Alright, here's the story! Brace yourself, lmao.

Also, the ending's a bit off, but I wasn't sure how to finish it-

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Suicide Notes

Word Count; 2534

Characters; Briar, Stellan, Aries, Kyra, Lux, and Vee.

TWs; Self harm, suicide attempts and suicidal ideation, panic attacks, dissociation, derealization, self-hatrid, PTSD-related flashbacks, and probably more, I'm not really sure, it's just a lot. Like, seriously on this one, be careful.

Notes; Ummm. I mean, not too far off from what will happen after Briar and Aries get kicked out, I was just nice and let Stellan help here, lol. So, uh, yeah, not exactly, but the mindset is still there. I feel kinda bad. Oops. Sorry Briar, lol. Also, I hope I wrote Aries okay, haha

---

'To my dearest Aries,

I don't really know how to start this. I don't really know what to say. Except that I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't expect things to go like this, everything happened so fast, and you deserve so much better. God, I hate myself for doing this to you. You fucking sacrificed yourself for me and this is how I'm responding, this isn't not fair. This isn't not fair, I'm a bad person, a bad partner, and I'm so, so sorry for everything you've gone through because of me. I never meant to hurt you. I only ever wanted to make you happy, to make you smile, and I failed. I'm sorry. I'm too pathetic to even go out in a noble way. Shit, love, I'm so sorry.

Please, just hate me if you can. Hate me and find someone who will treat you better, who will love you like you deserve to be loved. Because you deserve the world. You deserve the fucking universe. I couldn't give that to you, but someone will.

I do love you. I hope you know that, even if I don't deserve to say that. I love you and I'm so sorry. Please, let the others help you and find a way to move on. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault. I swear. This is all on me.

I'm sorry.

- Briar'

---

Briar stood in the middle of the only empty room in the ship, the large storage room, surrounded by boxes with the single piece of paper clutched in their metal hand as tears ran pathetically down their cheeks. They were shaking, body and mind clashing as they tried to convince themself of what had to happen next.

They'd made it this far, right? Slipped out of the bed they shared with Aries, written down the note in chicken scratch, and hobbled down to the lower deck, narrowly avoiding a run-in with Stellan. They'd made it this far, so why was it so fucking hard to just hold up the knife and slice it across their throat or stab it into their heart? Why were they struggling?

God, they couldn't even die right!

Frustrated, Briar gritted their teeth and sank to the floor, dropping the note beside them to grab the knife with their other hand. Metal couldn't shake. It couldn't hesitate, it couldn't drop the knife, and it couldn't fuck things up.

And yet, after lifting the knife an inch, they still froze.

Aries face flashed in their mind and they let out a choaked sob, processing the horrified expression and pained eyes. They didn't want that. They didn't want Aries to hurt anymore. He'd already been through so much.

And the next second, that thought was turned upside down. Because Aries would be better off without them. Aries would hurt less once they were gone.

Right?

Frustration grew again and Briar sabbed down, burying the blade into the skin of their arm. Blood ran quickly, thick and ruby, and that helped. The pain helped.

Twisting the knife back out, Briar let out a sigh and nodded, closing their eyes.

They just had to decide how they wanted to do this, was all. They needed a target.

Heart or throat? Maybe stomach. But stomach would take too long. So heart or throat.

Sucking in one last, deep breath, they tightened their grip around the handle, reached up, and stabbed the blade into their chest.

Or they would have, if it weren't for the final, split-second of hesitation that caused the knife to lower just slightly.

Pain raced through Briar's whole body and they tipped over, crying out.

Time moved slower after that and their vision became unfocused as their breathing shallowed and their senses numbed.

---

Kyra groaned, sitting up in bed and grumbling with annoyance. Even after three hours she couldn't manage to get to sleep. Which meant it was time to give up and go annoy Lux while they drove because, obviously, there was nothing else to do.

Throwing on an oversized shirt and some long pants, Kyra made their way outside, only making it halfway down the hall before being stopped by a very clearly tired Aries.

"Um, Kyra, sorry, have you seen Briar anywhere?"

Raising an eyebrow, Kyra shook her head. "Nope, sorry, mate. Figured you two were sleepin'. I can help ya look for 'im if ya want! Was finna annoy Luxxy, but that can wait fer now, suppose."

"Oh, no, sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"'S alright! No worries! C'mon, le's fin' Boss, check the cockpit first, hm?" They grinned and then turned toward Vee's room, raising her voice. "Oi, Vee, get ya lazy ass up, we gotta find Boss!"

