Wolf Play : Whispers Cost

TWs; Swearing, hospitalization, mentions of arguments, mentions of drugs/medication, mentions of past suicide attempts, mentions of surgery, mentions of/relatively vague blood transfusion, ‘mild’ flashbacks, varying levels of dissociation, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, panic/anxiety attacks, implied depression, implied self-hatred, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, blood, consequences of a suicide attempt/self harm, implied past suicides, and messy writing/ending. Maybe more? Hard to say.

Notes; And we finally reach the true hurt/comfort part of this short story/collection! Yay. Gee, this took a while to get to. Garvin’s very blurred during this, and there’s a few switches. But as I don’t do his POV at all, I don’t really know who all is there. Hopefully the hurt/comfort was worth the wait. And worth all the angst. And hopefully Briar's written alright too.

*~*~*~*

Ten minutes after getting into the room, Gwyar got a message from Briar telling him that they’d gotten there. He’d calmed down a little by then. He still hadn’t been sure on how to answer when he got the message though. So he hadn’t, keeping his eyes on Garvin and trying to will his best friend into waking up. He wasn’t sure if they’d given him some sort of anesthetic. Surgery usually meant anesthesia. But he had already been out when the professionals got there. He didn’t know if he’d woken up on the way or not. He wasn’t sure what the protocols were. He wasn’t sure when Odysseus would wake up.

So he’d taken a breath, and shifted to where he could see Garvin and the door at the same time. The door was closed. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that. The door being closed seemed better than the door being open though. He kept one hand on the railing of the bed his best friend was lying in, and sat up a little straighter, planting himself where he was. He wasn’t sure what he’d say to Odysseus. He wasn’t sure what he could say. He wasn’t sure what state his best friend would be in when he woke up. None of that really mattered. He’d figure out something to say.

Ten more minutes passed of him watching the door staying closed, watching people pass by outside, and watching Garvin not wake up. He was worried. Sao was in the window on the door. He took a breath, shifted, waited. The door opened a moment later, revealing that Briar was with them. He didn’t like the look on either of their faces. Briar stepped in, eyes flicking over to Odysseus and then to him. Sao stayed standing in the doorway.

Briar sat in the chair next to him. “How’re you holding up?”

Gwyar wasn’t sure how to answer. He didn’t know what answer Briar wanted to hear. He took a breath, bit his tongue. He wasn’t the one that could’ve died. “Garvin hasn’t woken up yet.” Like so many other people had done so far, Briar’s face softened.

Sao was the one that responded first, sighing even as their voice stayed level. “Yeah, that’s to be expected with the state he was in. If his vitals change or he’s not awake by the time the blood transfusion is over though, then press the call button. Alright?”

He nodded curtly. He didn’t ask about the state. He knew what the state had been when Odysseus had been picked up and he knew the state had been bad enough to warrant emergency surgery. That was enough for him. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He should’ve checked on him sooner. Should’ve known to look for internal bleeding. He hadn’t. He watched Sao leave, shutting the door behind them again as they went.

Aries took a breath, and looked at his partner. “I’m sorry.”

Briar looked worried. He wasn’t sure if the look was for Garvin, for him, or both. He hoped the look was only for Odysseus. “Hey, none’a that. You didn’t do anything wrong, yer okay.”

He shifted, starting to move his hand not on the railing. He stopped, paused, and looked at Garvin. He took a breath through his nose. “I should’ve checked on him sooner.”

He heard Briar take a breath, he didn’t look over at them, his eyes trained on Garvin’s face. A moment later, he felt them leaning against him. He bit his tongue, shifting so they were leaning on each other. He swallowed his nerves, kept his eyes on Odysseus. “I hate this.”

“Yeah… This sucks.” Briar paused.

Gwyar picked back up. “Really does. I–” He bit his tongue. He felt like he was going in circles. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to keep anything from anyone. Garvin didn’t want his partners to know. Briar was already here, already knew. “Devery… Said some stuff.”

Briar’s voice dipped. “Oh, yeah? About how he won’t show up?”

He huffed, finally glanced over at his partner. “I mean– Kind of? Don’t be mad at him. He… I don’t know. He said some stuff that made me worried.”

Briar shifted a little, sighing. “What’d he say?”

Aries bit his lip. “He… I don’t know. Garvin said some stuff too. Before he… Before he passed out. I told Devery because… Because I didn’t want him waking up alone, right? I thought– I thought he’d change his mind about coming. I don’t…” He trailed. He wasn’t sure how to put anything. There was so much. He was worried. “A-And Devery thought coming wasn’t… Wasn’t his place?”

