Catalina: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Blake: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

Ember: I fell—
Deamon: From heaven?
Ember: No, I literally fell—
Deamon: In love with me the moment you saw me?
Ember: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
Deamon: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

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no

Deamon: I'm going to get myself some soup.
Tiras: Be careful not to burn yourself, it's hot.
Deamon: Pfft, I won't burn myself.
*30 seconds later*
Deamon, entering the room: I burned myself.

Clovis: *About to do something incredibly stupid*
Deamon: I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

Clovis: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.

Clovis: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)
Bastien: What's that?
Clovis: Remorse code.
Bastien: I'm even angrier now.

Bastien, about William and Ember: My god, would you two just get a room already?
Ember: Excuse me, Bastien?
Bastien: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?
William: ...
Deamon: I ship it!
Tiras: CAN YOU NOT?

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I'm crying

*While the Squad is in a battle*
Bastien, trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left!
Deamon: Take it back now y'all!

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I choked on my sandwhich when I read this.