Tory: What’s the status up here?

Garvin: Fucked up, about to die, Hikaru’s a nerd. The usual.

-

Garvin: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’

Garvin: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though.

-

Garvin: Okay, two person huddle.

Hikaru: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.

-

Hikaru, watching Maxi do something stupid: Garvin, you're officially only the second highest risk here.

Garvin: Hell yeah! I'm gonna—

Hikaru: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up.

-

Darla: You played me!

Garvin: Like the cheap kazoo you are!

-

Garvin: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Tory: But don't you hate yourself.

Garvin: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

-

Garvin: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're impressed.

Darla: But you do know better.

-

Garvin: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Darla: What's wrong with you??

Garvin: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Tory: No, they mean other than that.

Garvin: Ohhhhhh.

Garvin: I haven't slept in 4 days.

-

Hikaru: I need life advice.

Garvin, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person.

-

Garvin: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.
Maxi: What?
Garvin: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

-

Garvin: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Tory!

Tory: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

-

Garvin: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.

-

Garvin: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

Tory, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

-

Hikaru: Look, Garvin, if you can fit your head down the gun’s barrel, you can assume it doesn’t have a non-lethal setting.

-

Garvin, texting Tory: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…

Tory′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.

*Later*

Tory, texting back: Fuck you.

-

Garvin: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Darla: What changed your mind?

Garvin: Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.

-

Tory: You know, Garvin, when you generalize, you tell general... lies.

Garvin: ...

Garvin: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

-

Garvin, dramatically: They called me a fool.

Darla, sick of Garvin's shit: They weren’t wrong.

Hikaru: What time is it?

Garvin: I don’t know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out

Garvin: *BLASTS the saxophone*

Tory: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING

Garvin: It’s 2 am

Garvin: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep.

Hikaru: I have a problem.

Maxi: Kill it.

Hikaru: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Darla: Thanks for opening my message and not responding.

Garvin: All good bro, any time.

Darla: Fuck you.

Darla: If you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box.

Maxi: That's a trash can.

Maxi: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?

Tory: AS ENEMIES?!

Maxi:

Hikaru: I haven't seen Garvin for fifteen minutes now.

*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Garvin running after it in a panic. Hikaru doesn't look outside at all.*

Hikaru: That probably means he's getting into trouble.

Maxi: Tell Darla off, Tory! Assert yourself!

Tory: That's my ice cream!

Maxi: Good! Now let her have it!!

Tory, handing Darla the ice cream: Here, you can have it!

Maxi: It's locked. You got a lock pick?

Hikaru: Yeah-

Garvin: *kicks in the door*

Tory, pointing a camera at Garvin: There they are, our sweet baby.

Garvin, holding a cigarette and a beer: What-?