Briar was quiet for a moment. “That’s stupid.” They paused, looked over at Odysseus. “What’d Vinny say?”

He felt his brows furrow. He took a breath. “He– He was worried about people being mad at him. H-Hating him. I don’t– He shouldn’t wake up alone. Not– Not if he’s thinking like that. Apparently he says th-that kind of stuff a lot while he’s–” He stopped. Took another breath. “Wh-When he’s in a state like he was in. D-Devery thought so, at least. I don’t– I don’t know how many times he’s…” He stopped again. He’d never been good at putting what happened into words. Not with what this was.

Briar shifted back to how they’d been leaning on him before. “Devery still should’ve showed up.”

Gwyar didn’t say anything for a moment, just looked at Garvin. When he did speak, his voice was quiet. “Devery said he didn’t want to ruin what he had with Garvin… That’s why he’s not here.”

“Again, kinda stupid.”

He bit his tongue, kept his eyes on Odysseus, and didn’t say anything else. There wasn’t really much to say. Devery had known Garvin longer. He didn’t know how much Devery knew that he didn’t. He was worried. Briar sighed, and leaned further against him. He swallowed the lump in his throat again, and reached over to hold their hand.

---

If nothing else, Odysseus stayed stable for the next thirty minutes. And then the monitor sped up, just enough to make Gwyar sit up and let go of Briar’s hand, checking the screen to make sure his best friend was still okay. Except, he was still okay, according to the monitor. So he blinked, looked back at his best friend, and realized that his eyes were shifting under his eyelids.

He shifted, sitting up straighter, and watched as Garvin’s eyes started to blink open, squinting at the bright lighting of the room. Odysseus let out a hiss, went to move, and Aries put out his arm to stop him. Because the last thing his best friend needed was to reopen his arms, the internal bleeding. The last thing his friend needed was to mess up the blood transfusion. He kept his voice calm. “Don’t move.”

Garvin’s eyes flitted around for a second before seeming to find him and stopping to stare. The confusion that passed his face a moment later made Gwyar’s throat close up. Odysseus closed his eyes and softly groaned as he let his head fall back. He tried not to feel too much like he was doing something wrong. He tried not to feel too mad at Devery for letting Garvin wake up alone in the past. For letting him wake up alone enough times to be confused when he didn’t. He took a breath, just to make sure he’d stay calm enough to actually help his best friend. “You’re in a hospital room. There’s an IV, an intravenous line, in one arm giving you a blood transfusion. Do not take the IV out. Don’t move either arm, really. The arm that doesn’t have the IV had internal bleeding, you had surgery to fix that but any moving could reopen… Everything. More or less. So don’t move.”
-

His hand was shaking. He’d handle any other episodes he needed to have when he got home. Odysseus needed him. Garvin squinted his eyes at him, he couldn’t read the look on his face. He didn’t like whatever the look meant though. He was sure of that much. He took another breath, and continued. “I’m going to press the nurse call button, they’re going to talk to you, ask some questions. If everything seems fine, you’ll be able to leave once the blood transfusion is over.” He bit his tongue. “I didn’t tell your partners you’re here.”

He looked away before he could see how Odysseus reacted, finding the button he was supposed to press and reaching over to do just that. He moved back after pressing the button and looked at Garvin again, trying to give his best friend a smile. Even if he couldn’t manage anything more than a small one. “No one’s mad at you, no one will be mad at you. Okay? You’ll be okay.” He didn’t look like he believed him. He shifted, taking a breath. “We are going to have a talk before you leave too.”

That seemed to have a better reaction, with Odysseus giving him a small nod as he closed his eyes again. He tried not to let that make him feel worse. Garvin took a deeper breath, his voice was quiet. “Right, ‘kay.”

He bit his tongue, nodded to himself. Glanced at the door and then back at his best friend, forced up a smile that was as amused he could possibly manage. “I met a nurse that helped find you. Way nicer than most, I think. Sao Cainnear. I’m hoping they’re your nurse.” Garvin’s eyes opened again, looking over at him with just about the look he expected. Utter confusion. Aries continued. “In Greek myth, Sao is the Nereid of safe sea passage and is the one responsible for rescuing sailors, Odysseus.”

Odysseus huffed, he was almost willing to believe he’d meant the sound as a laugh. The look in his eyes was still too confused for Gwyar to really let himself believe that. He shifted, swallowed the lump in his throat. The sound of the door opening had him turning to see Sao standing in the doorway.

