Locked Gates
Prompt; Blackmail.
Characters; Garvin (and Midas, others mentioned), Akira, Ingall, and Nico. Revan’s also mentioned/implied.
Word Count; 4,105.
TWs; Swearing, varying levels of dissociation, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, panic/anxiety attacks, self-hatred, mild self-harm, internalized ableism, threats, manipulation, gaslighting, ‘mild’ flashbacks, lots of horrible implications, implied past abuse, implied csa, implied grooming, implied conditioning/programming, and messy writing/ending. Maybe more? Hard to say.
Notes; And welcome back to the Phrygia AU! Prepare for insane amounts of angst. Prepare to cry. A little reminder, Garvin’s been diagnosed as a system and in particular, he’s been diagnosed long enough that Midas is known and trying to be a protector.
*~*~*~*
Garvin had been having a good day, all things considered. The pain wasn’t as bad as it usually was, he wasn’t nearly as tired as he usually was, and probably the most impressive– He actually felt… Mostly there. Present. It was like the stars had finally aligned and decided to give him a truly good day. To finally give him a break. It was nice. Mostly. Other than that being more present than he usually was apparently meant that he… Had more feelings? He wasn’t really sure. All he really knew was that he’d been following his partners around like he’d never see them again if they left his line of sight. It was weird, and it made him think that maybe he wasn’t right about being present. Or that he wasn’t actually… Him?
-
Which, truthfully, he was still trying to figure that shit out. How was he supposed to tell if he wasn’t him? How was he supposed to know who he was at any given time? He forgot his name on a regular basis! Which. Maybe that was part of that? He wasn’t sure. Either way though, he didn’t think he wasn’t him at the moment. His name didn’t sound weird to him, at least, and he recognized his partners and all their nicknames for him and all his nicknames for them. So he was probably just stupid and that was why he felt his chest tighten every time the partner he was currently following around left his line of sight.
-
Or not stupid, because he wasn’t supposed to think about himself like that, and just… Something else. He didn’t know what. It was like Niki though, how clingy they could get sometimes. Except she wasn’t stupid and it almost always made sense as to why he was being clingy. Garvin was being clingy for no apparent reason, so it was different. He still wouldn’t be calling Lyra stupid if they were being clingy for no reason. He still wasn’t sure what else he could possibly be.
-
It didn’t really matter too much, he’d decided to ignore whatever negative shit he felt about it. For all he knew, it was just because of how much he loved them and wanted to be near them. It didn’t have to be because he was an idiot. Especially when he was supposed to be working on not dragging himself down and thinking his way into a bad day when everything was okay for once. He’d ruined enough days in the past like that. Or… Not ruined. He’d just… He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t a fan of having to try and manually change his way of thinking. He was fairly certain that there was a specific word for it that wasn’t just calling himself an idiot or telling himself that he ruined fucking everything. Some term that he just couldn’t remember.
-
Either way, Garvin wasn’t really worried. The others had probably figured out what he was doing anyway. They probably understood it better than he did. That usually seemed to be the case, at least. He’d ended up on the couch though, with Altair leaning against him and them both listening to Polaris read the book I Must Betray You by Ruta Sepetys. Which he had been reading silently until the two of them had come into the living room, and then he’d decided rereading two pages so that they could listen to it wasn’t so bad. It was nice, being more present than he usually was and getting to listen to Angel read with Kira pressed against him. It was calm.
-
Up until his phone started ringing and vibrating in his pocket, his ringer kept on full blast because he’d be more likely to answer it regardless of whatever mood he was in if it was. At the moment though, it only managed to cut through the sound of Gall’s voice and make Aki shift away from him. He furrowed his brows as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, sitting up and half ready to stand if he needed to. He stared at the screen for a second when he got it out, at the unknown number staring back at him, and tried to figure out who he could’ve forgotten to make a contact for this time.
-
He ran his tongue over some of his top teeth, and then hit accept when he couldn’t figure out who it could be. Better for them to just be able to tell him who they were over the call. Probably. After all, the worst case was that it would be a scam caller, and Garvin could always just hang up if that ended up being the case. He leaned back and put the phone to his ear to hear Spark’s voice on the other side.
-
“Hey, glad you picked up, almost thought you wouldn’t.”
-
He paused for a moment, trying to figure out why Fin would be calling him. How he would be calling him. Thistle and Siren were watching him closely, no doubt wondering who was calling him. He shifted, decided that the how probably had something to do with how Tanny was part of an organized crime group. Which meant that the why was really all that he needed to figure out right then. “Uh… Right. D’ya need something or…?”
-
“Yeah, for you to get your ass back here. And some other things from you, but that’s a more private conversation. You alone right now?”
