As Esta started unpacking, her thoughts started to wander. Naturally, they landed on Felicia. Probably because of the small picture that Star had pulled out from her bag a few moments prior.

As these thoughts acted up, Esta felt a worm of doubt creep into her heart, slowly picking away at the red-haired girl's overly-trusting personality. She'd made mistakes before. Trusted people she shouldn't have, spilled things she should have kept quiet. It was natural for her. Despite everything, seeing lives be taken by the soft whisper or the overly-exaggerated cry of death, working almost daily with blood and medicines, and, though more rarely, with poisons, she'd kept an almost child-like innocence that made her so easy to love and interact with. Never once had she looked at someone and turned them away, and never once had she given up on a patient. She always did the best she could to help out, even if that did occasionally mean ending a life rather than forcing it to continue.

She'd always been open and kind, trusting and trustworthy. She'd always given everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Yet, as she sat here now, Esta stared into that tiny picture, a big moment frozen in a matter of seconds, she felt that childish trust and innocence start to waver.

---

“Now, we take this, and place it over the fire, then we take the first pieces of meat and place them on that.”

Agni nodded and watched carefully as Eni placed the meat on the slate. It looked simple enough, but Agnar knew himself well enough to know that he'd probably find a way to mess it up when doing it alone. Despite his amazing body control and spatial awareness in the battlefield or forest, he was an absolute wreck in the kitchen, or, in this case, at the campfire.

“And now, we wait a bit before flipping them and adding a few more spices if we decide it necessary.”

Agnar grinned. "It smells great already." He stated, realizing how hungry he actually was as he watched the sizzling meat.

"Hey, uh, thanks, Eni." The young ranger stated, after a moment of silence. "For being here for me. It really means a lot after being alone for so long, ya' know? I guess after jumping from family to family for so long and never finding someone who actually cares about you, you just kinda start to think it's your fault. I know it's not, but... It feels that way sometimes. So, thanks for caring." He looked over at his parent and smiled, a genuine, gentle, calm smile, though it was slightly sad. "You'll always be my favorite parent."

---

The second that Ambrose stepped outside, he faltered. Maybe he should have stayed with Illon, what if they still needed him and he'd just walked out. That probably wasn't good. Sure, Illon had said they wanted to be alone, but who was to say that wasn't just part of their whole speel.

Shaking his head, Ambrose took a deep breath. It was too late now, he'd already left. He'd check on them again after eating, maybe they'd be more open to his company then... or maybe they'd be more reluctant. Ambrose had been a bit more... straightforward than normal just then, probably because of the sour pain that had built up in his chest at Illon's words, but that didn't excuse the fact that he'd probably made a mistake. Illon was just hurting, they needed help, and Ambrose had been harsh. That wasn't fair.

After another moment of hesitation, the traveler started heading towards his tent, freezing when he heard labored breathing coming from Karma's tent, which was next to Ambrose's at the edge of camp. They sounded panicked.

Taking yet another deep breath, Ambrose tapped lightly on the tent flap. He was determined not to make the same mistake that he'd made with Illon. He'd actually be helpful this time.

"Hey, Karma? Can I come in?" His voice was soft and kind.

"Go away."

Karma's voice made Ambrose more nervous, it sounded strained and heavy, full of pain and anxiety.

"Please, I want to help."

"You can't."

"Let me try?"

There was silence for a moment.

"Fine."

Ambrose unzipped the flap and stepped into the tent, eyes widening. Karma's things were strewn all over the floor in a chaotic manner, they were shaking, and there was blood dripping from the palms of their hands. They were breathing hard and their eyes were distant and slightly crazed. This was worse than expected.

"Hey, Karma, can you look at me?"

Karma's head lifted, but they seemed to struggle with actually seeing exactly where Ambrose was positioned, their dark blue eyes swept the whole tent before they finally landed on Ambrose and froze there.

"There we are." Ambrose knelt and placed his guitar to the side, placing his hands on his knees and leaning forward to watch Karma carefully. "Do you know where we are?"

Another moment of hesitation. "Home?" Karma's voice was small, and the word came out as more of a question than a reply.

Ambrose shook his head gently. "Not quite." He reached over and lightly touched Karma's cheek, causing them to flinch. "It's alright, I'm Ambrose. We're currently in a tent in the woods, Eni and Agnar are making food for us right now. You're safe. I'm here. No one is going to hurt you. Okay? Do you understand?"

Karma's head tilted and they blinked. It was obvious that they were trying very hard to concentrate on Ambrose's voice, so he kept talking, his voice soft, gentle, and almost musical.

"You aren't alone. Here, can you feel my hand?" He gently shifted his hand from Karma's cheek to take their hand, starting to rub gentle circles on the back of it, ignoring the fact that his own palm turned slick with crimson blood. Karma nodded faintly. "That's good. Try to focus on your surroundings and breathing. What can you hear? See? Feel? You don't have to say them out loud if you don't want, or you can. Just try to name them the best that you can. You're doing great. I won't leave you until you're okay again."

Amel Wyther | 26 | Male | Demisexual | Leader | Mentions; All

Salen Frez | 25 | Female | Pansexual | Diplomat | Mentions; All, Joliqun!(Ind)

Eni Vizin | 27 | Non-Binary | Demisexual | Mentor | Mentions; All

Illon Elatos | 24 | Non-Binary | Asexual Demiromantic | Inventor | Mentions; All

Agris ‘Blair’ Bairugih | 23 | Male | Gay | Turncoat | Mentions; Amel(Ind), The Others(Even More Ind)

--

“It smells great already. Hey, uh, thanks, Eni. For being here for me. It really means a lot after being alone for so long, ya' know? I guess after jumping from family to family for so long and never finding someone who actually cares about you, you just kinda start to think it's your fault. I know it's not, but... It feels that way sometimes. So, thanks for caring. You'll always be my favorite parent.”

--

Eni looked over at their son with a gentle smile, “Of course, Agnar. I’m sorry that no one cared about you before, but I promise you. Now that I’m here, you don’t have to worry about that again. I’m here for you, and as long as you’re good with having me then I’m not leaving.”

--

And it was true, they weren’t planning on leaving anytime soon. Most certainly not. That was for sure. And it’d take a lot to get them to go. Eni could most definitely be persistent when they wanted to be.

*~*~*~*

Being alone wasn’t one of Illon’s favorite feelings. Though, it was their fault this time. They had told Ambrose to leave, after all. Even if they hadn’t really meant anything they’d said… Illon’s mind still screamed more sentences that would make anyone leave.

--

They deserved it though, being alone. And they’d be alone again once the group reached the city so they might as well as get used to it now. Right? Yeah. Definitely.

--

They kept unpacking, their mind eventually drifting to other things and people. Like Ben. Like their mother. Like how absolutely terrible of a person they were. Like how much they didn’t deserve. Until they stopped unpacking, the thoughts being too loud to truly focus.

--

And then they just allowed themself to sit, though they didn’t lay down. They weren’t sure if they’d be able to get back up if they laid down, after all. So they didn’t. Illon simply sat there, closing their eyes until the images it brought up was too much. And then they kept their eyes open, and just stared at the floor.

*~*~*~*

Blair had gotten situated a while back, in a tree just close enough to keep an eye on everyone in the actual camp. He couldn’t actually hear any of the conversations, but he could ever so slightly see the main area of it. And honestly? It was amazing how… How chaotic they all were. He’d been surprised by it every night since he’d started following them so far.

--

After all, they were a team. And a team was, in many ways, just a found family. So them being so disorganized and misunderstanding of one another was just odd. It didn’t seem right, to him. He couldn’t make sense of it. How they could hurt each other without meaning to and yet never learn.

--

Then again, he supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. This was, after all, Amel Wyther’s team. And that man knew nothing of family. Nothing of respect and truth.

--

He was still surprised that the others hadn’t managed any kind of understanding of each other. They seemed close enough, after all. And yet, there was nothing. It made him have to hold back light chuckles in the slight fear of being found out. Though it was honestly unlikely, given how good he was at keeping a low profile at this point. But for now, he’d rather be careful, if only so he can make sure to get to the city with them. If only so he can make sure to get the revenge his own found family deserved.

