Canis Inanis said:

ASomeonePerson, that is an absolutely wonderful piece. The idea is a unique twist on a bunch of considerably more cliche ones, and the writing is superb. Your characterization is on point, and I wanted to read an entire book based on Sage and this premise after three paragraphs. I'm crying right now, that was so good. Gods damn, you could go professional. People would pay for this.

ASomeonePerson said:

Canis Inanis said:

ASomeonePerson, that is an absolutely wonderful piece. The idea is a unique twist on a bunch of considerably more cliche ones, and the writing is superb. Your characterization is on point, and I wanted to read an entire book based on Sage and this premise after three paragraphs. I'm crying right now, that was so good. Gods damn, you could go professional. People would pay for this.

...I am honored and also crying--

Spellbound: I've RPed with you before, so looking at the RP posts in your blog and the ones in our RPs, I'll say that you have pretty good grammar and spelling. One thing you might want to improve is your use of commas. You often forget to add them, particularly at the end of quotes. For instance, dialogue would read: "Words," he said. You also write the ellipses "..." rather than " . . . ", which isn't really a huge deal but for some reason I'm very ellipses-focused. I really like how you move the plot forward - a lot of stuff tends to happen in your RP posts, which is good because, let's be honest, most RPs don't last that long. Just as long as you don't leave anyone behind (and I've never seen you do that), it's great to more faster. However, with the faster pace you sometimes have odd or choppy transitions between events. I find that adding a bit of internal dialogue or even just imagery between those can help. For instance, in Connie got Kidnapped! you have "[Her neck] showed a crescent moon tattoo on the base of her neck. If anyone knew of the legends of the female with the crescent tattoo they knew it led back to a fierce Outlaw they called Ghost Rider, and she was the Most Wanted Woman in the West until she just faded away and became a midnight story to scare the children." Since she's in the middle of being kidnapped and the wind just shifted her hair, this feels a little out of place and odd here. If you can lead into it or put it somewhere else it might be better. And you also have to remember that nobody's perfect - so don't just play up the good aspects of your characters, but the bad as well. Few people are kind, gentle, tough, badass, talented, clever, confident, sassy, and good-looking all at the same time. You have good dialogue, and are particularly good at doing angry characters. Your rants are also great. You also have a fun imagination and interesting characters. You seem to be particularly good at creating settings and NPCs.

ASomeonePerson: Well, dammit, now everyone in my house is gonna want to know why I'm crying. That is good. And you should definitely look into getting it published. Your imagery is amazing, the way you portray emotion, your sense of timing. I have zero suggestions to give you regarding the writing itself. The only grammatical suggestions I have are to use — instead of --, and this one sentence I don't fully understand: "End quote… excluding the comment about him being around in the eighteen hundreds, of course." Maybe there's just something I'm not getting. But besides that, this is an amazing and beautiful piece.

Regarding the usage of the em-dash, I... wrote the whole thing on my phone, so I didn't have access to "—" and instead had to put up with "--". As for the following confusing paragraph—

[...] [he] all but forces her to socialize and make more friends and stop being a frightened little cat and date someone (ahem. Elijah. Ahem) for once in her life, for the love of everything holy he learned about back in the eighteen hundreds. End quote… excluding the comment about him being around in the eighteen hundreds, of course.

—I attempted to imply that Sage directly told Zoey, "Make more friends and stop being a frightened little cat and date someone for once in your life, for the love of everything holy." Hence the words "end quote." The part "excluding the comment about him being around in the eighteen hundreds," implies that Sage did not say, "[...] for the love of everything holy I learned about back in the eighteen hundreds." But, yeah, it's a pretty confusing paragraph, so I'll make sure to clear it up when I edit the whole thing once again and smack it on Wattpad.