i've had a pounding headache for 3 days now and I've tried everything to fix it.. water, food, more sleep, relaxation methods, anxiety-reducing bullshit, fucking everything.
it is still here.
my anxiety is off the walls. My mother called me a few minutes ago at school to scream at me for not telling me about a mandatory meeting I knew nothing about, so therefore could not tell me, and it only spewed my anxiety more. My headache is even worse now.
As punishment for my "crime", she guilt-tripped me on how now my father can't go out with his friends to go socialize and now has to go to this meeting. I was moments away from starting to fucking cry from damn guilt when the secretary of my school came and told her that it's fine, anything needing signing they would send home with me.
Still, she said I can't go to my wrestling practice today, which is probably for the best, with my headache, but I still could probably sit out. We have a match on Monday and I'm terrified. I need to practice. I need to learn more moves and I need to help my friends and I just want to be ok and not stressed and terrified of always being attacked and screamed at because somehow my 4-year-old sister is somehow soooo much better than me.
I really just want to sit down and cry.
I can't, though. Everybody hates me here already because I live in North Carolina, which is really anti-LGBTQ+, and guess what? I'm a gay, trans male. I made it public, too. Worst decision ever.
I'm bullied for being a furry when the only thing I do is draw animals because it's the only thing I can do right.
I'm worried about what I'm going to do next, to be honest. I don't know what to do. If I cry at home, I'm called a baby and need to grow up. If I cry here at school, I might as well build my own coffin and dig my own hole.
My own boyfriend ridicules and taunts the fact I want to be a guy and I want to forget everything about being a female. I want to take a break from him and just focus on myself, but after I took 10 minutes to explain everything, wanna know what he said?
HE FUCKING SAID, "I'M SORRY, WERE YOU SAYING ANYTHING?"
So yeah, I burst into tears and fucking left.
My birth mother, who I haven't seen in over 2 years, just got chucked into jail again. I miss her so bad, but she just chooses everything other than me. Sure we may be over 400 miles away, but she threw my baby sister a whole entire birthday party 5 months ago, and I didn't even get a call. Not a present, not even a phone call. That made me cry, too.
My life is going all the way downhill. I get grounded and screamed at and worse for any grade below a 90. I just got grounded for 2 months cuz my math grade is 82. I'm freaking out because I just checked my grades and my math grade went up to a 88, yay, but my ELA grade is an 85. I'm in a constant state of anxiety trying to lift the grade up and at the same time just waiting for my mother to call me into her room and berate me like I'm 9 again.
I'm 16, not 9. It's not fair. It's never fair in my favor.
I don't know what to do.
My headaches are worse, too, now.
All these guys hit on me and treat me like I'm special, but it just makes me feel worse. I'm not even attractive. I have a nagging feeling of paranoia they're just doing it for a big joke. They're laughing at how easy I am to flirt with and try to make a move on. I just know it, they're all making fun of me.
I'm 5'1, and 170 pounds. I tell everyone I'm 150, and they smirk and chuckle at THAT. Wait until my first wrestling match when they yell out my weight and I have to stand up and fight like that and get beat again.
I really try to lose it, though.
I run until I throw up after school, I don't touch food until I'm struggling not to faint. Coach makes us run until we collapse, and I happily oblige.
I'm so sorry I'm going on, I'm just so stressed.
I can't wait until I'm 18 and I can flee.
I have this dream, this dream that keeps recurring, of me and my best friend at the moment, back in Jersey, where I used to live, on the shore, on the piers, doing all the rides and eating all this food.
AND I'M FREE.
NO PARENTS, NO GRADES, NO SCHOOL...
Just.. peace.
I can't wait to make that dream come true.
Love ya'll
-J
Winter 
Night Weather: 
