Having scars in your brain, reminders of people who hurt you-- kinda sucks.

why did they leave? Why did you die? Why did you quit? why did I get left behind when I showed you love, when I cared, when I didn't fucking give up on you? I gave you time, I gave you patience, I gave you love, I gave you encouragement, I'd cheer you on, I'd hug you when you got back from your trips, and then you ghosted me. Broke up. And started bullying me. I loved you so fucking much, that losing you changed me for the worse. I lost myself so much. Who knew love was a double edged sword? Who knew it was so....numbing..

dude I even ran to the mountains, running away from my dad. I lied there for 5 hours. I was missing for 5 hours, and then I heard YOUR voice. Calling. I heard your voice from the town that was a mile away. Your scream was so loud that I heard it. I broke into tears, wailing, screaming into the rocks surrounding me, I wept so hard, because it was your voice. Not hers, not theirs, it was you.

i kissed you on the 4th of July. We watched fireworks on the mountains, you hugged me tightly as the fireworks went off in the distance. You were scared of the loud sounds, and I was your sun, your light, but now I'm nothing but a bore. I'm nothing but bland, I'm getting hit on everyday now, not even for my personality, just because I'm a tomboy muscle mommy- or whatever the fuck that means. I'm so done waiting for others, I'm done having empathy for others, I'm done being with people who aren't worth my time. And now my feelings are just....confusing. I've lost myself. I still laugh, and I still have fun, but you know....I miss having someone to text me everyday. Having someone that would say "I love you Av." Before you go to bed. I hate being alone, but I healed alone.

just having someone to snuggle with and give you light kisses, having someone to explode sodas with, to sing karaoke with, to hold hands with, to stare at each other but then bust up laughing, to have someone special sleep on your shoulder, to hold them in your arms... is everything to me.

I just want to watch the stars with someone I love, to sing and dance in the kitchen, to love each other, to go on late night drives, and to fall asleep together on the couch... that's all I need