~Time skip~

Agnar grinned, looking overly proud about the finished food despite not doing much at all.

"Hell yeah! I might as well be a professional cook now." He stated, placing his hands on his hips. He raised his voice to alert the rest of the camp. "Food's ready!"

Agnar returned his attention to Eni and gave his parent another quick hug before bouncing over to grab materials to help serve the food.

---

Esta looked up when she heard Agnar call out and took a deep breath, hesitantly placing the picture of her and Felicia back in her bag. She took a few minutes to wipe her eyes and take a few breaths. She'd been crying for the past fifteen minutes for reasons that even she didn't fully understand, and she definitely didn't want the others to worry about her because of it.

Upon standing, Esta also realized that her tent was still a complete mess and she shook her head in disapproval. She really should have cleaned up.

After a few more moments of collecting herself, Esta took an extra deep breath and stepped outside, almost running directly into Isabella who chuckled and wrapped her arm easily around the red-heads waist to steady her when she stumbled.

"Easy, love! I already know you fell for me, you don't need to do it again!"

Esta blushed, allowing her girlfriend to steady her. "Thank you, sorry Isa."

"No worries!" Isabella's tone changed slightly as she examined Esta. There was no laughter or scolding over her terrible flirting, and the shorter girl's pretty eyes were red-rimmed. She looked tired and almost frustrated, something Bella hadn't really seen on the other before. "You okay, Star?" She asked more softly.

Esta quickly put a smile on. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

Isabella narrowed her eyes. Something was definitely wrong. She quickly scanned the camp, hoping to catch the attention of Salen before turning back to Esta. "Love, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Bell, I'm okay," Esta said, more quickly this time, before gently pushing Isabella away and trotting over to where a proud Agnar handed her a plate. "This looks delicious! Thank you, Eni, and Agnar, and well done!" She smiled a very convincing false smile as the younger man grinned widely.

Isabella stared at Esta in shock as the other girl walked away. She had pushed Bella away. Esta never did that. At least, not seriously. Clenching her jaw, Isa turned around, immediately searching for Salen. Something was definitely wrong, even more so than she initially thought.

---

"Hey, Karma? Let's go eat, okay?" Ambrose's voice was soft as he attempted to coax a still very distressed Karma to leave their tent. Karma was no longer sobbing or clawing at their head or wrists, but they had a rather distant look in their eyes, one that Ambrose knew very well. Just after a panic attack, they often fell into this same state. Your mind was aware of your surroundings again, but not fully willing to reengage, and your body was so physically exhausted that you just wanted to lay down and sleep. Now, Karma was sitting, leaning slightly on Ambrose, and staring at the floor of their tent.

"I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat, Karma, it's unhealthy not to."

"Esta gets away with it." There was a hint of bitterness in Karma's voice and Ambrose resisted the urge to sigh.

"We're... working on that. Promise. Now please, eat. You can eat in here if you want, do you want me to bring you food?"

There was a hint of hesitance in Karma's eyes before they shook their head.

"Okay, then can you come out, please?"

Another pause, and then Karma stood slowly, waiting for Ambrose to exit before following slowly, feet dragging a little as they reached the campfire. Ambrose smiled slightly and accepted a plate from Agnar with a grateful nod.

"It smells wonderful."

"Thanks! I made it with Eni!"

Ambrose couldn't help but smile at that, Agnar was obviously a little more proud than he maybe should be about the food preparation.

"Well done."

Agnar grinned and handed a plate to Karma, not even glancing at them as they took it and sat down a little ways away from the fire. Ambrose hesitated, scanning the camp for Illon. He felt like he needed to see the other again, to make sure they really were okay.

A hint of frustration clawed at the traveler's throat. Not frustration at Illon or Karma, but frustration at himself. His friends were hurting and he couldn't help them. Even though he tried.

And he'd left his guitar in Karma's tent. That meant he couldn't sit and play to calm himself or others after or while they were eating. Which meant he'd given up pretty much his only decent tool on accident. Which meant he was pretty much useless.

Karma watched Ambrose silently from the edge of the circle, tracking his movements. They could see the frustration, worry, and growing pain on his face, but knew very well that there was nothing they could do about it. Especially considering the fact that they were almost definitely the cause of said emotions.

Guilt rose in Karma's chest and they dropped their eyes again, fiddling with the food without eating it. Their hands had been mostly cleaned up by Ambrose, but there was still some dried blood sitting under their nails from scratching. Of course, Karma would manage to hurt Ambrose of all people. The only one who consistently made an effort to help them out, and the only one who Karma felt himself being drawn to without meaning. Why did they have to be so cruel?

Amel Wyther | 26 | Male | Demisexual | Leader | Mentions; All

Salen Frez | 25 | Female | Pansexual | Diplomat | Mentions; All, Joliqun!(Ind)

Eni Vizin | 27 | Non-Binary | Demisexual | Mentor | Mentions; All

Illon Elatos | 24 | Non-Binary | Asexual Demiromantic | Inventor | Mentions; All

Agris ‘Blair’ Bairugih | 23 | Male | Gay | Turncoat | Mentions; Amel(Ind), The Others(Even More Ind)

--

“Hell yeah! I might as well be a professional cook now. Food’s ready!”

--

Eni gave a light chuckle at their son’s behavior and returned the quick hug before turning back to the food to help serve it once Agnar got back with the serving supplies. They only slightly doubted that Agni knew what those looked like.

--

Luckily, Agnar did end up knowing what those were and came back pretty quickly. Eni was only a bit relieved. While waiting for everyone to come out of their tents, they started preparing the plates.

*~*~*~*

Salen stepped out of her tent easily taking note of everyone already out of their tents. Karma, Ambrose, Agnar, Eni, Isabella, and Esta. Amel and Illon had yet to make an appearance then. She hoped the two wouldn’t show up at the same time, if only so the meal could pass without the extreme tension that’d been hanging over everyone lately.

--

Taking what she’d observed though, Esta, Karma, and Ambrose had already gotten plates. Agnar was helping Eni with serving. And Isabella seemed to be scanning for her with a slightly distressed look. Did something happen? Salen tried to think of what it could be, Esta had a plate so it couldn’t be about her girlfriend’s (quite frankly) terrible eating habits. But she, herself, certainly hadn’t done anything to warrant concern recently enough to cause such a look. She hummed to herself in thought, making her way over to Bella.

--

“Hello, Isa. Is everything alright?” Her voice was even, face easily in a gentle and placating appearance. Her volume allowed for privacy if Isabella wished for it, and her tone was free of anything that could have possibly been seen as negative. Despite this, she was aware of how hard it made her to decipher. It was the only real downfall, one that almost never was a true problem. In most situations it worked like a charm.

*~*~*~*

Illon distantly heard the meal’s call, and for a second they simply sat. They had to get up, show that they were fine. But really? At this point, who believed that? Who had ever believed that? They could maybe try and start acting like they did when the group first got together, but that’d mean a lot more backtracking… But it also meant they’d be ready for when the group reached the city and they inevitably went back to solitude.

--

They stood, pushing themselves to their feet and ignoring the shakiness they felt. They had to apologize to Ambrose, right? No, then everything they’d said would lose meaning when Illon wasn’t even sure how much it had to begin with. It’d mean that they wanted him there. It meant more pain when he eventually left. No, right now Illon just had to go and act like they used to. Which, in all fairness, wasn’t too different from now. Just… Less talking, less impulse control, less interaction, more listening when people want them to, and more awkwardness. If that was even possible. Yeah. Easy.

--

With that decision made, Illon blinked back the last of their hesitations and left their tent. Upon leaving, they immediately regretted the choice. Though, that definitely wasn’t new. So, they refused to acknowledge it too much. They just had to do what they’d used to do, grab whatever meal it was and then go back into their tent. If they were lucky, no one would bat an eye. Illon expected that result anyway though.

--

They managed, without glancing at where they could see Ambrose out of the corner of their eyes, to go over to where Eni and Agnar were serving food. Illon couldn’t apologize. Not now. It was way too late. And so, they took a plate without a word. Just like when the group first banded together. And went back to their tent.

