This is the edited first five pages of the first chapter, which was the max I could put into the competition- the rest is all in my blog-

but-

ohohooohoh-

the writing-

Chefs kiss on how badly it is aha-

It's really good! I would have put the dream in italics to stand out, but that's probably just me.

Explaining family and history can be very tedious (the reason why I skim-read Chronicles I and II in le Bible aha) but I think you handled it well. Sometimes explaining things like that in a story can make it more entertaining, I dunno.

Very good so far! :D

you'll just get better and better as you keep going, so then you can come back and refine things. Have you heard of the seven-step process for writing? :0 It's taught in Australia

Nope-

Please-

Educate me in le Australian ways-

But that's my thing- I want Jaro to seem human and have family, and sure I could wait till Janick appears in the second chapter to explain the second thing- but it fits? I just don't know what is vital to the story, is interesting, and what's just boring...

seem human? Is she not human? xD

have fun! thank you!

1., I love the writing a lot

2. I'm not sure what's hapoening

happponening is hhard-

Also- I don't think its normal to feel this HaPPY when talking to a person-
HappY shouldn't exist-

yes! you should feel that happy! yeE

No

hmm