There’s so much going through my head right now, and I feel like I’m going to breakdown completely if I don’t get this out of my head. I have no idea where to begin, so sorry if it seems a little scattered. A lot of things that appear in the first part of this will be very important later on.
School issues -
My family and I {I’m still in school} live overseas for my parent’s jobs. We’ve lived in Europe for the past- actually more than - 3 years. I really matured here, and my most vivid memories are here.
I was a kid back when I lived in the States. As a kid, I had no idea what was going on around me. My only concerns were getting a sticker from the teacher, playing, drawing, and my next sweet treat. I had 0 idea about the struggles of those around me, and the violence happening around me.
When I came to Europe, I was finally away from all of that, but I had no idea. It wasn’t until a year later that I realized how awful things are. But, in Europe, I was safe from all of that. We lived on a secure base, with ID checks and police patrolling. I felt safe there.
Unfortunately, I wans’t placed in the local schools. I went to an American Secondary School that was also on a base. We had two MP’s {Military police} in the school at all times, as well as guards at the front of the gates to check ID’s and such.
The school itself was great. I loved it. The teachers were pretty great too. I never had any serious problems with any of them. It was the students that I absolutely loathed. They were positivley the worse peers I have ever had. Everyday I had to go in, I hated it. I usually love school. But these kids made it unbearable. Usually, I dont get along well with people my age. My usual friends were upperclassmen, kids in the grades above me, because either we were in the same friend group, or we met during one of my classes that I share with upperclassmen.
The thing is, I felt safe outside the school, in our local host nation. I didn’t feel safe inside the school, with the Americans. I, myself, would be consider American, I was born there and raised there for part of my life, but I truely don’t think of it as my home.
At that school, I met a lot of different types of people.
#1 - My first ever toxic friend. I do admit it, our friendship was unstable from the start. The was a time where I went down the rabbit hole, the worst I have ever been in my life, and it lasted for years. They, too, were at that point. We bonded together over that, and really became each other’s life support. I depended solely on this person, and they on me. Or so I thought. After over a year of this, they got one of my other semi-friends (I foolishly pushed away my other friends during this time.) to give me a note, telling me a lot of things. One of them was “It’s not your fault, but I felt happier before I met you.” It’s safe to say that’s where I got a lot of my abandonment issues from. That, and my ex, who will come up later. My entire lifeline was cut in half. I had nobody. I was alone. Luckily, that wasn’t the case at all. Those who wanted the best for me, the ones who never gave up on me, nevermind it was like 1 or 2 people, were there.
I’m better now, no longer in that deep pit. I still have those trust and abandonment issues though. And even though I made up with that person, I don’t talk with them much, I don;t trust them much, and we’re no longer in the same friend group.
#2 - The ‘Popular kids’. Those snotty stuckups that think they’re all high and mighty. You probably had/have a group of those kids at your school. The ones who think that can walk all over you? Yeah, that didn’t work out very well between me and them. I’m someone with a lot of behavioral health issues. I’m quick to snap, have a short temper, bipolar moodswings, sometimes I get violent, sometimes I can’t understand others emotions. I’m standoffish and impulsive, or overly anxious and agitated. I didn’t let them walk all over me, maybe went a little to far, and now I have a bunch of people who want to rip my guts out :D
#3 - The ‘trouble kids’. The ones who bring weapons and illegal substances to school? Those ones. I don’t know, from what I’ve heard it’s more or less normal to have an abundance of these kids at Secondary schools. But, it was so bad that now, we have sniffer dogs working throughout the school day to sniff out those things. Good for us. And yet, despite all of that, it really just got worse.
#4 - My ex girlfriend. Heh. Though we are on good terms now, not really friends and we don’t talk much, but we have no bad blood. But she is one of the resons behind my trust issues.
For those who don’t know from my bio, I’m an Afab, or biofemale. I’m also Pansexual and Polyamorus. She was my first ever relationship, and it lasted 5 months, but it ended because of her.
When I came out to her as Poly, she was like: Okay, cool. Didn’t comment on it. Didn’t say she was too. A few weeks later, she came up to me and asked if I would be fine with her dating someone else while she dated me. I, being Poly, had no issues with this. But remember, she never said she was poly too. Just Lesbian. So I felt like she used me. And not to mention, the reason we broke up in the first place was because the her other partner {Who I have 0 contact with} lied and said I said some things, and she trusted them {Dating for 2 weeks} over me {Dating for 5 months.}
Now, a lot is happening in the States. Most of us, if not all, know this. It’s a mess, in my opinion. I have no desire to go back there and continue school, but I have no choice.
I’m scared. I truely am.
Being Pan and Poly, as well as Atheist, and moving to a very religious state, terrifies me. Not to mention that the school has well over 3000 students. I’ll be living off base. There won’t be people watching out for you every where you go. It’s America, where the avarage gun ratio is 2 to one person. I will be taking self defence classes.
One thing that scares me the most though are my grades. I’m a straight A student. I work really hard to keep it that way. I want to be the best I can be so I can have a good future. But, the American school district overseas is awful. It put me behind academically. And for someone who goes into AP and Daul credit classes, I can’t have that. So now, I’m working my ass off during the summer that we’re already busy with the move, relearning my current grade, learning next years grade, and learning part of the year after that, just so I can keep up.
My only expirience with American kids have been horrible. I know things aren’t always going to be perfect, but I do know that I will probably get made fun of, like I do now. I have to wear noise cancelling headphones because of my noise triggered anxiety and my sensitivity to sound. I get made fun of that all the time now, so I don’t see why that’ll change.
How can I trust people and make friends after all of that? How do I maintain a friendship with my personality issues? My behavior issues?
I’m scared of going there. A new place, new people, possibly danger all around me, that no one else is too worried about.
My mother told me one day that down town, near my KINDERGARDEN school, there was fights and gun violence all the time. That my school had lockdowns all the time. And she said it in such a causal way.
I’m scared.
.
.
.
My issues-
Another thing about me- I like to rant (As you can probably see above).
My parents, even after saying, yeah, We have time for that, don’t listen to any of it. They go off and talk to others, watch tv, scroll on their phones. AND, they constantly give me time limits on how long I can rant. Like, two minutes! You have 30 seconds! It’s irritating to no end!
And the day my mother said that we could go on a walk, just the two of us, and I could talk her ear off all I want, it never happened.
She was working that day, only for a little bit. I know things can come up and she tends to work from home too, and she gets mad when we interrupt and ask for things {ex, my walk with her}, so I let her come up to get me when she was ready. She never came.
I always feel left out. Unheard. Ignored. This always happens to me. The only person I’ve ever been able to talk to freely is my therapist. They’re so great, and I love them. But, I have to move. And leave them. What a wonderful thing.
One last thing. I am in a…sort of? Relationship with someone right now. I don’t know exactly what we are, considering neither of us have referred to the other as my partner, but who knows?
They’re staying here. I’m moving. I’m Poly. I don’t think that they know it.
I want to tell them, but I’m not sure how too. And they should know. I’m not sure if I should wait until I develop feelings for someone State side and then tell them ot if I should just tell them right now…
I just…I have no idea what to do. I have other things that are on my mind, but I feel like you guys have had enough of me ranting, lmao. Didn’t want this to get so long.
Have a great night/day! And if you ever need to talk, my PM’s are always open <3
~Soulsilver
Winter 
Night 
Clear Moon: 
