Freedom said:

ASomeonePerson: One grammatical error you have that's very common is adding a comma after "but." You don't actually need that. You also switch between third and first person a lot, so you might want to make that more consistent. When you use quotes, always put the punctuation inside them. Example: "Hello." Your imagery is wonderful, and you use repitition well. Your grammar is very good and your writing is crisp and clear. You're very good at describing thought processes. You might think about using less paratheses, but that's a personal choice.

Just so you know, I only read the first once since they're quite long.

sock monkey said:

alrighty, looked through some of your replies asp, and first of all: they're fantastic, and the imagery is great. You use proper grammer, and so this is more of a nit-picky thing about how your sentences read and flow.

I feel you could prune your sentence content, if that makes sense? The first few sentences, for example: "Not that this is anything special. After all, she is always hungry. She knows her hunger during every moment of her waking hours."

The sentences are, for a lack of a better word, clunky (although beautifully descriptive). Instead of, 'not that this', a sort of awkward phrase, I would simply cross that bit out, and go with: this is nothing special, of course. Or something that flows a bit better, like that. Then, the 'afterall' bit is unceccessary, seeing as you've already established that her hunger is not unique to this particular day. Then the last bit, "she knows her hunger during every" is also a little bit,,, much? The conjunction is unneccessary, and can be replaced with 'is' for more emphasis and,, solidity in idea? clarity?

this is just an example in the first paragraph, the trend carries on a bit throughout. tbh, this is all pretty nit-picky and quite a bit about stylistic choice. In the end, your writing is wonderful, but it's just something to think about it - to make sure everything reads well, reciting some sentences out loud wouldn't hurt!

please take all criticism with a grain of salt, I tend to write far more,, distanced? from my characters, and your style seems to work perfectly well for you and the characters you describe. so. :)

queen.: I personally like the character sheet aesthetic. I personally don't tend to like everything lowercase, but that's really up to you. The dividers are pretty well-placed, and everything's legible. Nothing about his appearance strikes me as offensive. It's just a straightforward description of how he looks, and it's pretty good and thorough.

It looks pretty good, in general very similar to other futuristic worlds I've seen. If you're hoping to make this into an RP, I find it's usually better to keep things more general and encourage people to add to the world, so I'd say the amount of information is perfect for that. Here are a few things you might like to consider, though:

1. How has culture been affected by this? Are subcultures within America dead? Are there people trying to bring them back or who still cling to the old ways?

2. What variations of class are there within the Sky and Ground-born? What do people become wealthy for? For instance, is the entertainment industry still enough to make you wealthy?

3. Is there much controversy around the use of VR and AI? What are the strongest points of view and who might be considered "winning," if that applies?

4. How is the rest of the world doing? How is America interacting with the rest of the world: are they more peaceful, more aggresive, or pretty much the same? How has that impacted the day-to-day life of people who live in America?