-
Midas sat up, quick, ready to stand and walk off to talk to Sparky, something swelling in his chest. He stopped. Paused. Bit his tongue to calm his nerves and pulled the phone from his ear. He hung up. He took a breath, stared at the screen of the phone, and switched the ringer off as he put it back in his pocket. He sat there, just trying his damnedest at breathing. Spark had called him. He knew how to contact him. He breathed. Akira’s hand found his shoulder and he looked over, trying to figure out how he was supposed to act like someone that didn’t know. It hadn’t been his job. He didn’t want to ruin what seemed to have been a good day.
-
Ingall spoke first, “Who was that? Are you alright?”
-
Midas looked over, still reeling. “I’m fine, In–” He wasn’t supposed to use their names. He knew that, at least. Garvin didn’t use names. “–Angel. Everything’s good, uh. I think they had the wrong number. Either that or a scam call.”
-
Akira and Ingall seemed worried. Midas was missing something. He wasn’t sure what. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act like him. He wasn’t sure. His chest felt tight. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t quite think. The phone vibrated in his pocket. He bit his tongue. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure what he could do. The phone vibrated again. He stood up, his legs shaky. “I’ll be back. I, uh…” It went off again, his throat felt tight. “I need to use the bathroom.” Lying probably wasn’t the best choice. Doing anything else felt wrong. There was no way he could tell them about Sparky calling him. He wasn’t supposed to. Those calls were guarded. He knew better. He couldn’t do that to them. He couldn’t do that to Casper. It wouldn’t be fair to them. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. He was in charge. It was on him.
-
The two seemed even more worried. He didn’t stay to hear whatever they had to say to him though. Midas tried not to pull at his sleeves as he walked, ignoring the way Nico opened their mouth to say something as he went past her. The phone vibrated in his pocket again. He didn’t want to think about how upset Spark undoubtedly was. He couldn’t think about much else.
-
Midas locked the bathroom door behind him as soon as he entered, tearing the phone out of his pocket as it vibrated again. He tossed it onto the counter of the sink and tried not to feel too nauseous when the screen flashed on to show him that the messages were all from Sparky. He took a breath, leaned over the sink, trying to hold himself up. He wasn’t supposed to be doing this. He wasn’t supposed to be doing any of this. He was supposed to answer. He bit his tongue, tried to dig his teeth into it without breaking the skin at all. Blood was the last thing he needed added to this mess. The screen of the phone lit up as it vibrated again, slightly moving on the counter. He took a breath and grabbed it, using his face to open it and finally look at the messages. He read them in the order they were sent, trying to keep himself calm as he did so.
-
‘I know you didn’t just hang up on me, Midas. Get back on the damn call.’
-
‘Midas, baby, I know you’re better than this.’
-
‘What do you think you’re doing? You know you’re supposed to answer me.’
-
‘I need you back here. Baby, please, come back on the phone. You said you wouldn’t leave again.’
-
‘Midas, just come back to me. I’ll give you all the love you could ever want. I need you here.’
-
‘Damn it, Midas. Is this because of those people you were with when I last saw you? Did they fuck everything up? You know they can’t love you as much as I can. You know they can’t love you the way you need them to. What happened to you not wanting to leave ever again? Get your ass back on call.’
-
Midas wasn’t sure what to do. He stared at the messages. He wasn’t sure what to do. His throat felt tight. His lip was quivering and his eyes burned and it took everything he had not to hit the call button. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure. It hurt not to do what Sparky wanted him to. His legs felt weak and sore and shaky and he wasn’t sure what to do. The phone vibrated in his hand.
-
‘Don’t make me talk to someone else, Midas.’
-
He choked back tears for a second, or maybe he choked on tears. He couldn’t tell. He couldn’t let someone else deal with this. No one else would be able to. No one else had made any progress and what he’d made didn’t even feel like progress but it was more than the others and he couldn’t do that to them. He was in charge. He couldn’t let them deal with it. Midas swallowed the lump blocking his throat and sent a message. ‘Don’t, you don’t have to, I’m here. You can talk to me.’
-
Midas stared at the screen, waiting. He hated waiting. He’d always hated waiting. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure what he could do. He just about cried when Sparky replied.
-
‘Good boy, Midas. Now get on the phone.’
-
He didn’t want to. Not when Sparky had to go through all that to get him to start listening. He was going to be upset. He’d be mad at him. Midas didn’t want him to be mad at him. He felt sick. He hit the call button like he knew he had to though.
-
Sparky answered immediately, an edge to his voice that Midas never liked hearing. “Good boy. See? That wasn’t so hard.”
-
He choked back tears, letting himself find his way to the ground. “Dio— Dio, please don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad. I shouldn’t’ve hung up.”
-
“No, you shouldn’t have, Midas. I take it you’re alone now though?”