--

As soon as they were in the confines of it, they heaved a sigh and went to sit down in the middle of their tent. Like they had always done, at first. Illon was fine. This was fine. All this meant was that it wouldn’t be as hard whenever everyone disbanded… They hoped no one cared enough to notice. Illon doubted they would.

--

They finally took a glance at the plate, and realized with slow dawning that they definitely wouldn’t be able to actually eat it without anything reopening. Illon was almost relieved. They were also frustrated. At themself, of course. Illon sat the plate down and looked around the tent instead. Before, they would’ve eaten and worked on some project, or plan, or invention, or weapon, or something. But now the group was on the way back from what Illon would’ve been working on stuff for. So… What was there for them to do? Everyone else was still doing things in their downtime, helpful things. But what could they do? Nothing. Just like with so many other things… Their eyes dropped, and they wondered for the umpteenth time why the group had bothered with getting them out, with saving them, when they were completely useless.

*~*~*~*

Amel stepped from his tent after making sure everything was in its place. Just in time too, apparently, Illon was heading back into their tent. Good riddance. He stepped over and grabbed a plate, nodding towards Eni in the silent appreciation he gave everyone. Well, everyone that listened and helped.

--

He looked at the present group, clearing his throat. “Listen up people, we have a choice. We made good progress today, so we can either rest tomorrow or keep moving. It isn’t too important to me which we do, so I’m letting you guys decide.”

--

Blair rolled his eyes from up in the trees. It wasn’t a lie, at least. But still. It was stupid. He huffed a bit and adjusted his sitting in the tree. He kept an eye on Amel now that he was showing himself, but refrained from anything more. Like Agnar said, if he did anything now then everyone would be against him. Not the family murderer.

“Hello, Isa. Is everything alright?”

Isabella's eyes immediately flickered to Salen and she shook her head, anxiously taking the other girl's hand. "Something's wrong with Star." She stated, her voice soft despite the desperation in her tone.

"I don't know what, but she looked super tired and upset when she came out of her tent, and then, when I asked her what was wrong, she pushed me away. Esta doesn't do that, Sal, you know she doesn't! And she won't tell me what's going on! What am I supposed to do if she won't tell me what's wrong? What if she's hurt? Or I did something wrong and she's mad? Or she's scared of something? Or, or, I don't know! I don't know! What am I supposed to do if I don't know?"

Isabella's bright blue eyes, usually light with a fiery spirit, were now wide and full of helpless despair. It was obvious that she was panicking a little, and, unlike the majority of people surrounding her, Isa wasn't one to hide or downplay her emotions. She wore everything plainly on her sleeve, and she often dragged people with her. Especially considering the fact that she was a naturally emotional person. It was both a strength and a weakness.

---

To most, it was pretty impossible to tell that Esta was upset at all. She sat herself near the fire, smiling in a content, calm way that truly only she could pull off. She even nibbled on the food in front of her, though it was, admittedly, only to please Agnar who was still looking rather proud as he handed out the rest of the food.

On the inside, however, the pain was steadily getting worse.

Esta was becoming more and more aware of the fact that she, along with the rest of the group, would soon be entering a much more populated society that she was now comfortable with. She couldn’t help but grimace as she caught a glance of her reflection on the plate she ate off of.

The simple fact was that she was fat, ugly, and disgusting. Not one could really love her, and that was the truth.

A bubble of self-hatred steadily surrounded the girl, and, though she showed no outward reaction, she was mentally screaming. That was the real reason she and Felicia had broken up was because of this. Because of how utterly unlovable Esta was.

It was the reason they’d broken up and the reason why Salen and Isabella would be so much better off without her. It was why Illon was still struggling, and why they were still hurt.

Because Esta wasn’t good enough.

She couldn’t even do her job properly! How useless was that?!

Biting the inside of her cheek, Esta put her plate down, bile rising in her throat. She couldn’t force herself to eat anymore, it hurt too much.

“Listen up people, we have a choice. We made good progress today, so we can either rest tomorrow or keep moving. It isn’t too important to me which we do, so I’m letting you guys decide.”

The red-head looked up as Amel spoke, silently grateful for the distraction.

“Anything is fine with me!” She replied with a warm smile. “Whatever others want!”

---

Agnar took his own portion (plus an extra) of food as Amel came out, giving Eni a small, innocent smile before handing over the supplies.

“I’d rather go!” He stated, looking at Amel. “I don’t like sitting too long. It makes me jumpy.” He stated seriously.

“Oh, and I can take the night shift again! I don’t mind!” He added, not looking at Eni when he said this, knowing they would probably protest considering their conversation a moment ago. Still, Agnar needed an excuse to get out into the woods, he’d rather give Blair the food while it was still warm. “Or someone else can if they want, either way, I’m gonna take a walk, so… See ya! I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay?” Now he did look over at his parent, giving them a quick smile.

I’m fine, don’t worry! I’ll be back!

And then he was gone, trotting into the trees, making a quick zig-zag pattern that would be relatively hard to follow, and getting a little far enough into the woods so that those in the camp couldn’t hear.

“Hey, Nightstalker! I know you’re here! I brought you some food, it’s fresh! I thought you’d appreciate it because I wasn’t sure how long it’s been since you had something warm to eat. You are here, right? I’m not just talking to trees? That’d be kinda embarrassing.” He smirked at himself, a little nervously. “Sorry if I’m being weird or whatever, I guess it is kind of odd to bring some random person that attacked me in the woods food. Damn, something really is wrong with me! Oh well, whatever, I’m here, so you better take this, because I don’t think I can eat a whole second portion, plus, I had to lie to my parent to get this… Well, kind of… I manipulated them. Well, shit, now I feel worse saying that. Just take the food please!”

---

Ambrose flinched a little when Amel spoke, jumpier than usual as he scanned the camp.

“Oh, um, anything is fine!” He answered softly, eyes falling on Illon across the camp as they made their way back to their tent.

For a moment, the traveler hesitated, but, making up his mind, he shifted and placed his plate down on the ground before quickly following Illon. He simply stood in front of the tent a moment before lightly tapping the flap in warning.

“Hey, Illon... I'm coming in, okay?" Without really waiting for a response, Ambrose entered, pain filling his chest as he looked at his friend (he hoped Illon considered him a friend), and then, without saying a word, he walked over, knelt, and pulled the other into a tight embrace.

"I’m sorry, Illon.” Ambrose breathed, his voice low and shaking slightly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have walked away. I just wanted to help and I… I still walked away, I’m so sorry.”

His hands clung to Illon’s shirt tightly, as though his life depended on it.

Of course, Ambrose felt a bit bad for just coming in, he had definitely just intruded, but he also couldn't help it. He needed to apologize. He needed to help Illon. Somehow.

He wanted the other to understand that he hadn’t meant to hurt them. That he meant it when he said he wasn’t going to leave, he hadn’t walked away because of Illon.

The only one at fault was Ambrose. Not Illon. Never them.

They were hurting and Ambrose hadn’t done anything. It was his fault alone.

---

Karma’s eyes followed Ambrose as the traveler hurriedly walked over to Illon's tent, disappearing inside. A spike of pain shot through Karma’s chest and they pursed their lips. They were just being selfish.

“It doesn’t matter whatever we do, does it?” Karma growled, forcing their eyes away from Ambrose and Illon, glaring at Amel with their usual sour gaze. “It’s all the same in the end.”

Just like everything else. It never mattered what you did in a short period of time, in the end, you would still be forgotten. Your body would still decompose, and there would be nothing left of you. Only ashes after death.

Amel Wyther | 26 | Male | Demisexual | Leader | Mentions; All

Salen Frez | 25 | Female | Pansexual | Diplomat | Mentions; All, Joliqun!(Ind)

Eni Vizin | 27 | Non-Binary | Demisexual | Mentor | Mentions; All

Illon Elatos | 24 | Non-Binary | Asexual Demiromantic | Inventor | Mentions; All

Agris ‘Blair’ Bairugih | 23 | Male | Gay | Turncoat | Mentions; Amel(Ind), The Others(Even More Ind)

--

“Something's wrong with Star. I don't know what, but she looked super tired and upset when she came out of her tent, and then, when I asked her what was wrong, she pushed me away. Esta doesn't do that, Sal, you know she doesn't! And she won't tell me what's going on! What am I supposed to do if she won't tell me what's wrong? What if she's hurt? Or I did something wrong and she's mad? Or she's scared of something? Or, or, I don't know! I don't know! What am I supposed to do if I don't know?”

