032
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Try to change "What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made" to:
My passion for baking made me desire a career in this field, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:33 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846033
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Be sure to add a period between 'made' and 'the'
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
Should be
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made. The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:34 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846035
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I'm just pointing out minor things that need to be fixed for now
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:35 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846036
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Wow, kinda embarrassed I didn't notice I forgot a period lol
Also, I appreciate any and all help!

Edited at December 31, 2022 08:36 PM by Flower Field

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