Song: I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young.

(With some slight adjustments to the lyrics to avoid as much repeating and make it more accurate to characters in certain places)

Characters: Garvin and Aries. Rest of GRAIN and the pirates are mentioned.

Context:

Just Garvin going through a redemption arc with Aries’ constant help. Basically. But also just how very bad it could go at any point. This turned out to be far more angsty than I meant for it to be. My bad. Man, Garvin being told he's a terrible, terrible child growing up by almost every adult in one way or another definitely doesn't help him out here.

TW: Suicide attempt at the very least.

*~*~*~*

*We start after everything has happened and everyone’s left to start healing. Garvin is, as one probably could expect, not doing much better than he was before the whole war thing and all. He’s still very much deep in the villain arc, really only just starting to think that maybe he should try and make amends and whatnot.*

Garvin, staring at himself through the shattered mirror in his room, contemplating everything that’s happened; “I thought I saw the devil this morning… Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue… With a warning to help me see myself clearer…”

Garvin, just referring to him burning his trench coat, he’s very sad about it, he very much regrets it; “I never meant to start a fire…”

Garvin, referring to his treatment of Revan, actually, like I said, their relationship is not good, neither is their relationship after the breakup; “I never meant to make you bleed…”

Garvin, coming to the decision to at least try getting better and actually start caring about the Earth again, pushing himself off the sink counter and out of the bathroom; “…I’ll be a better man today.”

Garvin, a little bit of his envy now, as he watches the others and how much they seem to care about the Earth, trying to force himself to feel the same despite how much resentment he’s got for the world and everyone on it at the moment; “I’ll be good, I’ll be good… And I’ll… Love the world like I should.”

Garvin, deciding that for the moment trying to care isn’t working, so instead just trying to clean his room and Aries’ room up, you know, make up for all that; “I’ll be good, I’ll be good… For all of the times that I never could.”

*Garvin ends up having a way harder time with making amends and actually continuously wanting to make amends. Some days he feels like he should but doesn’t have the energy, some days he feels like he should and does have the energy, and some days he seriously doesn’t want to at all. So who does he go to? Aries! Duh, of course. Aries very quickly becomes a rock for him and in fact actually admits to some stuff himself in order to make sure Garvin doesn’t feel as bad about not being able to truly get in the groove of getting better.*

Aries, admitting that he’s rather resentful of his own past, that he very easily could’ve ended up giving up on the Earth too had he not been careful; “My past has tasted bitter… For years now. So I’d wield an iron first. Grace is just weakness– Or so I’ve been told. I’ve been cold, I’ve been merciless…”

Aries, and then admitting to why he couldn’t end up giving up on the Earth, or pretty much anything and anyone; “But the blood on my hands scares me to death…”

Aries, nudging Garvin and trying to be at least a little optimistic and hopeful, referring to them both deciding to be at least a little better than they really have to be; “Maybe we’re waking up today.”

Aries, basically just promising himself and Garvin that things will change and get better, that everything will be fine; “I’ll be good, I’ll be good– And we’ll love the world like we should. We’ll be good, we’ll be good.”

Garvin, much less certain or enthusiastic or hopeful as Aries, but willing to give him the promise in return anyway; “I’ll be good, I’ll be good…”

*Now just some Garvin regrets, and everything he thinks he needs to be better for. All the apologies he’s going to suck at giving, if he ever gets to the point where he even tries to apologize.*

Garvin, mostly about Bernard and Nico and how he just wouldn’t let them help or believe their words or basically anything else; “For all of the light that I’ve shut out… For all of the innocent things that I doubt…”

Garvin, mostly about Revan and just how terrible the two were together, probably also about Ingall if he did ever fight him; “For all of the bruises I’ve caused and the tears–”

Garvin, just about his entire life and every mistake he’s ever made or has been told he’s made; “For all of the things that I’ve done all these years, and oh–”

Garvin, once again referring to his trench coat and the fact that he burnt it to ashes; “Yeah, for all of the sparks that I’ve stomped out–”

Garvin, referring to everyone that ever tried with him, but mostly his bestie Aries and the pirates; “For all of the perfect things that I doubt…”

Garvin, absolutely crying at this point, feeling like a piece of shit, still not understanding why he hasn’t seemed to gotten better yet, why he still can’t put everything behind him and just care for all the good people on the Earth or at least the Earth itself; “I’ll be good, I’ll be good… And I’ll love the world like I should…”

Garvin, very much in the mindset that something’s just wrong with him specifically, like so many people have told him in the past and using that as a basis to believe he’s never been good, a good child, a good person, a good friend, a good anything; “I’ll be good, I’ll be good… For all of the times… I never could…”

*Yeahhh, that mindset of him never having been good in any way, shape, or form kind of gets worse and worse. To the point where, despite being out of the villain arc and redeemed and doing so much better, he becomes certain that he’s completely irredeemable. Oops. I think we all know where that leads.*

Garvin, in the midst of killing himself because obviously he’s a shit person that doesn’t deserve to live, very much feeling guilty for basically everything despite having apologized for all of it and then some by now; “For all of the times I never could…”

Song: I Don’t Exist by Olivia O’Brien.