--

Salen hummed lightly, taking a glance at Esta. Now, she took a moment to read her girlfriend’s features more carefully. A content, calm smile on her face. But her eyes had bags underneath them, a slight tinge of red that couldn’t’ve been from anything except crying, and the smile didn’t reach them. To most, little details like this meant nothing. But to politicians like Salen, Joliqun, and all the rest back in the city? Their jobs were to read people’s body language, hear their words, read their writings; and decipher them, pick out the tiniest details and figure out what they meant. And Salen was one of the best. The best out of her team.

--

Esta’s face? It was an obvious mask for some kind of emotional pain… She caught a grimace for a fraction of a second while Esta was looking at the plate. Salen paused for a moment, her own face devoid of emotion. And Salen looked at Isabella, speaking in the same tone she had last spoken in. “You didn’t do anything, Isabella. Esta’s probably antsy about going back to the city and her nerves are starting to manifest in the habits we’ve already seen.”

--

And despite everything, despite how much Salen wanted to tell the complete truth… Old habits die hard, and she was a politician at heart. So, her words were perhaps downplaying the situation. It was in her nature, and besides- Esta didn’t want them to know for a reason, otherwise the mask wouldn’t exist. So, obviously, Salen couldn’t tell Isabella everything she’d figured out. Right?

--

“Listen up people, we have a choice. We made good progress today, so we can either rest tomorrow or keep moving. It isn’t too important to me which we do, so I’m letting you guys decide.”

--

Salen was almost glad for the distraction from her morals, so she looked over at Amel. “I’m alright with either, truth be told.”

--

“Anything is fine with me! Whatever others want!”

--

“I’d rather go! I don’t like sitting too long. It makes me jumpy. Oh, and I can take the night shift again! I don’t mind!”

--

Eni looked over at their son, about to protest when he continued.

--

“Or someone else can if they want, either way, I’m gonna take a walk, so… See ya! I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay?” And Agnar looked at them, with a smile that said he’d be fine. That he’d be back.

--

Blair watched as Agnar ran out into the trees with a meal, scoffing a bit. It was probably for him. He’d go once he knew what the group would be doing. He needed to be ready to go tomorrow if they left, after all.

--

Eni sighed, rolling their eyes before looking back at Amel, “I don’t really mind what we do tomorrow, probably just go ahead and go though. Since we didn’t really unpack for a whole extra day camping here.”

--

“Oh, um, anything is fine!”

--

Amel watched as Ambrose made his way to Illon’s tent, and rolled his eyes. It was almost sad that Ambrose kept trying with them, he could’ve done so much better. At Karma’s tone, he glanced back over to the group.

--

“It doesn’t matter whatever we do, does it? It’s all the same in the end.”

--

Amel nodded, choosing to ignore the depressing tone of voice. “Right then, since no one cares other than Eni and Agnar, we’ll start moving again tomorrow. If an opinion changes, and the majority moves to staying by tomorrow morning then we can break here.”

--

With that, Blair started moving in the direction Agnar had taken off in. Good enough for him. He’d wake up early tomorrow morning and keep following them.

*~*~*~*

“Hey, Illon... I'm coming in, okay?”

--

Illon tensed as soon as they heard the words. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go. No one was supposed to care, no one was supposed to come and check on them, and Ambrose wasn’t supposed to be coming back. No one ever came back.

--

They still looked over slowly as Ambrose walked into the tent, hoping their confusion didn’t show too much in their eyes. Illon watched as Ambrose came over and knelt and- Illon tensed, unsure of what to do when he started hugging them.

--

“I’m sorry, Illon. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have walked away. I just wanted to help and I… I still walked away, I’m so sorry.”

--

Illon didn’t cry. Illon didn’t really react much at all. Just looked at Ambrose in confusion, in shock. The bubble was tight, but it wasn’t crushing them. No, the guilt was. Because it wasn’t Ambrose’s fault. It was theirs, they’d pushed him to leave after all.

--

There was a pit at the bottom of their stomach, and it was slowly growing. Growing in a way Illon recognized and hated. Because as they sat there, unsure of how to comfort Ambrose- Their guilt and self-loathing was twisting in a way that was always quick to lash out at everyone else. Because Illon didn’t deserve to have anyone to begin with, and anyone they somehow managed to keep around for any amount of time was going to get pushed and pushed away until they had to leave. Because Illon was unstable.

--

They didn’t want to have another outlash, they didn’t want to hurt Ambrose more, didn’t want to push him away… But it would be better, right? Because he’d leave eventually. Whether because the team disbands once they’re at the city and without them all around Illon is just Illon, or because Ambrose travels and he’d just stop visiting eventually, or because of something else… It’d be better to push everyone away now, go back to how they were before, prepare for the paralyzing loneliness ahead of time.

--

And their gut twisted, the dark pit growing, and it took everything in them to not push Ambrose away physically. And just like that, the dark pit twisted and pushed in a way that left Illon slumping against the traveler. Their voice was quiet, like a collapsing sigh escaping their throat, their eyelids drooped as if being pulled down by invisible weights. They still didn’t cry, weren’t even close to doing so. “S’not that important, ‘rose. I’m sorry for callin’ you selfish. I didn’t mean it.”

*~*~*~*

Blair found Agnar fairly quickly, and followed easily from there. By the time Agnar stopped, Blair was chilling in a tree pretty close by.

--

“Hey, Nightstalker! I know you’re here! I brought you some food, it’s fresh! I thought you’d appreciate it because I wasn’t sure how long it’s been since you had something warm to eat. You are here, right? I’m not just talking to trees? That’d be kinda embarrassing.”

--

Blair rolled his eyes, huffing a bit. That nickname was starting to really get on his nerves, especially since Agnar was using it with no idea how much it prickled his skin. How much it made his stomach churn. Not like he’d tell him though, and especially wouldn’t tell him why.

--

“Sorry if I’m being weird or whatever, I guess it is kind of odd to bring some random person that attacked me in the woods food. Damn, something really is wrong with me! Oh well, whatever, I’m here, so you better take this, because I don’t think I can eat a whole second portion, plus, I had to lie to my parent to get this… Well, kind of… I manipulated them. Well, shit, now I feel worse saying that. Just take the food please!”

--

Blair gave a scoffing laugh, and spoke from the tree branch he was laying on. “I didn’t, like, attack you. You’d be dead if I did that. I just intercepted you. But nah, not too weird. Kind of how I ended up joining the damn gang your lot killed, anyways.”

--

He made his way down the tree, and then leaned against it for a moment, he’d ended up tying the feather by the thin end of it onto his “So it’s been decided that you’ll be on the move again tomorrow, unless somethin’ happens. By the way, for the misfit gang you have and what you’ve all experienced together- You’d think you’d all be better at gettin’ along and helpin’ each other. What’s up with all the lying everyone’s doin’ about their emotional and mental state? Like seriously, you guys are so… Bad at tellin’ each other how you’re all doin’. I’d been watchin’ since you guys got to the clearin’, and like- There’s been at least six of you actin’ as if bein’ honest ‘bout that stuff isn’t a good idea.”

Amel Wyther | 26 | Male | Demisexual | Leader | Mentions; All

Salen Frez | 25 | Female | Pansexual | Diplomat | Mentions; All, Joliqun!(Ind)

Eni Vizin | 27 | Non-Binary | Demisexual | Mentor | Mentions; All

Illon Elatos | 24 | Non-Binary | Asexual Demiromantic | Inventor | Mentions; All

Agris ‘Blair’ Bairugih | 23 | Male | Gay | Turncoat | Mentions; Agnar(Dir), Amel(Ind), The Others(Even More Ind)

--

“So what do we do? I hate seeing her like this. She shouldn't have to feel like that. No one should.”

--

Salen glanced at Esta again and then back at Isabella, sighing lightly but her tone staying calm and collected. “Other than being there for her? Not much, honestly. We can’t force her to tell us anything, Bella. We can just offer our support, help with what we do know how to help with, and hope she tells us on her own.”