-
It was hard to talk. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure if the others would be mad at him either. They didn’t seem to like Sparky. They were adamant about him being a bad person, about him having hurt them. Midas wasn’t sure how they’d react. He forced himself to answer, forced himself not to beg him not to be upset or angry. “Y-Yeah. I am.”
-
“Good. At least you knew to do that still.” Sparky’s voice was like venom. Midas couldn’t do much more than flinch at it, shoulders curling. He hated making him mad. “You’re lucky I’m as forgiving as I am. The next time you decide to hang up on me though, there will be consequences. But I don’t need to worry about that, do I? You’ll come back to me like the good boy you are without any more problems, won’t you?”
-
He was shaking, he wasn’t sure what to do. Midas couldn’t just leave. He couldn’t. The other people in the apartment would be upset. He didn’t know what to do. He breathed. “I— I need time. I don’t— The people here are— They’re not going to want me to leave. They’re not going to want me to go back to you.”
-
“Smart people, given you have a track record of not coming back. But here, let me explain this to you. If you can’t figure out a way to get back to me, like you’re supposed to, then I’ll be forced to convince them to let you come back myself. You really think they care, Midas? You really think they could possibly love you as much as I can?” Sparky was definitely upset. Midas still couldn’t do anything except flinch, hunching further. “What do you think will happen if they find out what you’ve done? I know that you know better than to think they’ll be fine with it. They’ll throw you out, kill you, or have you arrested. You know that, I know you do.”
-
Midas didn’t want to think about it. He really didn’t. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t really want to leave. He wished he did. It’d all be easier if he did. He used to want to. He wasn’t sure what had changed. He swallowed his nerves. “How— How long do I have before, uh— Before you convince them?”
-
“Hm, well, baby, I need you back as soon as possible. But I guess I can give you a week or two so you can make sure they won’t try stopping you.”
-
He didn’t think a week would be long enough. He didn’t think two weeks would be long enough. Midas wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t want to leave. He wasn’t sure what other options he had. He wasn’t sure if there were any other options. He tried to calm his breathing, he at least needed to do that. He couldn’t leave the bathroom looking like a mess. The others would be worried, and that wouldn’t help anything.
-
“It’ll be so good to have you back, baby... When was the last time you visited the gardens, Mi—”
-
Midas didn’t think as he hung up, his chest tight and breathing all wrong again. He was half tempted to throw the phone, to break it. He didn’t want to visit the gardens. He didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to. It always hurt, it always did. He took a stuttering breath, and realized he’d hung up on Sparky for a second time. If it wasn’t already planned, he’d definitely go to the gardens if he went back now. When he went back. He didn’t have any other option. He had to. He couldn’t do anything else. There wasn’t anything he could do.
-
Someone knocked on the bathroom door at the same time the phone vibrated in his hand. Midas froze for a second, only half listening as someone spoke on the other side of the door. “Hey, you’ve, uh, you’ve been in there a while… You feeling alright?”
-
He couldn’t tell them. The tightness in his throat wouldn’t let him. The phone vibrated again. Midas didn’t want to look at it. He wasn’t sure what to do. Would they even care if he was able to tell them? What would he even say? That Sparky loved him and wanted him back but that he didn’t want to go back? He couldn’t say that. He could never say that. He was supposed to want to go back. He was supposed to have never left to begin with. He ended up letting out a desperate whine as he curled, holding his head and trying to figure out what he could even do.
-
He tore at his hair, the phone still in one of his hands. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t, he wasn’t, he really, really wasn’t and he couldn’t do anything and he wasn’t sure what he would do if he could. The phone vibrated again, he tore his hands away from his head because he did need to look at whatever Sparky was saying. He had to. He had to know how upset he was.
-
‘Midas, you’re on thin fucking ice. Get back on the call.’
-
‘Do not fucking test my patience, Midas. I have been real lenient with you about this. Get on the call right fucking now or I will be talking to someone else.’
-
The last message was a video, and he choked at the sight of it. He threw the phone out his reach before he could play it, he knew what it was. He knew. Midas pushed his back against the wall behind him and then pushed Cameron away when she registered just what the video was of. He closed his eyes, forced himself to calm enough for them, and pulled the gates shut. He couldn’t do this to them. He couldn’t. He knew that much. They’d all freak out, more than he himself already was.
-
There was another knock on the door, stronger than the last one he’d heard. A different voice spoke, and it took Midas a second to realize it was Akira’s. “Can ya unlock the door fer me, hun? Cherry said ya didn’t seem ta be doin’ too well in there.”
-
Midas wasn’t sure if he could. He didn’t think this was how they normally reacted though. He wasn’t sure why they seemed like they were trying not to upset him. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure if he could do anything. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t. It felt like he was on loop. He wasn’t sure what to do. He was tired. He forced himself to whine again, because that apparently had worked with Nico, and buried his head in his knees. He thought that maybe he heard Akira curse and continue talking, but he couldn't tell. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure about anything.
