This won't be formatted pretty. I just need a minute to sort my thoughts. It won't be long. I just need a second.

They always say that if you're struggling with something to go ask a friend and talk through it, but I always feel bad about it. It's just- I like to help others but don't want to bother anyone else. Somehow it feels easier to tell a dimly lit screen my problems and know others across the world can read it, ther faces illuminated by the same ghostly glow. Dang- that sounds poetic

Anyways- everyone left the house. It was nice, I made dinner. Mac n cheese. It had smoked paprika, salt, onion powder, and whatever cheeses were in the fridge. Dinner was good and I packed the rest for lunch tomorrow.

it's been a rough day, but I don't need to get into that here. So I went to go find ice cream- as one does when it's been a hard day. Two scoops of chocolate in a bowl- the usual.

Ice cream has always been a safe place for me. For some reason food makes me feel better about life's problems.
I finished about half of it and then just sat, staring off into space at the table.
back in middle school I had problems with eating enough and now it feels like the complete opposite. For some reason I always turn to food- like a pig sniffing around in the mud for morsels. Back then, I was skin and bones. Everyone still says I'm so skinny but it hurts to see that number at annual doctors checkups. It's just age so why does it hurt.
So I just sat there. We don't waste food here. My mom was from a poor family and that's not something we were taught to do.
instead I just finished the bowl, tears streaming down my face. Why doesn't food feel like a safe place anymore? Why do I feel guilty just for eating?

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anyways, sorry if anyone has also experienced this. I just needed to type it out somehow so I can try to get my homework done