i. am really tired of being misgendered. the only people who use both my correct name and pronouns are my close irl friends, and i love them for it, but they're only 3 people and even their kindest efforts (they're really trying, i love them so much) aren't doing much in the face of everybody else. i try to tell people the correct name. i try to introduce myself with the correct pronouns. and yet i'm ignored.

you know what makes it really hurt? i use any pronouns. any, except for one set. and that's the set everybody defaults to. earlier this week my classmates called me 'she', even though i told the entire class i'm they/them, he/him, it/its, any neos. I didn't get the chance to correct them. I don't know if i want to correct them. I don't want to come off as a bitch, a stickler, one of those 'crazy blue hair and pronouns'. but is it really that hard just to use he/him instead? not even anything 'strange' or 'dehumanising'. stupid, though. using the wrong pronouns for me is dehumanising.

i never know which name to introduce myself with, either. my parents hate my chosen name. they hate that i'm not their perfect little baby girl. i have to introduce myself to anybody my parents know with my deadname, and then when i have to introduce myself to people who know the other person, i can never tell which one to say, and always end up defaulting to my deadname (i.e. my boss knows me by my deadname, do i tell my new coworker my deadname or my real name?). i also fear that my chosen name is somehow too feminine. it's an ungendered word, but the more i think about it, the more 'feminine' it seems, though i don't know what kind of word would be 'masculine'. i can't really change it, though, i've been using it for almost 5 years, and i do like it. i just worry it gives the wrong impression (that perhaps i'm transfem instead of transmasc).

and yes, my family hates hates hates that i'm trans, they hate that i'm not straight, they hate that i'm queer in absolutely any sense of the word and in any identity under the umbrella, even unlabled ones. but i really can't tell where my brother falls. he says he's trying. he says he'll respect my name and pronouns when our parents aren't around, but he doesn't. when it's just us in our little online friend group, he still uses the wrong name and pronouns, calls me his sister. i've confronted him about it before, he says he'll try better, and then he doesn't. we talked about it again earlier today. he agreed to maybe call me by one of my nicknames (which is unfortunately based off of my deadname, but it's funny, so i'll let it slide, if only for a bit), but i don't fully trust him.

another thing about nicknames- not to call anybody out, i know it was done with the best of intentions, but i was given a nickname on here that's just too feminine for me to be comfortable with. i'm not a confrontational person. i don't want to seem mean, so i didn't say anything about it, but every time i'm called by it, it makes me uncomfortable to the point of physically grimacing whenever i see it. i don't want to say anything about it, i feel like it's been too long. i should've spoken up right away, and now it's too late, and i'm stuck with it.

this, and so many other things have been piling up, and i've been seriously considering drastic measures over the past 2 weeks. i need some sort of change, some sort of breakthrough. so instead of those drastic measures, i want to get myself some minoxodil on my way home from work tomorrow. i know it'll take at least 5 months before there's any kind of effect. i know it's a dangerous idea- if my parents find out, i don't even know what they'll do. what i do know is that i'll be in so much trouble, and i don't know if i will ever be able to escape it alive. the minoxidil itself isn't dangerous. it's the best option. knowing that it's there, that something's happening, that there will be results eventually, i'm sure will make me feel at least a little bit better, help me carry through all of this. but my brother says it's a bad idea. i was telling him about it while we were talking about everything, and he says it's stupid, that i shouldn't. he's not queer. he doesn't understand gender dysphoria. i know that he has no idea what he's talking about. and yet, i'm still somehow considering just. not getting it. and i know that will drive me to the brink of madness, and i know that i really will go mad if my parents find it, but at this point, i need it. it's that or drastic measures. really, it's already a drastic measure.

i'm just so tired. and this, and my overwhelming lonliness, are really at the heart of my issues, i think. i need it gone. i need my dysphoria gone, i need my deadname gone, i need the pronouns i don't use gone. and i won't be able to get that.

i don't know what i'm trying to say here. i don't know why i'm leaving this post visible. i don't know anything anymore. i don't even know myself.

oh this is a yap session. sorry to anybody who actually tries to read this shit.

don't worry i have time