“Is Garvin awake?” Their voice seemed hopeful. He didn’t think he’d ever met a medical professional that seemed hopeful. He blinked, and then nodded.

They smiled. “Great.” Sao stepped into the room, into Garvin’s line of sight. “My name is Sao Cainnear, I’ll be your nurse while you stay here. If you need anything, you can have one of your friends press the nurse call button. If you’re good at the moment, I can go ahead and get your doctor in here. We’ll ask some questions, talk to you a bit, and if everything seems okay then you’ll be able to leave after your blood transfusion is done. Which will be about another hour and a half, if I had to make a guess.”

Odysseus had zoned out while Sao was talking at some point, his eyes unfocused and distant. That much was clear even with the noncommittal hum he gave that barely managed to seem more like he understood. Maybe the distance was clear because of the hum, if Gwyar was being honest. Given that Sao probably wasn’t close enough to see the distance in his eyes. Either way, Sao took a breath, glanced at him and Briar, nodded, and left the room again. He bit his lip, and kept his eyes on Garvin when the door closing behind Sao didn’t snap him back into focus.

He was worried. He shifted, trying to watch for the moment Odysseus would focus back into what was going on. He wondered if medication would help with how often Garvin seemed to zone out. He didn’t think the answer mattered all that much if his best friend still wasn’t going to take medication either way.

Odysseus blinked away from where his eyes had gotten stuck, and then he blinked a few more times as if to make sure. He shifted, starting to move, his eyes looking around and brows starting to knit. Gwyar put out one of his arms to stop him again, pausing at the slightly confused sound Garvin made when he did. He watched as he blinked some more, and then let his head fall back again.

He heard Briar let out a breath, and Aries shifted his arm back. He still wasn’t sure what to do. What to say. Garvin broke the silence first. His voice was quiet. Small, nervous in a way that he… Just wasn’t supposed to be. His eyes were closed, eyebrows still knitted together. “‘M sorry.”

His throat closed on him again, and he took a breath through his nose. Briar spoke before he could get past the lump in his throat. “You don’t hafta apologize. Not ‘bout this, not right now.”

Odysseus squeezed his eyes tighter shut at that, eyebrows drawing closer. His jaw shifted, almost as though his bottom lip was going to start quivering. His voice was even smaller. “...‘m s’rry.”

Gwyar forced a breath, and then shifted to rest his hand on the railing again. Garvin apologizing always hit a nerve. With what they meant to his best friend, he hated the sound of them. He hated how small his voice was even more. He kept his own level. “No one’s mad at you.” He took another breath. “No one hates you.”

Odysseus didn’t look like he believed that, with the way his lips did start to quiver and his brows furrowed. The door opened as he went to say something though. Gwyar didn’t think he would’ve liked whatever Garvin said anyway. So he’d taken the sound of the door opening as his excuse to look away, to not have his heart ripped apart even more.

Sao was the first one he saw, with the presumed doctor behind them. The doctor was taller than Sao, but still shorter than he was. Shorter than Odysseus was. Sao stepped into the room, the doctor following close behind, the door kept open as they entered. Sao gestured to the doctor. “This is Doctor Ira Alkimos. He’ll be your doctor while you’re here, Garvin.”

He felt Briar reach over and hold one of his shaking hands. The doctor took a breath, looked at the two of them. Gwyar shifted to sit up straighter, slightly leaned towards and in front of Briar. “If you two could step out into the hall, we need to talk to Garvin alone.”

He didn’t want to leave Odysseus alone. A glance at his best friend showed that he’d zoned out again, eyes stuck on the doctor. He didn’t want to give the doctor any reason to be upset either. So he swallowed his nerves, nodded his head, and stood up with Briar.

The walk out the door felt far too long and far too short. He hesitated before closing the door behind them. He stood still in the hallway outside the door for a moment, bit his lip, and looked at Briar. They squeezed his hand, and they moved to the wall next to the door instead. His partner took a breath.

“How’re you feeling?”

Aries blinked. He took a step back, letting himself lean against the wall. He watched Briar’s face for a moment. “I’m worried.” He paused, trying to figure out how to explain himself. “I don’t think they’re saying everything. I don’t think they’ve told us everything.” He didn’t like the look on Briar’s face. He didn’t like how they looked like they knew more than he did. He took a breath, and kept watching his partner’s face. “Did they tell you anything?”

