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 distant-lands
09:15:48 katy | beetle
-Click-
finally finished the flat color </3 now i need to shade
 distant-lands
09:15:33 katy | beetle
vah,
i'm excited for you! sounds like a very nice place to work ^^

and oh i bet! restoring anything is always a bit of a hassle.
 Lackadaisy
09:14:58 Stray, LT | H/H
e.e
 Zeraphia
09:14:39 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

Oooh yes! That definitely helps it so much!
 The Reaper
09:13:40 Reaper / Grim
Cap
-Click-
 Zeraphia
09:12:53 Space Pirate Captain
... i should doodle Lucius. It's been a hot while--
 Kháos
09:11:41 
Oh! Bye chat. ^^ I might be back later
 Zeraphia
09:11:20 Space Pirate Captain
Katy

Oh man, yeah. I love thrifting and antiques and this is just so much fun. :3

It takes a lot of work, that's for sure. They do a YouTube thing too. I /might/ have ended up in the background of one of the newer ones ^^' I'll have to see when it comes out.
 Lackadaisy
09:08:48 Stray, LT | H/H
oh my god, wow, he's so pretty
 distant-lands
09:08:29 katy | beetle
vah,
ooh that sounds very fun actually! i love antiques and trinkets :0

i wanted to get into flipping furniture as a hobby a while back but never did for some reason or the other, lol.
 Zeraphia
09:06:49 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

It definitely does give that vibe. I think maybe the skin needs just a touch of red to it, to help it feel like skin more, y'know?
 Zeraphia
09:06:14 Space Pirate Captain
Katy

It's a bit interesting. ^^'

I work in an antiques/vintage boutique. A lot of the time, it's shipping product out to people who have bought online.

The owners will find old trinkets/furniture and flip it. They'll sell the furniture and the product they used to flip/remodel it.
 Kháos
09:06:14 
Like usual, Tundra has an extra flavor text for the event, right? (Break taken, I'm back :D)
 The Reaper
09:05:51 Reaper / Grim
Cap
Well okay, so it's supposed to be skin stitched together. Kind of rotting and some spots the stitches have come apart so you see muscle & Bone beneath. The dark color is actually very dark green, I tried to make it look like it was rotting
 distant-lands
09:04:17 katy | beetle
vah,
that's good to hear! what kind of work are you doing, if you don't mind me asking?
 Zeraphia
09:02:17 Space Pirate Captain
Katy

Oh I'm enjoying it! It'll be a lot of fun.
 Zeraphia
09:02:03 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

... oh. I would've thought it'd have kind of a red-ish color/base to it as well. Perhaps a little green or something. I think the color right now has it feeling unfinished. ;-;
 distant-lands
09:01:33 katy | beetle
vah,
yeah, i'll be alright though. just need some sleep here soon, lol.

and oh man i imagine! i hope the new job's going well for you though; besides the tiredness :')
 The Reaper
09:00:01 Reaper / Grim
Cap
See aside from the eye It's done, I dont know what else to do with it
 Zeraphia
08:59:00 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

I think it's looking good! I think once you add colors it'll all look better.

Katy

Oh man! Mental fatigue is no joke.

I've been doing pretty good. Kind of tired but that's what happens when I get a new job after ... three(?) months of not having one?

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 distant-lands
09:15:48 katy | beetle
-Click-
finally finished the flat color </3 now i need to shade
 distant-lands
09:15:33 katy | beetle
vah,
i'm excited for you! sounds like a very nice place to work ^^

and oh i bet! restoring anything is always a bit of a hassle.
 Lackadaisy
09:14:58 Stray, LT | H/H
e.e
 Zeraphia
09:14:39 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

Oooh yes! That definitely helps it so much!
 The Reaper
09:13:40 Reaper / Grim
Cap
-Click-
 Zeraphia
09:12:53 Space Pirate Captain
... i should doodle Lucius. It's been a hot while--
 Kháos
09:11:41 
Oh! Bye chat. ^^ I might be back later
 Zeraphia
09:11:20 Space Pirate Captain
Katy

Oh man, yeah. I love thrifting and antiques and this is just so much fun. :3

It takes a lot of work, that's for sure. They do a YouTube thing too. I /might/ have ended up in the background of one of the newer ones ^^' I'll have to see when it comes out.
 Lackadaisy
09:08:48 Stray, LT | H/H
oh my god, wow, he's so pretty
 distant-lands
09:08:29 katy | beetle
vah,
ooh that sounds very fun actually! i love antiques and trinkets :0

i wanted to get into flipping furniture as a hobby a while back but never did for some reason or the other, lol.
 Zeraphia
09:06:49 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

It definitely does give that vibe. I think maybe the skin needs just a touch of red to it, to help it feel like skin more, y'know?
 Zeraphia
09:06:14 Space Pirate Captain
Katy

It's a bit interesting. ^^'

I work in an antiques/vintage boutique. A lot of the time, it's shipping product out to people who have bought online.

