Simple, go outside pick a piece of grass and bring it inside. Take it to your sink, give it a bath. Bring to your room, and make a little collar for it, name is Niska. Immediately throw the blade of grass out the window.

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How would I climb a tree properly?

... Use those mushy flesh paws of yours and impressive upper body strength to defy gravity?

Oh! Jump on those little ones, the broccolis!

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How does one identify a rubber duck compared to a real one?

You see, with duckies it is a risky business, when you see one you need to throw them into the ceiling and name them, once you kick them eleventeen times and sit on a whiteboard. Then you must cry. And when the duck turns into a loaf of bread, eat it.

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How do you race a horse?

kick, kick, run

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how to stop turning into a can of soup

Alright you need to stop, drop and roll. And I think the best you can do is...-

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How does frog roll over?

First you have to cut off his legs and cook them! Then he should be able to roll!

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How to play a song?

Give a duck a stabby thing and than run from a cow

how I find whom I am and what humans are for all

You need to watch a super cringy drama anime show for 24+ hours and suffer during it.

How do I stop being stupid?

Run into a wall and spout out the entire shrek script.

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How do I scream?

Open your mouth.

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How do I stop my superiority complex?