-
Nothing except that the phone kept vibrating on the floor and he couldn’t look over or he’d break. He couldn’t look at it. He couldn’t. Midas curled as much as he possibly could, trying not to pull at his hair when that could bring someone else up. He couldn’t do that to them. He couldn’t. He scratched at his arms instead, at his wrists, and hoped that it wouldn’t end up bringing Casper close. At least they wouldn’t think about looking at the phone if it did. He still didn’t want them out. He didn’t want any of them out.
-
Midas heard when the door opened, and curled some more because he really shouldn’t be freaking out as much as he was. He still dug his nails into his wrists when he heard two sets of footsteps walking away. Two more stepped inside though, and he tried not to panic when his hands were taken into someone else’s and pried away from his wrists. He tried not to panic more when the vibrations he felt from the phone on the ground left.
-
He risked a glance, and found Akira holding his hands in front of him and Nico holding the phone, staring at it. Akira looked almost surprised that he’d looked up at all. Midas didn’t stay looking up for long though, staring at the phone in Nico’s hand for only a few seconds longer before burying his head back into his knees with a strained whine. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure how they’d react. He wasn’t sure. He didn’t want Sparky to be right. He didn’t want to leave. He wasn’t sure if he had any other option.
-
“Hey, yer ‘right, jus’ try an’ breathe.”
-
He wasn’t sure if he could. He wasn’t sure if he knew how to. Everything seemed wrong. Off kilter and slanted and wrong. Midas didn’t think Akira understood how bad it was to not listen to Sparky. How serious a mistake it was. How wrong. He refused to dig his nails in when it wouldn’t be himself he was scratching though. So he tried pulling his hands out of Akira’s instead. He wasn’t sure what else he could do.
-
“Please, hun, jus’ try an’ focus on me. ‘M ‘ere, yer okay. Yer gonna be okay.”
-
He was shaking. He tried to breathe, realized how hard it was, and tried to figure out what to do. He tried pulling his hands away again. He felt cold. There wasn’t anything he could do. There wasn’t. There never was. There never had been. He was stuck. He was— Midas had never really gotten out, had he? He never had and he never would and all of this was just— It wasn’t real, none of these people were actually real and none of this was actually happening because he was alone. He was alone until he wasn’t and then it was just pain and praise and pain and love and pain and—
-
“Hey, hun, hey. Yer gonna be ‘right, promise. Jus’ focus on me, yer gonna be okay. I gotcha, love, ‘m ‘ere, ‘m right ‘ere.”
-
Midas was crying. He hadn’t noticed. He uncurled, just enough to be able to throw himself into Akira and bury his head in their shirt. Whether they were real or not, he didn’t care. They let go of his hands in what was probably shock, and he grabbed their shirt, buried himself more. He didn’t want to go back. He didn’t want to find out he’d never left. He didn’t want to find out that everything was just something his stupid fucking brain had cooked up for him after being in the garden for so long.
-
An arm wrapped around him, slow and hesitant and careful. It made him cry more, because no one was ever this gentle. No one was ever this soft. Midas had to remind himself that it was Akira, that they were that soft and gentle. That all of them were. He didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to find out that it wasn’t real. That they weren’t real. Their hand rubbed circles into his back, their voice still trying to soothe him. He couldn’t focus on it. He couldn’t get anything to work right. He felt pathetic.
-
Their other hand found his hair, even more hesitant than the one on their back. Their fingers ran through it slowly, carefully, and so softly that Midas could’ve cried just from that. He pushed his face against them more, tried to breathe and calm down because he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve their hand gently stroking his hair or rubbing soft circles into his back. He didn’t. He hadn’t done anything to deserve it. He hadn’t done anything to earn it. He didn’t want to lose it though. He didn’t want them to stop treating him with the warmth they treated him with. He wasn’t sure what to do other than to try and breathe.
-
“Breathe, love, yer gonna be fine. We’re gonna figure this out. I gotcha, everythin’s gonna be fine, I promise. We’ll figure this out.”
-
Midas stalled, if only for a moment, because he couldn’t fathom how Akira planned to keep a promise like that. He wasn’t sure how they could even think to say something like that. He blinked, tried to figure out why they’d even try to promise that, and couldn’t come up with anything other than that Akira believed it. That for whatever reason, they actually thought they could keep that promise. He wished they were right. He wished that it wasn’t more of a lie than anything else. He wanted to believe that they could keep that promise. He couldn’t do much more than cling to Akira even more as he tried to catch his breath and calm down. They continued to try and soothe him, he tried to let it work. He didn’t want to leave.
Fall Month: 1 
Day 