The owners will find old trinkets/furniture and flip it. They'll sell the furniture and the product they used to flip/remodel it.
 Kháos
09:06:14 
Like usual, Tundra has an extra flavor text for the event, right? (Break taken, I'm back :D)
 The Reaper
09:05:51 Reaper / Grim
Cap
Well okay, so it's supposed to be skin stitched together. Kind of rotting and some spots the stitches have come apart so you see muscle & Bone beneath. The dark color is actually very dark green, I tried to make it look like it was rotting
 distant-lands
09:04:17 katy | beetle
vah,
that's good to hear! what kind of work are you doing, if you don't mind me asking?
 Zeraphia
09:02:17 Space Pirate Captain
Katy

Oh I'm enjoying it! It'll be a lot of fun.
 Zeraphia
09:02:03 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

... oh. I would've thought it'd have kind of a red-ish color/base to it as well. Perhaps a little green or something. I think the color right now has it feeling unfinished. ;-;
 distant-lands
09:01:33 katy | beetle
vah,
yeah, i'll be alright though. just need some sleep here soon, lol.

and oh man i imagine! i hope the new job's going well for you though; besides the tiredness :')
 The Reaper
09:00:01 Reaper / Grim
Cap
See aside from the eye It's done, I dont know what else to do with it
 Zeraphia
08:59:00 Space Pirate Captain
Grim

I think it's looking good! I think once you add colors it'll all look better.

Katy

Oh man! Mental fatigue is no joke.

I've been doing pretty good. Kind of tired but that's what happens when I get a new job after ... three(?) months of not having one?




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Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
   1 

Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 26, 2024 10:45 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2990982
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Characters: Tyr, Tala, Lyra

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked in irritation. "It's been aa entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala sighed in exasperation. "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, sprang to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack: The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only the three of them, plus two pups, Lesia and Alita.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack..." She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilage, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired." Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happned: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and he has nothing to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happned to one of my previous pack's leader. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly, and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.

Based on a true story. I sent Tyr to do the Border Patrol Game and he totally got bested by a rabbit. (It's ok, Tyr, I still love you❤️)


Edited at February 29, 2024 06:55 PM by Mazie
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:00 PM


Broken Dawn

Neutral
 
Posts: 2251
#2991772
Give Award
Nice story!
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 27, 2024 10:26 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2991805
Give Award
Alrighty! So! Here's the critique you asked for. I also went over your story and made a few edits and suggestions which will be below.

Starting with critiques, I firstly have to compliment your writing as a whole. You actually have a really solid style and great understanding of making a story flow smoothly. Most of my critiques and edits are just small things to keep in mind and to add that extra bit of smoothness (mostly from experience and learning what reads a touch better). You do a great job staying away from passive voice and making each sentence expressive. You used one adverb, which is impressive. Generally, reword sentences over using adverbs in the writing world, but personally, I think they're fine.

Overall, I don't really have much to critique or change. Most I can suggest outside the edits below is to now start leaning into setting. There isn't much, and you can really make a story pop by helping visualize the area.

~

Here are my edits:

"I can't believe it."

Tala rolled her eyes. "Again with this?" she asked irritatedly in irritation. "It's been an entire day since it's happened. For the last time, FORGET IT."

"I simply can't!" Tyr whined. "You try having something that embarrassing happen to you! You'll never let go of it."

Tala rolled her eyes (Consider her squinting or turning away in exasperation. She just rolled her eyes a few sentences before). "Look Tyr, we all make mistakes. That's just life. You live with it and move on. Someday you'll laugh when you remember it."

Tyr, who had been laying on the ground, moping around the whole day, jumped (“sprang” is a vibrant word to consider instead of jumped)to his feet and huffed, "I don't want to hear your little lessons on life. I'm going for a walk."

"It'll be good for you," Tala called out as Tyr left their den.

Lyra looked at Tala quizzically. It had only been a few days since she had joined Tala and Tyr's pack, named Mazie : The Mazie Pack. They were a small pack, just starting out. It was only them three the three of them, plus two pups: Lesia and Alita, who had also joined quite recently.

Tala sighed. "Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack - wait, actually," she mused, "before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

“Lyra," she explained to the confused, older wolf, "before you joined our pack…" She paused and mused for a moment before continuing. "Wait, actually, before even the pups joined, Tyr went border patrolling for the first time."

Lyra nodded. "Ah yes," she said wistfully. "I always wanted to go border patrolling - it was a special privilege, you see, only for the best of the best. That was in my previous pack, where I grew up in."

"Well, consider yourself hired," Tala said with a smirk. "I doubt Tyr wants to do it anymore, considering what happened to him."

Lyra cocked her head. "Yes? Was that what he was complaining about so loudly?"

Tala nodded and grinned. "So here's what happened: he went border patrolling, right? And when he gets there he sees this rabbit, a singular rabbit. He thinks 'Oh, I'm a wolf. That's a bunny. Wolves hunt bunnies. Bunnies are weak compared to wolves,' right? So what happened, naturally is that he tries to fight the bunny, the bunny bites him, he misses, and it flees. So when he comes home an hour later, he's injured and there he has nothing for him to show for it."

Lyra raised an eyebrow. "So what I'm hearing is that Tyr got beat by a bunny."

"Yep."

Lyra whistled. "Wow, that really sucks for his ego."

"Yep"

Lyra smiled. "It's ok, I remember what happened to one of my previous pack's leaders. She was doing a PvP and -"

"Guys, I'm back!" Tyr interrupted, bursting back into their den. He smiled broadly and threw something down into the middle of the dirt floor. It was a dead rabbit.


Edited at February 27, 2024 10:33 PM by TimesGhost
Pack Life: A Short Fun ReadFebruary 28, 2024 04:57 PM


Former Pack

Neutral
 
Posts: 0
#2992354
Give Award
Wow, this is amazing! I can tell you know a ton about creative writing. I can't express to you how helpful this is! I will definitely include your edits into my short story. Thank you so much!

Forums > Socialize > Writer's Nook
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