The way Briar took a breath told him that they had. So he shifted, held himself up straighter. Looked for Briar’s eyes, reached out and took one of their hands into one of his own. He kept his voice calm, quiet in case of anyone else in the hallway. “What did they tell you? You don’t have to tell me, not if you don’t want to.” He paused, exhaled. “I just want to know if whatever they told you is something that can or can’t be told to his partners.”

Briar shifted, squeezing his hand for a moment. “He… Okay, look. He’s okay, yeah? He’s gonna be okay.” He felt his brows furrow, trying not to worry about how ominous that seemed. He nodded. They continued. “And this isn’t your fault. None of what happened is your fault.”

He didn’t really agree with that. He could’ve checked on Garvin sooner. He should’ve checked on him sooner. He should’ve known to check for internal bleeding. But he also didn’t want to start all of that with Briar. He didn’t want them to decide not to tell them. So he ignored his nerves, how agreeing with them felt like lying, and nodded again. “What happened, Briar?”

Briar took a breath. Their words were slow, their eyes watching him just as much as he was watching them. “On Garvin’s way here, his heart… Stopped.” He shifted, his worry spiking and his head already turning to look through the window on the door to the room Odysseus was in. His partner continued before he had completely, speaking faster. “He’s okay now— He’s gonna be okay. They got his heart going again quickly. Just… For around a minute, his heart stopped. 68 seconds, is what Sao said.”

Gwyar couldn’t quite breathe. Not very well, at least. He didn’t know what to say. He felt his mouth open anyway. Heard himself as he spoke. “He died? For 68 seconds, he was dead?”

He blinked. Briar took a breath. “…Yeah.”

He squeezed Briar’s hand. The edges of his vision seemed spotty. Fuzzy. He breathed through his nose. He ignored the itch on his knuckles, the urge to turn and punch the wall behind him. To dent the wall until his hands bled. To open the door to the room Garvin was in and refuse to leave, refuse to let him out of his sight. To demand… Something. He wasn’t sure what. He most of all ignored the urge to leave. To leave and find Devery, who had been so adamant that Odysseus wasn’t going to die. That he was somehow incapable of actually dying. Because he had. Even if for only a minute, he had.

“Aries?”

Briar sounded worried. He forced his eyes back to them. He swallowed his nerves, the lump in his throat. He pulled them into a hug, slow enough that they could step away if they wanted to. He kept his voice low, not trusting himself to speak any louder than what was barely above a whisper. “Thank you. For telling me.”

He wasn’t sure if Briar said anything in return before he released them, and found his eyes wandering. He shifted, staring towards the door to the room Garvin was in. He still wasn’t sure what to say. He had to have a talk with him though. He had to. His best friend had died. Only for a minute, but he had died. And Gwyar couldn’t allow him to do so again. Couldn’t risk him trying again at all. Not after this. Not with how he didn’t seem to want help, to want to get better.

The door opened, Sao and the doctor stepped out. The doctor took a breath, looked at him and Briar. Gwyar pushed off the wall, and stood up straighter as the doctor spoke. “So as of right now, we’d like to keep him here for a little while after his blood transfusion. We’ll check on him again after the transfusion ends but given his current state, he might need to stay longer.”

He nodded, trying not to look over the doctor’s shoulders and towards Odysseus. The doctor stepped out of the way a second later anyway, continuing to speak. “You two are free to visit again. We’ll be back once the blood transfusion is over, remember to press the nurse call button if either of you or Garvin require Nurse Sao at all.”

Aries nodded again, and stepped back into the room without any other delay. Garvin looked better and worse than he had when they’d left the room. He looked like he’d been crying, eyes distant again and staring at the door. He didn’t look as pale, as close to death as he had before. He sat down in the chair he’d been in before, and watched as Odysseus continued absently staring towards the door. By the time Briar had entered, closed the door, and sat down in the chair next to him… Nothing had changed. His best friend’s eyes were still unfocused, still staring at the door to the room with dried tear tracks on his face.

He was worried. He didn’t think he’d done nearly enough to help. He took a breath anyway, scooting himself closer and grabbing the bed’s railing with one hand. He watched his best friend carefully, trying to figure out when he could say something and be sure that Garvin would hear him. Trying to see the moment when awareness would come back.

