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 Kháos
05:30:52 
Multiple 185 and multiple 190
 Kháos
05:30:30 
Oh, you have a few that have the same amount of dominance. Those wolves are fighting.
 Whispering Snow
05:30:20 It's me Rain!! :D
Khaos
I just did that
 Kháos
05:29:36 
That's actually really weird. Try maxing their food and thirst bars? It should be higher.
 Catori
05:29:13 Cat
@leo
I'm a legend, that's who I am
Hahaha
 Night Shade
05:29:09 Graves | Chaos
Vote comment
-WP Click-
 Leo
05:28:30 Leo | Bear say rawr
Cat
Ewww. Who are you xD
 Whispering Snow
05:28:08 It's me Rain!! :D
Khaos
Was only 2 till a minute ago now it's just one
 Catori
05:27:55 Cat
@leo
And you are?? xD
 Kháos
05:27:48 
I'm half here, but not really here. Sorry in advance on slow replies. I'm being jumped by puppies and tackled by friends. ;-;
 Leo
05:27:47 Leo | Bear say rawr
I think you just being online summoned me... I just hopped on, it's 0:30 and it's first time todaay o.o
 Kháos
05:27:16 
Your wolves are fighting over who is the most dominant because a lot are at 0 dominance.
 Leo
05:27:00 Leo | Bear say rawr
Cat :D
 Catori
05:26:34 Cat
Also feed and water
 Whispering Snow
05:26:03 It's me Rain!! :D
Khaos
What would dominance have to do with it?
 Terebinth Wolves
05:24:47 Terebinth or Tere
-WP Click-
Come ask my ocs questions!
 Kháos
05:23:17 
Dominance.
 Whispering Snow
05:18:30 It's me Rain!! :D
Why is my Affinity only 58? They all like each other.
 Desire of The Hills
05:16:41 Hills / Desire
My wolves heal so much faster now that my dom is staggered and happiness is at 80 lol
 Boeing
05:15:28 Boe is a bear, Rawr!
Celestial prosperity is underrated really
The extra health is overlooked too much e.e

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 Kháos
05:30:52 
Multiple 185 and multiple 190
 Kháos
05:30:30 
Oh, you have a few that have the same amount of dominance. Those wolves are fighting.
 Whispering Snow
05:30:20 It's me Rain!! :D
Khaos
I just did that
 Kháos
05:29:36 
That's actually really weird. Try maxing their food and thirst bars? It should be higher.
 Catori
05:29:13 Cat
@leo
I'm a legend, that's who I am
Hahaha
 Night Shade
05:29:09 Graves | Chaos
Vote comment
-WP Click-
 Leo
05:28:30 Leo | Bear say rawr
Cat
Ewww. Who are you xD
 Whispering Snow
05:28:08 It's me Rain!! :D
Khaos
Was only 2 till a minute ago now it's just one
 Catori
05:27:55 Cat
@leo
And you are?? xD
 Kháos
05:27:48 
I'm half here, but not really here. Sorry in advance on slow replies. I'm being jumped by puppies and tackled by friends. ;-;
 Leo
05:27:47 Leo | Bear say rawr
I think you just being online summoned me... I just hopped on, it's 0:30 and it's first time todaay o.o
 Kháos
05:27:16 
Your wolves are fighting over who is the most dominant because a lot are at 0 dominance.
 Leo
05:27:00 Leo | Bear say rawr
Cat :D
 Catori
05:26:34 Cat
Also feed and water
 Whispering Snow
05:26:03 It's me Rain!! :D
Khaos
What would dominance have to do with it?
 Terebinth Wolves
05:24:47 Terebinth or Tere
-WP Click-
Come ask my ocs questions!
 Kháos
05:23:17 
Dominance.
 Whispering Snow
05:18:30 It's me Rain!! :D
Why is my Affinity only 58? They all like each other.
 Desire of The Hills
05:16:41 Hills / Desire
My wolves heal so much faster now that my dom is staggered and happiness is at 80 lol
 Boeing
05:15:28 Boe is a bear, Rawr!
Celestial prosperity is underrated really
The extra health is overlooked too much e.e




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Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
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Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 26, 2024 10:45 PM


Former Pack

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Posts: 0
#2990982
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Characters: Tyr, Tala, Lyra

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked in irritation. "It's been aa entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala sighed in exasperation. "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, sprang to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack: The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only the three of them, plus two pups, Lesia and Alita.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack..." She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilage, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired." Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happned: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and he has nothing to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happned to one of my previous pack's leader. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly, and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.

Based on a true story. I sent Tyr to do the Border Patrol Game and he totally got bested by a rabbit. (It's ok, Tyr, I still love you❤️)


Edited at February 29, 2024 06:55 PM by Mazie
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:00 PM


Broken Dawn

Neutral
 
Posts: 2251
#2991772
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Nice story!
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:26 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2991805
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Alrighty! So! Here's the critique you asked for. I also went over your story and made a few edits and suggestions which will be below.

Starting with critiques, I firstly have to compliment your writing as a whole. You actually have a really solid style and great understanding of making a story flow smoothly. Most of my critiques and edits are just small things to keep in mind and to add that extra bit of smoothness (mostly from experience and learning what reads a touch better). You do a great job staying away from passive voice and making each sentence expressive. You used one adverb, which is impressive. Generally, reword sentences over using adverbs in the writing world, but personally, I think they're fine.

Overall, I don't really have much to critique or change. Most I can suggest outside the edits below is to now start leaning into setting. There isn't much, and you can really make a story pop by helping visualize the area.

~

Here are my edits:

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked irritatedly in irritation. "It's been an entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala rolled her eyes (Consider her squinting or turning away in exasperation. She just rolled her eyes a few sentences before). "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, jumped (“sprang” is a vibrant word to consider instead of jumped)to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack, named Mazie : The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only them three the three of them, plus two pups: Lesia and Alita, who had also joined quite recently.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack - wait, actually," she mused, "before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

“Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack…" She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually, before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilege, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired," Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happened: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and there he has nothing for him to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happened to one of my previous pack's leaders. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.


Edited at February 27, 2024 10:33 PM by TimesGhost
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 28, 2024 04:57 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2992354
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Wow, this is amazing! I can tell you know a ton about creative writing. I can't express to you how helpful this is! I will definitely include your edits into my short story. Thank you so much!

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