Aries flinched slightly. "Um..."

"No worries, mate, she'll get over it. C'mon!"

With that, Kyra trotted toward where she knew Lux and Stellan were both sitting at the front of the ship, smirking as they heard Vee shouting curses at her from down the hall. Of course she felt mildly bad for dragging Aries into it all, but they really couldn't resist the urge to annoy the hell out of their best friend.

A few moments later, Lux and Stellan came into view and she slowed, throwing a bright smile back toward Aries before approaching.

"Aye! Either of ya seen Boss 'round? Gone MIA, it seems."

Lux jumped slightly at the sound of her voice and Kyra chuckled, only falling quiet when Stellan shot her a warning look.

"No, they haven't been through here." Stellan replied, eyes softening as they fell on Aries. "When was the last time you saw them, kid?"

Aries fidgetted nervously before answering, eyes glued to the floor. "Right before I fell asleep, I... I think. Briar was there like usual, but I woke up and..." He shrugged helplessly. "They weren't there..."

Stellan hummed and stood up, patting Lux's shoulder lightly, only pausing as Vee stormed in, hair a mess and fists clenched, apparently she was so pissed that she hadn't even grabbed her eye cover. "Kyra."

"Lookin' sharp, mate!"

"Fuck you."

"Nah, I'm good."

Vee growled under her breath, but Stellan interrupted before she could speak again.

"Enough, you two. You can figure this out later. Let's focus on finding Briar for now, alright? Vee, you stay here with Lux and come get one of us if Briar wanders in. Kyra, you go check below deck, me and Aries will take the mess hall and training room." He smiled gently at Aries. "I'm sure they're fine, they probably just needed some breathing room for a while."

"Sure thing, Dad! One lower deck search comin' righ' up! Catch ya later, Veevee!"

"Don't call me that, asshat."

"Sure, babes!"

Giggling, Kyra raced out of the room before she could get smacked, heading straight for the lower deck. They weren't too worried about Briar. After all, Boss was the toughest person she knew, they'd gone through hell and come out alive! And become a fucking fantastic leader too! It was admirable. Besides, it was rare that Stellan was wrong about these things. They probably were just taking a break from everything.

This is what they thought until they saw the blood.

Dropplets first, like a cut or two, leading from the base of the stairs into the storage area, and then a pool as Kyra progressed. In the middle of that pool, pale, curled into themself, with a knife in their gut and a single piece of paper by their head, lay Briar. Their fearless leader, their saviour, and their friend.

At first, she froze, legs refusing to move as her eyes welled up, and then they were screaming. A gut-wrenching scream that tore through her whole body and undoubtedly echoed through the whole of the spaceship.

Her knees gave out and they were on the ground, hands covering their mouth as her eyes refused to move from the body before her. In and out of focus.

Their breathing accelerated and their hearbeat went haywire. Two words, over, and over, and over.

'Not again, not again, not again...'

Briar and Perdita. Too similar. Interchangeable now.

Bloody, smiling, lost.

Boss and twin.

Friend and other half.

Shit.

---

They could feel themself fading. So close to gone but still barely conscious.

It was taking too long. They knew that, even in their fuzzy mind. They should have been dead twenty minutes ago. Maybe more, they couldn't really tell how long it had been. It was all just taking too long.

At least the pain was gone now, turned into a low buzz of confusing feelings. Almost numbness, but not quite. More like the tingling in your legs right before they fall alseep completely. Annoying, painful if you move, but almost pleasant at the same time. And, though frustrated, they were almost content.

Until the scream.

It was distant, staticky, almost, but there. And that wasn't good.

Panicking slightly, Briar tried to make out who it was that had found them. Anyone was bad, but they had always known someone would have to. It was just too soon. They weren't dead yet.

They needed to die.

Especially if it was Aries. They couldn't see Aries again. Not ever. Because it would hurt too much to see him hurting.

Please not Aries.

As that thought circled, the vibrations of running footsteps pounded through their head and they could swear they felt the entire ship jolt, as if it had made a sudden stop. And then they thought they heard someone gasp. Or sob. They couldn't tell.

Their vision was too blurry, their hearing too muffled, and their heart, though slow, still far too fast when it should be stopped.

Shit.

A voice spoke, calm within the storm, and Briar's mind grasped for a name to match. Stellan, probably.

Hands cupped their cheek and fingers pressed against their neck.