*~*~*~*

Illon couldn’t find it in them to really look at Ambrose when he pulled away, keeping his hands on their shoulders. It was odd, the entire situation. Illon’s gut twisted, squeezing them and making it hard to breathe. They weren’t sure what to do. They were sure that if they spoke, they’d end up pushing Ambrose away. They didn’t want that.

--

“No, no, I know you didn't. It's okay, I'm not mad at you. I just... It is a big deal. I promised something and then immediately did the opposite. I'm sorry for that. I meant it though, El. I don't plan on leaving you, you know that, right?”

--

Illon wished they could say that they did immediately, wished they could say it and mean it. Or at least say it and no one be none the wiser. Not too strange though, the world didn’t seem to care about whatever their answer may have been. A knock sounded at the flap of the tent, with a hesitant, “Um. Can I come in?”

--

…Karma? Illon definitely hadn’t been expecting them. Even with the whole conversation they managed to have earlier with them. The bubble tightened, squeezed them worse than the twisting pit in their gut.

--

Ambrose should just go to Karma; stay with Karma. Not them. Never them. Obviously Karma didn’t actually want to come in here, that would be two people too many that wanted to come in here to check on them, after all. Ambrose probably only came in here due to guilt, due to pity. Even though it was Illon who should’ve gone and found him, who should’ve went and apologized to him. They were a coward though, a useless coward that couldn’t even apologize correctly. Ambrose should’ve left, should’ve left for good. It would’ve been better that way.

--

The pit in their stomach was starting to turn to nausea, their throat tight and breathing getting harder to accomplish… They really were worthless. Couldn’t even keep themself from breaking in front of Ambrose, who was- Who was…

--

Who was looking at them, eyes questioning and a faint smile. Waiting for them to answer Karma. Who was still waiting for an answer. Waiting for an answer that Illon couldn’t get out through the tightness in their throat. Whether that be the bubble or just the growing, sinking pit- Illon wasn’t sure.

--

But they had to answer! Both of them were waiting for an answer, waiting for Illon to stop letting them down. They didn’t want to let the two down. They didn’t want to be the deciding factor. Ambrose obviously wanted them to say that Karma could enter, Karma wanted to enter. For some reason. Probably for Ambrose. Besides though, the two had agreed on honesty, right? Letting them in would count under that. Right?

--

They still couldn’t push anything out. They could feel Ambrose’s eyes on them, knew that Karma must’ve been getting anxious and upset and impatient and oh, so disappointed- But they couldn’t say anything. They needed to. They needed to answer, they needed to say something- Anything. The two deserved an answer. Everything was tight, everything was blurry, everything was quiet, everything was loud, everything was too much and yet not enough(they were never enough) at the same time, their right hand’s index and middle finger jerked and they clenched that hand, forcing their eyes closed and taking a deep breath through their nose.

--

They did this because a singular thought came through. One that didn’t berate them. One that was connected to a memory that didn’t hurt but one that helped. ‘Panic attack.’ They were on the verge of having a full blown panic attack. One bad enough to cause an old tic to resurface, apparently. It’d shown up earlier today too, so it’d been coming. They held the breath they’d just taken. They opened their eyes slowly, not looking at Ambrose’s face. They knew better than to do that. They just had to focus. Focus on breathing. They released the breath through their nose. Focus on slowly unclenching their right hand. Flex their fingers. Take extra time flexing the index and middle fingers. Close their eyes again. Take another deep breath through their nose and hold it. Everything was fine. They were in control of the situation. Everything was steady. Open their eyes slowly. Flex their right hand’s fingers again. Release the breath through their nose.

--

Slowly look at Ambrose. Don’t try speaking unless they’re not at risk of restarting an attack. Use a non-verbal instead. Repeat the breathing while doing so. Illon nodded, hoping they weren’t too late in answering Karma. After a few more deep breaths, they clarified. “K-Karma can come in.” A slight stutter. It was fine. They were fine.

*~*~*~*

Blair saw as Agnar’s smile dropped, expression dark as he handed Blair the meal. Immediately, he made sure his lie detector was on, keeping a keen eye on the younger man’s outline.

--

“That's a little... Outside of your right to know, don't ya think?” A fake laugh. “Just because we've been through shit together doesn't mean we have to trust each other. Some of us get along better than others. Some of us don't get along. And some of us have plenty of reason to mistrust the others. And mental health isn't easy to talk about, even when you do trust someone. Especially when the people you've told in the past fuck it up more with their reactions. My parent's the only one I really trust with that shit, and maybe our healer.”

--

Blair tried his hardest not to roll his eyes, and actually succeeded. Agnar hadn’t lied yet, at least. But honestly… If two out of the three who proclaimed love to each other, and meant it, weren’t able to be honest to the other two and neither of them realized? Kind of odd, in his opinion. The diplomat, healer, Agnar, skeptic, traveler, and inventor. Literally. That was six people who, for the most part, got along and trusted one another and not a single one of them was talking and being honest with any of the others. Except for Agnar, who spoke to his parent, or who he guessed was his parent, but even then! Not everything had been true! His makeshift family never- Blair shut down that train of thought before it(he refused to use the word grief, he wasn’t grieving. He wasn’t. He’d gotten a few days before starting to follow them. He wasn’t grieving) showed on his face.

--

“Being honest about that stuff isn't a good idea. It can hurt others, drag them down. Why would I- Why would anyone do that when they can support people instead. When the others are better off without having to walk on eggshells to keep from affecting whoever's hurting? What's trust for anyway? It only ever gets broken.”

--

Blair couldn’t really argue with that. Trust was broken a lot, but the group was supposed to be… Well, at least some kind of dysfunctional family. All groups that didn’t fall apart immediately were.

--

“Why the hell am I even telling you this? I don't… This is stupid. Just eat for fucks sake so I can take the plate and leave.”

--

Obviously, Agnar wasn’t doing so well. Bad headspace after the conversation, or rant, probably. Blair wasn’t really one to try and help people, to try and comfort people. Not since… Well… Them… And even then, he’d never been good at it. He knew the basics though, that responding to people that didn’t want to be vulnerable but needed to be by being vulnerable with them was usually a good start. Empathizing. Great.

--

Blair scowled at himself, not wanting to believe he was about to do this. Scoffing and rolling his eyes before growling towards himself and then clearing his throat. Talk. Talk to Agnar. Explain, maybe.

--

He took a breath, huffed, cleared his throat, huffed again, took another breath. Damn, he was bad at this. He ran a hand through his hair, and then tsked at himself. Then, he sighed, took a final breath, and looked at Agnar.

--

“Look, dude. I didn’t mean it like that. Honestly, wasn’t really tryin’ to learn ‘bout that shit. But I had my lie detecting ability on and kinda just kept it on for whenever Amel spoke. Can’t trust a word that piece of shit says. I never said that you had to trust any of them, I was just surprised that you guys hadn’t figured out how to treat each other yet. Most groups that make it as far as you guys usually, like, have a dysfunctional family like relationship with each other. I was just especially surprised since two out of three of the now lovers weren’t even talkin’ to each other honestly ‘bout anythin’.”

--

He glanced at the trees, taking a breath. “I get that mental health ain’t easy to speak on. I guess I just got used to how my… My, uhm…” He trailed, eyes glazing, he bit his tongue. He forced himself forward, through the scab. “…My dysfunctional family… treated it and all. We had a strict lying policy, the six of us. We, uh, had nightly discussions on how we were doing. We knew the ways that each other lied, knew the tells and signs, or I shot a glance when I had my ability on and that’d be that. If someone lied, we’d hold a stake out, basically, until the person gave in and told the truth… We got matching tattoos, other than just the viper one. We were, uhm… We are-”

--

Blair cursed under his breath, scoffing at himself, and fixed the mistake, emphasizing the fix. To remind himself. “We were close, though. We trusted each other. Your’s is different, I get that. I was just surprised since I wasn’t used to it, is all. Didn’t mean to, uhm, hurt your feelings…” Blair huffed, realizing how he sounded. Soft. Sad. Quiet. Gentle. Grief. He forced a scowl, rolling his eyes, adding a little, “…Or whatever it is.”