Odysseus blinked, taking a deep, shaking breath as he did. Confusion laced his face for a moment, and then he blinked again a few times. The next breath he took almost sounded choked, just as shaky as the last had been. Gwyar took a breath of his own, and reached out with his hand not on the railing when new tears started collecting in Garvin’s eyes after he’d found them in the room again. He kept his voice soft, quiet, keeping eye contact as well as he could as he wiped at the tear tracks on his best friend’s face. “There you are, hey. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Odysseus leaned into his hand just as much as he almost always seemed to, if not even more than he almost always seemed to. His eyes still seemed distant, after all, more aware than they had been but still not all the way there yet. Gwyar didn’t let himself react, he simply took a breath and shifted closer. Watched as Garvin’s eyes found him and stayed on him before he spoke again. He still wasn’t sure what to really say. What he could say that would help. So he took a chance, and made sure his voice was still soft as he did so. “I think that Revan might be right.”

Confusion lit up his best friend’s face again, so Aries continued, clarifying. “Antidepressants could help. And I don’t know why you don’t want to take them or bring them up at all, and I’m not going to assume anything.” He paused, keeping his eyes on Garvin’s face. He looked a little less confused, he still seemed so… Far. He still seemed small. “I’m not going to ask if you don’t want to tell me why either. But please. Consider them as an option. I don’t…” He took a slow breath, kept his voice calm. “I don’t want to lose another person I care about like this.”

Odysseus blinked some more at that, with a look on his face that Gwyar hated, full of confusion and disbelief and guilt that Garvin shouldn’t have ever had any reason to feel. To get used to feeling when someone actually cared. So he wiped at the tear tracks again, before any new ones could start, and continued. Because he had to be honest. Because his best friend deserved that much from him. He deserved more, really. “I don’t… I don’t expect this to be the last time. Nothing I say or do, and nothing that you say or do could change… Years worth of shit. Not in one day. But I promise you, Nobody, you’re never going to wake up alone again.”

New tears did slip out then, and he leaned his head into his hand more. His voice was still as small as the last time he’d spoken. His eyes almost seemed more distant than they had before. “‘M s’rry.”

Aries didn’t say anything for a moment, just rubbed at the new tears slipping from his eyes carefully. He took a breath through his nose. “I’m not mad at you. No one’s mad at you.”

Odysseus only looked more confused, more guilty. More tears slipped, his face pressed against his hand. His next breath was shaky, chopped and almost choked. His voice was even smaller, even quieter. Like he didn’t even want to hear what he was saying. “…Sh-Should be.”

Gwyar closed his eyes for a moment, just to convince himself to not stand up then and there. To not storm out and hunt down whoever had convinced his best friend that this was something to be mad over. To hate him over. That wasn’t what Odysseus needed at the moment. He knew that. So he took a breath, opened his eyes, and continued to wipe at the tears. “But I’m not, and I never will be.”

Garvin’s voice was still small, still watery. His words meshed with how much he was pressing his face into his hand. “Y’hate m’if I— If I don’ star’ takin’ sumthin’?”

Aries didn’t really even have to think about that. “You’re my best friend. I could never hate you.” He took a breath, watched the shaky one that Odysseus took himself. “But at least consider bringing the topic up? I don’t want to lose you, your partners don’t want to lose you. Your friends don’t want to lose you.” Garvin’s eyes closed, squeezed shut as if the thought of people caring was too much. Gwyar continued anyway. “You have people that care about you now, people that don’t want to see you suffering. People that don’t want you to die. Or wake up alone. Regardless of what you choose, none of us will be mad, or hate you, or get rid of you. But please just consider the fact that you can take something that’ll help you.”

Odysseus was still softly crying, still squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his head against his hand. But he swallowed, took another shaking breath, and nodded. And that was progress enough for Gwyar, even if he doubted his best friend would decide to bring up the topic. Considering the idea at all was a start, and that was enough for him. So he shifted, keeping his hand where Garvin could keep his head pressed against his palm, and hummed to himself for a moment.

Then he smiled, as amused as he could manage. “Also, you made me a promise while you were still out.”

Garvin’s eyes opened again at that, brows furrowed and looking at him. He didn’t look as distant anymore. The look was a much better one than the ones that came before. His voice was still quiet, smushed against his palm. “Oh?”

Aries nodded. “Mmhm. Promised you’d read all of my Greek mythology books. Out loud. And I get to laugh if anything’s mispronounced.”

Odysseus huffed out a laugh. The sound was much more real than the last one had been. He rolled his eyes, closed them again. His voice had a little more volume than before, a little more of Garvin than before. His best friend smiled, small. But the smile was there, and that was enough for Gwyar. “Fine, sure.”

Whispers Cost | Discussion

November 25, 2024 12:02 AM