Shit.

Red came into view. Red hair, red eyes. Fuzzy, but real.

No.

A large hand gently grabbed their metal one, pale skin glistening with tears, jaw clenched with panic.

Not Aries. Please not Aries.

Not now.

The other person touching them, presumably Stellan, moved and a face came into view. They were right.

His mouth moved and words that Briar couldn't make out formed, soft and gentle. Warm.

More movement. Fast and panicked.

Aries stayed in place.

Shit.

Why couldn't they be dead? They just wanted to be dead!

Moments later, maybe minutes, and Vee came into view as well, holding out a bag that Briar could only assume was the one Stellan carried all his medical supplies in.

They were moved, pain shooting through their body as they were rolled over, and Aries finally moved too. Only to reappear at their head, running a hand gently through their hair.

Then he pasued, eyes drifting to the side. One hand moved, grasping something white.

Oh god.

Stellan reached out and gently took it, saying something else and nodding slightly. Aries seemed to hesitate before looking down at them. Their eyes locked, though Briar wasn't sure whether or not the contact was percived, with how much their vision hazed in and out.

This was a mess.

Pain shot through their system again and they felt their mouth open to cry out, though whether any sound came out, they weren't sure.

For a split second, everything was crystal clear, and then, it all went black.

---

"Vee, get my medical bag, please. It's in the cockpit three paces to the right of the captain's chair, leaning against my stool. As quickly as you can, please."

Vee wasn't sure what exactly was going on, but, based on the chaos around her, she guessed her lack of vision was a thing of luck today. So, turning once more, she raced up the stairs as quickly as she could manage to retrieve what Stellan had asked for, once again grateful for her ability to scout out mental maps quickly.

When Kyra had screamed, everything had come to a full stop for several seconds. The room she shared with Lux seeming to drain of air as they slammed on the breaks (thanks to the incredible technology for allowing the ship to follow commands quickly and without buffer), and then Lux was running and all Vee could do was follow the sound of their footsteps, nearly tripping several times.

She only steadied when Stellan caught up and grabbed her waist to keep her upright, giving a verbal warning before they hit the stairs (thank god). She was fast, but her brain wasn't so fast that it could remember every route and also make out what the hell was actually going on in a split second. Unfortunately.

And then everyone was down stairs and the noise was overwhelming. Kyra was breathing rapidly, evidently fully spiraling, Lux was sobbing, but, by the sound of it, was also making a vain attempt at comforting Kyra, Stellan had released her and was now speaking in a voice that sounded calm but held an undertone of panic.

"They're breathing." He said. "They're alive."

And while Vee knew Aries was there (she had heard him rush past in the hall), he was dead silent.

Which could only mean that something had happened to Briar. Which wasn't good.

Grabbing the medic bag for Stellan, she hurried back downstairs, stumbling toward the sound of Stellan's voice and extending the bag, wincing when she felt warm liquid soak her shoe. It must be blood.

"Thank you, Vee. Alright, I need you to move, Aries, I'm sorry, I need space to work." A pause, some shuffling, and then, "Thank you."

Vee shifted awkwardly, noting the sound of a continued panic attack from Kyra and the slightly more normal breathing from Lux, who was now speaking softly. She wished she could help, but she had no idea how to deal with shit like this.

"Aries, put that down," Her head snapped back toward Stellan as she picked up on the slightly more panicked tone. "It's alright, don't worry about reading that. They'll be okay, there's no reason for it."

Reading?

And then it clicked.

Vee's throat tightened and she took a step back, a wave of emotion hitting her all at once.

With a renewed need to help, she turned and rushed back toward where she heard Kyra, dropping down in front of her. "Lux, let me."

"Sure."

There was shuffling and then she felt Lux walk past her. Reaching out, Vee carefully felt out where Kyra's hands were and grasped them in her own, pulling the other toward her slightly.

"It's alright, K, it's not her. It's not happening again. Briar's still here, they'll be just fine, Stellan's helping them right now. I promise. Try to focus on your breathing. Match me if you can, yeah? Everything's going to be fine. I've got you."

It took a few minutes, but Kyra eventually relaxed into her, frantic breathing turning into muffled sobs. "I don' wanna l-lose anyone else, Veevee..."

Vee adjusted, wrapping her arms around her friend's shoulders and burying her nose in their hair. "I know," She breathed, feeling her own hands shaking slightly. "You won't."

And, god, she really hoped she wasn't lying.