"Other than being there for her? Not much, honestly. We can't force her to tell us anything, Bella. We can just offer our support, help with what we do know how to help with, and hopes she tells us on her own."

Isabella nodded slowly, chewing the inside of her cheek. It wasn't really the advice she wanted, but it was logical. "Okay, so smother her with love." She stated, coming to the conclusion that that was the only option. Of course, that meant dragging Salen into it too, so she pulled Sal into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Sal!" She stated happily, decidedly shifting her previously anxious expression to a determined, affectionate one. She may not know the best way to help Esta with her mental struggles yet (though she would figure it out), but she did know how to show affection to both of her girlfriends, and she was certainly going to do so.

Even when they acted fine. Bella was fully aware that neither Salen nor Esta wore their emotions as openly as she did, so, even if she couldn't yet determine when they felt particularly down, she told herself that she would constantly remind them how much she loved and cared for them both.

"And you can always talk to me, okay?" She pulled away from the hug and took one of Salen's hands in her own. "Now let's go make sure Star knows she can do the same!"

And with that, both girls were walking (well, walking is a loose term-) to where Esta was seated, and Isa practically pounced on the ginger-haired girl once they reached her, pulling Sal down with her. "Hey, beautiful!"

Esta squealed in surprise as an arm was thrown (relatively forcefully) over her shoulder and her two girlfriends were suddenly beside (and partially on top of) her.

"Isa!" She protested, laughing a little at the taller girl's expression. "Don't do that! Are you alright, Sal?"

Isabella chuckled a little, deciding it was probably best to let the others get situated before declaring her absolute love and adoration for the second time that day.

---

Illon took a while to respond and Ambrose waited patiently, aware of the struggle that it could be to get a few words out. He didn't want to stress out Illon more by pressuring them.

His mind continued to run in circles, but Amrose determinedly ignored it. He needed to focus on Illon and Karma right now, his own struggles could wait. These two were more important.

"K-Karma can come in."

The traveler nodded and smiled in what he hoped was an encouraging way. Also hoping that his own anxiety didn't shine through.

"Come in, Karma."

Amrose raised his voice slightly, but kept it gentle and steady, his eyes remained on Illon until the flap was pulled open and Karma entered, letting the flap fall behind them and standing rather awkwardly to the side.

"Uh... Sorry."

The traveler finally looked over when they spoke, finding Karma fidgeting with there jacket sleeves and staring at the floor.

"That's fine, Karma. Do you need anything?"

They shook their head, dark eyes sweeping the tent before landing uncertainty on Illon.

"Um, well... I didn't mean to..." They swallowed nervously. Their voice quieter than usual and not as straightforward. As if they themselves weren't sure what they wanted or needed. "Sorry to intrude." They said finally, shifting back to the flap.

"Karma, it's okay." Ambrose stated again, lightly patting the ground next to him. "You can sit if you want? And if there's something you want? Or need?"

Again, the skeptic hesitated before walking over and slowly, carefully, taking a seat, staring at their fidgeting hands.

The traveler sighed softly, sitting back and trying to think clearly. It was obvious that no one here was comfortable. Illon looked like they were on the verge of a panic attack, Ambrose himself almost had a panic attack, and Karma looked like they wanted to get up and run.

The silence was tense and Karma started fidgeting even more as it stretched. Ambrose searched for something to say, or do, that would ease the tension, but he couldn't seem to find anything. With his emotions so hightened right now, singing was definitly not a good idea, he didn't want to accedentally make something worse.

After a long moment, he finally decided that it was getting too much and he had to say something before all three of them broke down.

"Well... I think you both need to know that I'm more than happy to listen if you ever want to talk to me. If not, that's completely okay too! I won't force you to do anything you aren't comfortable with, I promise. And if you just want some company, or some music, I can provide that as well! Or even just a hug." He smiled slightly at both of them. "I know... None of this is easy. Or fair. Life isn't fair in the slightest. I... I truly wish that I could have prevented everything that happened to both of you before it did, but... I know I probably couln't have, even if I tried."

His eyes and smile were incredibly sad, but also genuine. "I don't expect either of you to trust me right now, maybe not ever, and... That's okay. I don't expect that of you, and I don't want you to think that I do. I only want you to be comfortable, and I hope that you understand that you aren't alone." The traveler reached out, gently taking one of each of their hands, noticing that both were tense, and both were scarred. "Neither of you. I know how lonely it can feel, I know how hard it can be to reach out, but... If you ever need anything from me, anything at all, know that I will do whatever I can to to provide whatever you need. And if I ever do something that makes you uncomfortable or something, don't be afraid to tell me! Or even yell at me! I promise I won't be mad, okay?"

He hesitated, realizing that Karma's hand had tightened slightly in his own, and though they were still looking down, they had gone almost completely still. Listening.

"Also, I don't expect either of you to be perfect, or expectionally great or execptionally smart. I don't expect you to... to be able to do everything or answer every question asked, I don't expect you to always make right, or even good decisions, and that's completely okay. I don't know what others have told you, but I know that you're human. You're going to make mistakes. That's okay. I make them all the time."

Ambrose smiled slightly and took a breath, his hands had started shaking a little again, but this time, he didn't let go. Karma's eyes shifted up to him, locking onto the travlers face and staying their. There was so much emotion in there eyes, but Ambrose couldn't quite identify any one thing at all, so he just continued, hoping his voice didn't break. Hoping that they both understood that his every word was the truth. That he cared.

"You're human and you have every right to be treated as such. I'm sorry, because I know that people are cruel, and the world is a terrible place, but... but it can also be beautiful. And there are beautiful people in this world too. You don't have to believe me, you don't even have to listen to me, but I hope you know that your emotions, no matter how terrible, are valid. And, really, if you ever need anything at all, please let me know. I know I can't solve all of your problems. I know I can't save you from everything that's happened to you. I know I can't always protect you, but, if you'll let me, I'd like to help you fight your battles. I care about you both, really. A lot. I know it may be hard to believe, but it's true. And... I'll continue to try to help you understand that in the best way that I can. I can't promise I'll always be able to be right by your side, but I can promise that I'll always come back. I won't leave for good. I'll stay, as long as you let me."

---

“Look, dude. I didn’t mean it like that. Honestly, wasn’t really tryin’ to learn ‘bout that shit. But I had my lie detecting ability on and kinda just kept it on for whenever Amel spoke. Can’t trust a word that piece of shit says. I never said that you had to trust any of them, I was just surprised that you guys hadn’t figured out how to treat each other yet. Most groups that make it as far as you guys usually, like, have a dysfunctional family like relationship with each other. I was just especially surprised since two out of three of the now lovers weren’t even talkin’ to each other honestly ‘bout anythin’.”

Agnar chewed his bottom lip, not making eye contact with Blair as he spoke, trying to hold in his emotions.

“I get that mental health ain’t easy to speak on. I guess I just got used to how my… My, uhm… …My dysfunctional family… treated it and all. We had a strict lying policy, the six of us. We, uh, had nightly discussions on how we were doing. We knew the ways that each other lied, knew the tells and signs, or I shot a glance when I had my ability on and that’d be that. If someone lied, we’d hold a stake out, basically, until the person gave in and told the truth… We got matching tattoos, other than just the viper one. We were, uhm… We are- We were close, though. We trusted each other. Your’s is different, I get that. I was just surprised since I wasn’t used to it, is all. Didn’t mean to, uhm, hurt your feelings… Or whatever it is.”

And anything resembling anger disappeared from Agnar's gaze immediatly, his guard dropping again. The sadness and hurt were still there, but it was different, softer.

"That sounds... nice."

He took a breath and looked away again, shuffling his feet a little.

"You didn't hurt my feelings really, I just... I guess it's kinda a touchy subject. I'm sorry I snapped at you." The ranger sighed softly, a small smile tugging on the corner of his lips. "I guess you weren't completely wrong, we are... We are kinda like a family, I guess. Though, definitly a really disfunctional one. Y'know, I never had anything like it before. I never had anyone until Eni took me in. It's just..." Another shaky breath. "It's just that, even if we want to be close, it kind of feels like we can't. Or, at leat, that's how I feel. I'm so scared of hurting everyone, of letting them down, and, I guess, of them hurting me. Even though I really really want to be a... a family... I don't know how."

