Winter Month: 1 
Night 
Heavy Rain Moon: 
Hello to any and all who decide against their better judgement to read this.
These are mostly feelings and thoughts I've needed to get off my chest for a while now.
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Grief.
Grieving to alot of people can be processed differently, from losing a family member, pet or a friend. Whether they still be with us or have simply moved away from our lives and chosen to leave us out of it.
"intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death."
"trouble or annoyance."
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Loneliness can be a strong feeling associated with grief too.
But is it ever possible for one to grieve for something they never had?
•~Lately I've been feeling more lonely than ever, feeling more of an outcast trying to remain true to myself and set boundaries with others. I feel looked down upon and in a romantic view, I haven't had anyone in a very long time. Yet I feel like I'm grieving. I feel like I'm grieving for a love I've never had to experience myself. I have attempted to blend in with others, to step out of my comfort zone and meet up with people as friends to do activities together.
Yet no matter how hard I've tried, everyone has turned me down for one excuse or another.~•
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Empty.
"containing nothing; not filled or occupied."
"lacking meaning or sincerity."
•~My mind so far has felt more spacious than other times, leaving it prone to thoughts running rampant. At times I feel nothing within, staring blankly at a surface as I silently plea in the back of my mind for something out of the ordinary to happen, to break the trance and bring me back to the present. Each day blurs into one as every action I complete seems to turn up with no new results, feeding into an empty and meaningless cycle.~•
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Empty can be used for many scenarios.. For a glass to be filled and drained.
"For what is the glass to you? Is it half full? Or is it half empty? Depending on your view upon the world your answer might vary. For someone optimistic you may see it as half full, there is plenty of space to add more to the glass and there's already some that's made it thus far. For someone less so, it may appear half empty. Drained to be less than what it could've been, waiting to be finished and reduced to nothing."
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Expectation.
"A strong belief that something will happen or be the case."
Expectations mainly come by as something somebody expects of you, in terms of behaviour, achievements and such. An innocent idea at first, but with expectations comes the responsibility to reach those expectations, to achieve above and beyond past what someone is wanting from you.
A tiring effort.
Day by day goes past where people hold expectations of others, leaving them feeling as though if they cannot reach such expectations then what good are they truly?
If they cannot reach the desired level of success in another's eyes, why put in the effort at all?
•~My work always has high expectations of me. With a new promotion and increased responsibility, I've now had to share the blame for others mistakes. Their mistakes reflect as my own and it often leaves me feeling defeated and at a loss as I'm left with no defense. Tasks have now doubled, and the time to complete them has shortened. Mornings I am expected to rise earlier to fit around others schedules leaving minimal time for proper resting and unwinding time.~•
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tired..
"in need of sleep or rest; weary."
Each day that passes.
Another day spent completing my jobs.
Appeasing to others.
Is another day away from friends.
From family.
From myself.
For me to finally have a day off and be stuck awake by early hours, unable to sleep in as my body refuses to stay asleep from fear of being late. Of being needed at every hour.
To spend days exhausted and half asleep as my feet drag and my eyes hurt.
Plagued by constant headaches.
Losing interest in the things I once loved the most as they turn from hobbies to chores.
To be lost playing the same movies over and over to regain a piece of my childhood where I had no worries aside from who I'd play with come lunch time at school.
To imagine myself in characters places as I sit wishing I'd be treated with the same love and respect.
Caught in the crossfire of two warring sides as both lash out viciously at each other, my worry being cast only for the other stuck in between along with me.
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I wish people would see me for me.
Not some perfected version I've practiced and rehearsed time and time again.
I wish people could see the hurt.
The struggle.
The time and the effort I put into my life and those in it.
And..
.
.
.
Be there for me.
Tell me it'll be okay.
Tell me it'll get better.
My dreams will come true.
My goals will be achieved.
My heart will finally be given a reason to beat freely once more.
To flourish with more emotion than I've felt in so long.
•~I spend countless hours speaking to new people, only to grow attached so quickly as my heart tries so desperately to fill this growing void, only to be left behind for others considered better.
I go about trying to fill the void in other ways, through acts of good will. Paying for ones food behind me in a drive thru, gifting to those in need in the streets, to give a helping hand when one is struggling physically, emotionally or even mentally. I treat everyone how I wish to be treated because that's how I was raised and that's what I believe is right.~•
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Endless streams of music flow through my earbuds as my only refuge. My only escape from this reality.
With fear of rising driving costs in my country, to increased taxes, increased minimum wage only to drive up the cost of simple groceries. Having to live constantly off of unhealthy food because it's all I can afford to not starve.
The shadow of unemployment looming above me as winter nears, and with it the closure of my workplace.
The music soothes my aching body. My aching heart.
It slows my panicked breathes as I can finally close my eyes and say to myself.
•~"I've made it another day. I did it."~•
