Im supposed to be better now. Things are supposed to be fine. Im supposed to be happy. . (Mod edit: inappropate discussion is not allowed) got meds to help deal with the pain (just to clarify, these are PRESCRIBED MEDS and no sort of drugs, I don't want that misconception around) but I'm just not better. I don't know who I am now that the pain has "stopped". Such little things can ruin me all over again. So few people knew what I had to put up with, the struggle just to keep breathing every morning. And so nobody knows what I've had to do to fix things. I'm normal. Im fine. Doing just great, everyone. Never been better. I didnt have to take the prices of my broken life and try my best to glue them back together, and (Inappropate disussion is not allowed). I feel so isolated. I just don't understand anymore.

I do not have much personal experience, but ;-; here are my 2 cents;

From what I gathered you are in process of healing and that takes time even thou it sometimes seem like nothing is really happening, as long as you are not going backwards you are doing okay.

I've heard people mention how they have hard time letting go of their problems(especially mental) if they had them for a long time because that changed them so much they do no remember who they were before and they feel empty without their problem, they feel like they lost part of their identitiy-so in that matter you are not alone. (I am not sure if I'd advise roaming through internet for advices cause there are good and honest people out there who really do wanna help and know how, but there are also those who specifically prey on certain groups of people and just act nice while giving sktechy if not downright dangerous advices and since people who feel lost and are willing to try anything to get better they try that too...and it can end badly)

Maybe for now you do not have to be at your best, like an atlehte after injury, it may be healed up and they have green light to train, but it is different and it will take some time and effort to return to their regular best.

You mayhaps need to build or find your sense of self again, your identity and I do not mean like national or gender of sexual or football club X) something harder to describe, but to see who you are as a person, your likes and dilikes, what are your interests and where you want to go - if you rememebr some wishes from before you might wish to return to those plans. If you cannot really sense much like you don't have "aha!" moment when you wanna help in local animal shelter or you want to take dance lessons, write down anything you can think of and use that as some kind of guidelines example, if you wanna create/build but have no idea beyond that you take that as your starting point and then try out like writting stories. If after a while you think that ain't it or enough, switch over to painting? Or puzzles? Or woodcraft? Or jewelry making? Or anything that has that creative/building characteristic-try it out, see if it sticks and even write down some new stuff you discover about yourself along the way like "I do think drawing with pastels is okay, neat, my flowers look good, buuuut it is really messy" so you might figure out that while your idea of liking to be creative is true, you also find out that you don't like getting messy(maybe in general, maybe with oil stuff specifially) but that means that you probably won't find pottery or finger painting too fun either cause those two are also pretty messy and some may enjoy it, but you don't so you do not go in that direction yourself.

Also having a track record of what you try as little daily log could be a good idea :3 not only it will help to summarize what you did and what you did not try, but it will also be there as a proof of good times-like a picture of a summer picnic might bring back those fond memories and well it could mean that if you do the same today it might bring you same joy now-the unfortunate thing is that it also may not...people change, but still it would be a proof you are able to feel happiness or whatever other positive emotion. I know one can start a discourse that what if someone lost ability to be happy, but let's hope that is impossible ^^"""

Um so anyhow, my adivce would be chin up or blanket yourself in burrito to be comfy, try new things and write a log of your emotions and experiences-even if you might not be able to see worth of the log or figure anyhting out with it's help maybe someone else from your circle of friends will :3 and yeah, maybe do not write down all your darkest and deepest secrets in case someone finds the log accidentally.

P.S. Some people, well Americans in specific, had this idea that one must feel happy all the time even that theory that if you smile you will make yourself happy in some induced way and that that is good..? Um yeah I am pretty sure that myth has been debunked, it is just running after unreal ideals plus feeling emotions can be exhasuting like how people feel sleepy after crying or anger-cause emotions affect the body so too much of any emotion is bad in the long run-WP wolves are mostly content which is smart, that is low-energy emotion one can bask in without losing it. Also cartoon Inside Out offers interesting insight in how sadness is also a useful and needed emotion :3 if you wanna give it a watch

Thank you so much :) this gave me a much needed new perspective. Been applying this and I think its a very long journey but you've given me hope.