Agnar clenched his fists, still staring at the ground. "I don't know how to talk to them. I don't... I don't even know what a family really is. I've never had one, never had anything even resembling one, the closest I've come is seeing them in movies." He shrugged, seeming almost helpless. "I don't know what it means. Am I supposed to be able to talk to them that openly? Am I supposed to just expect them to listen? Am I supposed to just... I don't know. What am I supposed to do? What are they supposed to do? What is a family?"

The rangers body started shaking slightly and he refused to look up as tears started rising in his eyes.

"I don't- I don't know. And, if I don't know, how am I supposed to create one? I'm trying. I really am, but I just don't understand how any of it is supposed to work! Family, love, care, affection, trust?! I don't know what any of that shit even is! The closest I ever got was a pat on the back and a lollypop from a teacher because I was working so hard. From what I've learned, love and care is earned, not given. I work hard and I get rewarded for it. Is that what it is? Because that's what it feels like."

Agnar swallowed hard, shoulders slumping and voice truning very very soft as the first tears started to fall. He looked, and felt, completely and utterly helpless.

"I just... I don't know."

Amel Wyther | 26 | Male | Demisexual | Leader | Mentions; All

Salen Frez | 25 | Female | Pansexual | Diplomat | Mentions; All, Joliqun!(Ind)

Eni Vizin | 27 | Non-Binary | Demisexual | Mentor | Mentions; All

Illon Elatos | 24 | Non-Binary | Asexual Demiromantic | Inventor | Mentions; All

Agris ‘Blair’ Bairugih | 23 | Male | Gay | Turncoat | Mentions; Agnar(Dir), Amel(Ind), The Others(Even More Ind)

--

“Okay, so smother her with love.”

--

Salen was about to respond when she was pulled into a tight hug and kissed on the forehead. At which point she simply let out a small, soft chuckle.

--

“I love you, Sal! And you can always talk to me, okay? Now let's go make sure Star knows she can do the same!”

--

Salen smiled, and nodded. The idea to simply make Esta promise to tell them everything was tempting, but she knew better. Vows such as those were never the right option, especially for lovers where it would do nothing but show they didn’t trust one another.

--

Thus, Sal was pretty much decided upon not doing that. And instead, in allowing Isabella to drag her over to Esta with a, “Hey, beautiful!” and before she knew it, Salen was pulled down onto the ground and partially on top of her two girlfriends.

--

“Isa! Don't do that! Are you alright, Sal?”

--

Salen smiled, and shifted to a more comfortable position, leaning her head against Esta’s shoulder. “I’m quite alright, Star. How are you doing though, Cosmic Goddess of ours?”

*~*~*~*

Illon was honestly tempted to take it back as soon as Ambrose smiled at them and nodded. As if their whole little episode didn’t disappoint him. But taking another deep breath kept them afloat for now, so it was fine. It would be fine. Karma shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of their own actions.

--

“Come in, Karma.”

--

At least Ambrose knew to say it out loud for them. Illon was certain they couldn’t have pushed out more than the whisper they had used to tell Ambrose. Honestly, they were almost surprised they’d even managed that.

--

Illon forced their eyes to the opening whenever the flap opened, Karma stepping inside and looking about as anxious as they felt. They held back a grimace towards themself, they didn’t want either of them thinking it was aimed towards them instead. That would just be rude, and Illon was done being rude.

--

“Uh... Sorry.”

--

And Illon wished the bubble wasn’t so tight, wished that they could’ve screamed and said they had nothing to apologize for.

--

“That's fine, Karma. Do you need anything?”

--

And Karma’s eyes landed on them, ruining any chance they had of pushing past the bubble as they could just feel themself trying to shrink under their hesitant gaze.

--

“Um, well... I didn't mean to… Sorry to intrude.”

--

Karma was about to leave. And regardless of the bubble, regardless of everything- Illon didn’t want them to leave. But was that really anything new? Illon never wanted anyone to leave. In fact- Illon was sure that if it was Amel instead of Karma standing there, about to leave, Illon still would’ve preferred for them to stay. But it didn’t matter what Illon wanted. Obviously. It never had before, why would it now. They took another deep breath.

--

“Karma, it's okay. You can sit if you want? And if there's something you want? Or need?”

--

And Illon hoped the relief showed on their face, so that Karma wouldn’t think it was only Ambrose who wanted that. They decided it probably did, given how Karma hesitantly came and sat down. Only, no one said anything after that. Silence. And silence meant they could think. And thinking was usually bad. Especially for them.

--

But they couldn’t break the silence, not with the bubble as tight as it were, not with how they were already trying hard not to fidget. Their shoulders felt tense and heavy, and wound and tight, and Illon wasn’t sure if they’d always been that way or if it was new. Which didn’t make sense, because how wouldn’t they have noticed it? But it was also oddly familiar in a way that said that Illon wasn’t even sure if they knew how to have them any other way.

--

Illon wished somebody would just speak about anything. Literally anything. Anything had to be better than this tense silence. They’d be dealing with it enough when they got back to the city. Did it really have to start now? They didn’t want it to. It was too much. Illon wished they could just say something. But the bubble and returning pit in their gut was really making it hard to do that. Or even think about doing that.

--

And suddenly, Ambrose’s voice almost made them jump. It was definitely too sudden. Give some warning, please. But still better than the silence, right?

--

“Well... I think you both need to know that I'm more than happy to listen if you ever want to talk to me. If not, that's completely okay too! I won't force you to do anything you aren't comfortable with, I promise. And if you just want some company, or some music, I can provide that as well! Or even just a hug. I know... None of this is easy. Or fair. Life isn't fair in the slightest. I... I truly wish that I could have prevented everything that happened to both of you before it did, but... I know I probably couldn't have, even if I tried.”

--

Actually. This may be worse than the silence. Ambrose’s sad eyes and smile were a lot to take in. And the words themselves… Why couldn’t he have just chosen a completely unrelated topic to everything that was happening? Why couldn’t he at least pretend that everything was fine and normal and okay?!

--

“I don't expect either of you to trust me right now, maybe not ever, and... That's okay. I don't expect that of you, and I don't want you to think that I do. I only want you to be comfortable, and I hope that you understand that you aren't alone.”

--

Illon’s hand was grabbed, gently, and they tensed. Tensed because none of this made sense, but all of it made sense, and Illon wished that it didn’t make sense. But the universe didn’t like them, so of course it did. And they hated it. They wanted to tear away their hands, to get away, to start a different conversation- One that didn’t edge too close to everything and nothing at the same time. Of course, their body wasn’t complying. The sinking pit in their stomach was enough to explain why.

--

“Neither of you. I know how lonely it can feel, I know how hard it can be to reach out, but... If you ever need anything from me, anything at all, know that I will do whatever I can to provide whatever you need. And if I ever do something that makes you uncomfortable or something, don't be afraid to tell me! Or even yell at me! I promise I won't be mad, okay?”

--

A pause, a hesitation. Illon tried opening their mouth, tried to change the subject- Nothing came out, nothing moved. The bubble tightened and all they could do was focus on breathing. And listen. Whether they wanted to or not. At least Ambrose wouldn’t mention anything that hit too close to home- Right? It would be impossible for him to know. Right?

--

“Also, I don't expect either of you to be perfect, or exceptionally great or exceptionally smart. I don't expect you to... to be able to do everything or answer every question asked, I don't expect you to always make right, or even good decisions, and that's completely okay. I don't know what others have told you, but I know that you're human. You're going to make mistakes. That's okay. I make them all the time.”

--

And immediately Illon just had to be proven wrong. Thanks a lot! Their eyes bolted around the tent. Anywhere but Ambrose. There was too much. And there was so much they could’ve said in reply. So much that would’ve had the two leaving and never returning. And at this point Illon wasn’t sure what they’d prefer.