(With some slight adjustments to the lyrics to avoid as much repeating and make it more accurate to characters in certain places)

Characters: Garvin. Briar, Aries, Therin, Clancy, Ford, and the rest of GRAIN are all mentioned to some degree.

Context:

Basically just another villain arc song for Garvin, this time centered around his envy and his total lack of self beyond him being a worthless piece of shit.

*~*~*~*

*We start, like, right after Briar and Aries get kicked out. Garvin, of course, wastes no time in starting the downward spiral.*

Garvin, just sort of thinking that he should’ve known this whole thing was going to end terribly given that everything else in his life does, broken heart here just refers to him always ending up with burnt bridges no matter how close he thought he was with someone, such as with Therin, Clancy, and Ford; “I've been doomed from the start… Everything around me falls apart so quickly… Always end up with a broken heart…”

Garvin, literally just him contemplating suicide yet again in the most half amused manner possible; “Even tylenol can’t fix me– Unless it’s mixed with whiskey.”

Garvin, just some more depression, also him refusing to acknowledge said depression and downplaying it as much as possible; “I ain’t even sad– I’m just bored. Nothing can excite me anymore, like you used to…”

Garvin, villain arc being a villain arc, he does not care about saving Earth at all, it’s a second hand sorry for the people on Earth feeling if anything at all where the idea used to seem cool and like something that could actually make him, you know, something; “Saving Earth has lost all its allure… Used to be so pretty– Now it’s just a pity…”

Garvin, just some more Garvin envy that serves as his way to shift the guilt of him not wanting to save Earth and instead blame the people living on Earth; “All of those people and all of their friends look so good together– And I don’t fit in… ‘Cause they’re picture perfect and I’m on the end… Crop me out the photo so they can pretend like I don’t exist.”

Garvin, repeating the last bit just because of how fucking hard it hits him, like, yeah, the people living there really don’t give a shit; “Like I don’t exist…”

*Skipping to a bit after they get Nico back, Garvin’s just going further down that villain arc. A lot of this is spent in Aries’ old room.*

Garvin, again just thinking about how nothing positive ever seems to last with him, there’s always something to ruin it, living in the past refers to him continuing his relationship with Revan despite how shitty it is, basically just trying to hold onto something; “When I feel good it never lasts… That’s why you can find me living in the past if you need me.”

Garvin, ranting to thin air in Aries’ room, basically acting like his bestie didn’t get kicked out/leave him; “Everybody says this shit will pass… I say it won’t, they don’t believe me, just tell me to deep breathe…”

Garvin, just him admitting that he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all, that he doesn’t know how to go about doing anything but make shit worse; “Falling apart, don’t know what to do. What to do…”

Garvin, just some more absolutely hopeless Garvin, who wants shit to go back to how it was before Aries and Briar got kicked out and Nico got kidnapped but has absolutely no idea how to fix anything whatsoever and even less of an idea of how to fix himself; “Looking for someone to save me, I don’t know who…”

Garvin, just him very much knowing who and very much missing his bestie, he knows how he is, he’s also completely certain that he’s gone forever like everybody else that ever left him in his life; “I don’t know who…”

Garvin, just him thinking that if they could’ve done it all over again, the group would’ve managed better without him, basically him shifting blame to himself while also being an envious little bitch and resenting them for, well, the exact thing he’s imagining, dude seriously be here thinking they would’ve done better without him and then getting mad at them for doing better without him, in his mind; “All of these people and all of their friends looked so good together– And I don’t fit in… ‘Cause they’re picture perfect and I’m on the end… Crop me out the photo so they can pretend like I don’t exist. Like I don’t exist…“

*And now we’re skipping to when Briar and Aries are back. Because Garvin deserves to actually get to rant to his bestie.*

Garvin, right after Aries shows back up, dealing with some very bad derealization and depersonalization, even moreso because Aries is very adamant in that he’s not some hallucination, you know, fun mental breakdown shit; “–Am I even real?”

Garvin, partly a continuation of the last bit, after the initial mental break of his bestie ‘coming back for him’ and all the intense emotions that come with it, now at a much more numb sort of area, just sort of trying to explain why the fuck he was freaking out; “It’s hard to tell when I can’t feel a fucking thing…”

Garvin, and finally some good old ranting to his bestie about how shitty the people of Earth are and how much better than him everyone in the group and how much he hates them but also doesn’t and he’s just the worst, rest assured Aries is very concerned; “All of these people and all of their friends look so good together– And I don’t fit in… ‘Cause they’re picture perfect and I’m on the end… Crop me out the photo so they can pretend like I don’t exist. Like I don’t exist…”

Garvin, some more very bad dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization being ranted to Aries because he’s literally the only person Garvin will talk to for a good while and also he isn’t doing very well at all; “Feel like I don’t exist…”

*Tiny little skip to after the group wins the war and literally nothing is fixed because we love angst way too much for that.*

Garvin, because everything in the moment of winning feels very surreal and while everyone else else is celebrating to some degree, being glad they won and whatnot, Garvin is just sort of getting pushed even further into his near constant state of dissociation and depression because he feels like, yeah, he should be happy they won and yet he isn’t and really, he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, what he should be doing, or who he is; “Am I even real…”