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 Vennenum
03:44:02 Venn/Venne
I don't know either. She's yells every thirty seconds at my uncle's driving. 😂
 Eternitys Gaze
03:43:40 tern / gaze
oh geez three days? i'd go crazy-
 Animus Vox
03:43:01 
she told you about the curves so you'd pass it on to the driver haha
 Vennenum
03:42:46 Venn/Venne
Worlds worst backseat driver.
 Reprobate
03:42:38 🤓
what does she think you will do
 Reprobate
03:42:27 🤓
okay the curves one is a little funny
 Vennenum
03:41:26 Venn/Venne
Imagine 3 days of this.
 Eternitys Gaze
03:40:54 tern / gaze
oh how fun-
 Vennenum
03:40:16 Venn/Venne
She just told me to be careful on the curves. Im not even driving.
 Vennenum
03:39:59 Venn/Venne
She worries about eeeeverything.
 Eternitys Gaze
03:33:00 tern / gaze
Venn
how-
 Vennenum
03:25:51 Venn/Venne
I still can't get over how she thinks we'll poke ourselves eating skewers.
 Eternitys Gaze
03:24:29 tern / gaze
Venn
Venn
hmm maybe its the sun not sure though /sarc /j
 starmutt
03:24:22 marsh | they/it
grandma yapping
 Vennenum
03:21:53 Venn/Venne
"why is the cloud brighter over there but not over here."

Not thta I had much to begin with, but Im losing briancells here.
 Vennenum
03:20:35 Venn/Venne
Left the hotel at 1pm. It's 5:20 now and grandma has not shut up.
 Reprobate
03:18:45 🤓
good niiight
 arlo
03:18:16 fruck frontman
okayyy it's 4 am for me i think it's time i head to bed goodnight geeks
 Reprobate
02:52:29 🤓
that's just your skibidi sigma rizz it's okay
 Collar
02:50:25 poggers aura
im SO normal and sane
id never even say skibidi

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 Vennenum
03:44:02 Venn/Venne
I don't know either. She's yells every thirty seconds at my uncle's driving. 😂
 Eternitys Gaze
03:43:40 tern / gaze
oh geez three days? i'd go crazy-
 Animus Vox
03:43:01 
she told you about the curves so you'd pass it on to the driver haha
 Vennenum
03:42:46 Venn/Venne
Worlds worst backseat driver.
 Reprobate
03:42:38 🤓
what does she think you will do
 Reprobate
03:42:27 🤓
okay the curves one is a little funny
 Vennenum
03:41:26 Venn/Venne
Imagine 3 days of this.
 Eternitys Gaze
03:40:54 tern / gaze
oh how fun-
 Vennenum
03:40:16 Venn/Venne
She just told me to be careful on the curves. Im not even driving.
 Vennenum
03:39:59 Venn/Venne
She worries about eeeeverything.
 Eternitys Gaze
03:33:00 tern / gaze
Venn
how-
 Vennenum
03:25:51 Venn/Venne
I still can't get over how she thinks we'll poke ourselves eating skewers.
 Eternitys Gaze
03:24:29 tern / gaze
Venn
Venn
hmm maybe its the sun not sure though /sarc /j
 starmutt
03:24:22 marsh | they/it
grandma yapping
 Vennenum
03:21:53 Venn/Venne
"why is the cloud brighter over there but not over here."

Not thta I had much to begin with, but Im losing briancells here.
 Vennenum
03:20:35 Venn/Venne
Left the hotel at 1pm. It's 5:20 now and grandma has not shut up.
 Reprobate
03:18:45 🤓
good niiight
 arlo
03:18:16 fruck frontman
okayyy it's 4 am for me i think it's time i head to bed goodnight geeks
 Reprobate
02:52:29 🤓
that's just your skibidi sigma rizz it's okay
 Collar
02:50:25 poggers aura
im SO normal and sane
id never even say skibidi




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Forums > Socialize
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I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:34 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846005
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Getting straight into it. I have this little scholarship essay, a looming due date, and nobody to look over it for me. Help?

Prompt: What are your education and Career Goals? How do you plan on impacting your community in the future?

Essay: Min- 250. Max-500. Current- 261

Revised: 258 words.

My name is []. I'm a senior at [] High School, and my goal, once I graduate, is to pursue an Associate Degree in Baking and Pastry Arts and a Bachelor's in Food and Beverage Management at [] & [] University. This will prepare me for owning my own business in the future. What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment. I then knew that, unlike other hobbies I had tried, this was what I truly enjoyed and wished to spend time furthering my knowledge of. When I first had the thought of owning my own business, I didn't think of doing much with it. Before long, I began to think of all the good I could do for those in situations that I could have been in, had I not been so fortunate. My wish is to create a community filled with acceptance and warmth by using any business I create. What I wish to do is hire certain nonviolent criminals and those who are beginning to age out of the foster care system, therefore giving a second chance to those who need it. This scholarship would allow me to gain the skills necessary to not only survive but thrive in my chosen field, as well as use my experience to help others thrive.


Edited at December 31, 2022 08:21 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:43 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846007
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It's good, but I feel like there are still some things you could improve
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:46 PM


Wilted

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 376
#2846008
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Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 06:54 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846010
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It does help! Also, I wish I could ask a teacher to look it over but the due date is before winter break is over so most of my teachers aren't checking their email.

Wilted said:
Heyo, I would replace a bit of your wording;
"while also" -> "in addition to",
"Before too long, however," -> "Not too long after".
Apologies if this was vague or didn't make sense, I'm a little tired hehe. There's a whole list somewhere, but I forgot what it's called.
However if your school has a career center or similar, I do recommend going there or asking a trusted teacher!


I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:08 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846016
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--

Edited at December 31, 2022 07:53 PM by Flower Field
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 07:20 PM


Wilted

Darkseeker
 
Posts: 376
#2846020
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Hmm, have you tried reading this out loud? There's a lot of commas/pauses. I wouldn't exactly try to compress everything into one sentence, as that can be a mouthful (brainful? I'm still tired).
Try splitting them up a bit?
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:30 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846032
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Try to change "What made me desire a career in this field? My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made" to:
My passion for baking made me desire a career in this field, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:33 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2846033
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Be sure to add a period between 'made' and 'the'
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
Should be
My passion for baking, as well as the sheer joy I felt when seeing others enjoy the dishes I made. The happiness that I was able to create using nothing but my hands and mediocre skills gave me a sense of fulfillment.
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:34 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846035
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I'm just pointing out minor things that need to be fixed for now
I dont wanna be a broke college student :)December 31, 2022 08:35 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2846036
Give Award
Wow, kinda embarrassed I didn't notice I forgot a period lol
Also, I appreciate any and all help!

Edited at December 31, 2022 08:36 PM by Flower Field

Forums > Socialize
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