--

“You're human and you have every right to be treated as such. I'm sorry, because I know that people are cruel, and the world is a terrible place, but... but it can also be beautiful. And there are beautiful people in this world too. You don't have to believe me, you don't even have to listen to me, but I hope you know that your emotions, no matter how terrible, are valid. And, really, if you ever need anything at all, please let me know. I know I can't solve all of your problems. I know I can't save you from everything that's happened to you. I know I can't always protect you, but, if you'll let me, I'd like to help you fight your battles. I care about you both, really. A lot. I know it may be hard to believe, but it's true. And... I'll continue to try to help you understand that in the best way that I can. I can't promise I'll always be able to be right by your side, but I can promise that I'll always come back. I won't leave for good. I'll stay, as long as you let me.”

--

And that, that was like a slap to the face. A whole slap to the face that shook the bubble and left an angry feeling behind where the pit had once been instead. They weren’t sure which was better. They didn’t really care about that at the moment though. Because the only thoughts in their mind weren’t focused on that. No, instead, they were focused on ripping their hand away from Ambrose’s. In standing, stepping away. In glaring, and in speaking.

--

In speaking words they should never speak, with conviction and anger they should never have or use. In spitting them out like poison they never should’ve had. “Then leave. If you know you can’t even help by just being there, then leave. I don’t want your pity. Maybe Karma does, but I don’t. I don’t need it. I get enough of it from everyone else. So unless you have something that’s actually helpful to offer, just leave. I’ve dealt with being by myself for plenty, that isn’t going to change just because of some stupid, insignificant, tiny excuse! I don’t need you, and even if I did, it’s only because I failed figuring it out on my own the first fifty times! Oh, oh- And that whole meaningless spiel on not expecting shit from us? Fuck off! I’m plenty capable of answering anything you ask! Don’t just undermine my intelligence because you think- What? That I’m fragile?! I’m not! Or what, did you forget that I have Agnar fucking tied for kills!? Seriously! If you’re not even gonna acknowledge the stuff I am capable of then you’re just as bad as the ones with insanely high standards! Only instead of actually believing in me to the point of thinking those standards aren’t high, you can’t even be bothered to believe I can do the simplest of shit! What’s next, huh? Gonna tell me that I don’t even know what two plus two is!?”

--

Illon could feel tears, they ignored them in favor of targeting them instead with their words. After all, that was probably good enough on the insulting themself front. Especially when they could always go back to it later. They had to keep going before they lost their nerve, though given that their voice had only managed to rise during that, they were pretty sure they had plenty of fuel left. But they didn’t want either of them trying to interrupt them. Not yet.

--

So, they held up a hand to stop any interruptions, “No! I’m not done yet! You can act all high and mighty all you want but again you came in here because you felt like shit! Not because of how I felt! Not because of how Karma felt! But because you felt terrible and you rely solely on ‘helping others’, which you can’t even do right apparently, to make yourself feel better! If you didn’t feel bad, would you have still come in here!? No! And I know that’s true because that’s how it used to be! I would feel like shit and no one would come in here except sometimes Esta! And we all know she won’t be doing that anymore ever again! Not when she has two amazing girlfriends that are just way better than me that need her, and probably need her more!”

--

They were shaking. They weren’t sure if it was because of anger or because of the crying, but they were shaking. They didn’t take their eyes off of the two though. And they definitely weren’t planning on stopping.

--

“But that’s beside the fucking point, right!? Because honestly, who cares about that! I knew what would happen! I knew from day one when Esta first told me she had feelings for the two! And then I helped her try and get them in any way someone as useless as me possibly could! But what did you do Ambrose?! Since you oh so love to help people?! Oh, wait, that’s right! Nothing! Because you only help people when you want to feel better about yourself! You only help people when you feel terrible because it means at least the person you helped may not think of you the way you think of yourself! Like you’re a worthless piece of shit that only does things for personal gain! Well, guess what!? I’m not falling for it! I’m not gonna have it! You wanna help so badly!? Then get the fuck outta my life! Or better yet, end it for me! That would be helpful! But oh wait, that’s right! You’re a fucking coward! Both of you are! You’d rather let me suffer through life than just get rid of the pain at the source! You’d rather talk to me and tell me that it’ll change and that I have people that care about me- As if I didn’t already know that! But here’s the thing, I don’t give a shit! Let me drag everyone down with my death, at least that’s not as long term as me dragging them down with me being alive! Being dead would be better for everyone! But, no, of course, you’re going to refuse me that! Aren’t you!? Because that’s how people fucking react! Because everyone’s too much of spineless cowards and selfish dicks to actually help people!”

--

Okay, so maybe this was starting to even get out of their hands. Keeping a grip on the conversation was definitely hard and that last bit was honestly not something they’d been trying to say. Admitting to Karma that they weren’t exactly the most stable when it came to willpower to keep going was one thing, anyone could see they dealt with it too. But Ambrose!? Admitting it to Ambrose was just a terrible idea! Just like admitting it to Ben had been a terrible idea! At least Illon knew for a fact at this point that the two would be leaving. Or maybe they’d actually heed their wish and kill them. That would work too. Luckily, the next word they tried to push out ended up cracking, so they assumed that maybe they should stop talking before they ended up collapsing on the floor. They were shaking pretty badly. And if they fell then it would take away some of the meaning in the words, and Illon was definitely way too angry to allow that.

*~*~*~*

“That sounds... nice.”

--

And that definitely wasn’t what Blair expected to hear, but it was probably the best he could’ve gotten. So he guessed he did the right thing.

--

“You didn't hurt my feelings really, I just... I guess it's kinda a touchy subject. I'm sorry I snapped at you.”

--

Blair returned the tiny smile the ranger gave, he hadn’t really minded the snap if he were being honest. Which he should be, given how much he hates Amel.

--

“I guess you weren't completely wrong, we are... We are kinda like a family, I guess. Though, definitely a really dysfunctional one. Y'know, I never had anything like it before. I never had anyone until Eni took me in. It's just… It's just that, even if we want to be close, it kind of feels like we can't. Or, at least, that's how I feel. I'm so scared of hurting everyone, of letting them down, and, I guess, of them hurting me. Even though I really really want to be a... a family... I don't know how.”

--

And Blair allowed him to speak, why? Honestly, he didn’t know. All he knew was that not letting people talk when they were finally being vulnerable after not being for so long usually made them never be vulnerable again.

--

“I don't know how to talk to them. I don't... I don't even know what a family really is. I've never had one, never had anything even resembling one, the closest I've come is seeing them in movies. I don't know what it means. Am I supposed to be able to talk to them that openly? Am I supposed to just expect them to listen? Am I supposed to just... I don't know. What am I supposed to do? What are they supposed to do? What is a family? I don't- I don't know. And, if I don't know, how am I supposed to create one? I'm trying. I really am, but I just don't understand how any of it is supposed to work! Family, love, care, affection, trust?! I don't know what any of that shit even is! The closest I ever got was a pat on the back and a lollipop from a teacher because I was working so hard. From what I've learned, love and care is earned, not given. I work hard and I get rewarded for it. Is that what it is? Because that's what it feels like. I just... I don't know.”

--

When it became clear that Agnar was done speaking, Blair took a moment longer to take a breath and gather his thoughts. He could talk about her. Her versus the gang. Maybe it would help put it into perspective? Or he could do that more vaguely and then simply explain it more if he asked? Yeah, that was probably better for him right now.

--

So, with one last breath, Blair sighed and began speaking. “Family is… Different for everyone, if I’m being honest. Just because that nice family on the screen is loving and kind and nice doesn’t mean every family will be that way. Or even show love that way. Some people show they care for their family by teasing them and then beating up strangers or friends that try to insult that same family member in front of them. And sometimes, a family can be cruel. Families should love one another, always, they can hate each other sometimes but they should always love one another despite it.”

--

And immediately, her memory came up. Not his sister in the gang, no. Her. Someone who he hated just as much as he hated Amel. Only difference was that Blair had already killed her. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen either. Sometimes, the people who are supposed to be your family just… Suck. And sometimes, the people who aren’t your actual family are more of a family than your biological one. I know that for a fact. Either way, family is… Well, it’s different for everyone. There’s no wrong or right way to ‘do family’. Other than the basic rules of neglect and abuse being bad. Which is why I said you guys gotta figure out how to treat one another most effectively for you guys. Probably weren’t my exact words, but that was what I meant. Honestly, family is weird. It’s nice, when it’s good. But it can also be terrible. And painful. But you won't know what this family is gonna be unless you take that first risk.”