I didn't know how to react to what she said so instead I focused on comforting her. "It's fine Kaolin, I've had PTSD for a long time and at first didn't want to accept it. I never came close to killing myself though, only harming myself through bruises and soreness to last days because they aren't wounds and take a while to heal since they are so sensitive," I explained I moved so I was laying next to her instead, I pulled her closer to me "I've heard a lot of shitty things come out of the mouths of people I love, it may hurt to hear it come out of your mouth the most, but I know you didn't mean it," I said hugging her close to me. "I wasn't saying you have PTSD, I was saying there is a chance because everyone handles it differently. It's a type of trauma if that makes you feel better, so if your is different from mine it's not PTSD." I said reassuring her. "Now can we cuddle because we both probably need some reassuring after that," I said as I wanted to hug her tighter but at the moment i waited for her response and my grip was light enough she could slip out of she wanted.

This time i was able to hold my tongue even though i wanted to say, 'Yeah but it seemed like it. It felt like i was loosing my brother all over again.' I managed not to say that though and instead i began trying to listen to Tobey. I knew what he said was true but it was hard to listen and accept he was right. I felt slightly better when he moved to my side and hugged me gently but i still felt horrible. I let tears flowed down my face as i nodded at Tobey's question, "Yes, i want cuddles." I pulled my body against his and hugged him tight. "Im sorry i hurt you." I said though it was muffled because i was literally digging my head into him. I held back slightly though so i wouldn't hurt him on accident. "Ill never, ever say that again." I mumbled. I felt so bad, yet there was nothing i could do to fix my mistake like usual. "Im so sorry." I breathed. All i wanted to do was cry, but i knew he didn't like me crying so i held it in. I didn't want to hurt him even more than i already had.

i hugged her tighter when she buried herself into me. "We can't always control what we do or say no metter what everyone says. Impulse can make us say and do things that we eventually regret." I said as a I hugged her "You can cry, it doesn't hurt as much knowing you are safe in my arms as being forced to watch you and not knowing what's wrong." I explained as I rubbed her back and began to hum.

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sorry for the inconsistent writing responses im on and off wolfplay right now reading a book

My mom would disagree with Tobey on what he said but i wasn't sure who was right anymore. I loved them both so it was hard to pick who i thought was right. I heard what Tobey said even though i was deep in thought but really was to busy thinking to cry at the moment. Mom would get upset if i didn't believe her anymore where as i knew Tobey would accept me for who i was. That made me lean toward mom's side but then i remembered that mom wasn't here, and i was safe from her judgment....atleast for the moment. At that point i kinda just forgot what i was debating. That's when i realized Tobey was humming and rubbing my back. I closed my eyes and relaxed, melting into Tobey.

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When i was totally calm and had just been laying there for a long while, about an hour, i looked up at Tobey, a question on my mind. "Tobey." I started, getting his attention. "I have a question and ill try not to get emotional." I said with a smile. "How are you so comfortable with letting people into how you think? When you write you write honestly right? It seems that way with the small parts ive read. And yet you let me, your brothers, our child, or as you wanted, children." I teased him with the last part though it was half-heartedly. "And future people to read it. How do you open up so much? Letting others see your weaknesses. Especially when it's your own child that i presume you want to be a role model to?" I asked. I really wanted to know. I wanted to know his secret. I paused "Sorry if your just trying to relax and im bothering you though. Or if you dont want to get into it." I apologized, realizing that may be the case.

i laughed when she emphasized children. "I say children because even this wasn't planned, so you never know how many you will end up with. I mean look at all the precautions we took and you still got pregnant," I joked "but I open up so well because I don't really care of what people think of me. If they see me as a monster that is their view, not mine. I can't control what people think of me, not everyone will like me. The best I can do is show them who I really am and let them judge that, because no matter how much they judge me they can't change me for who I am." I said "and about the weaknesses, everyone has them. I want our children and I even want to make my brothers aware that weaknesses are part of life. All you can do to protect them is get better at what you do best, that way you can turn to that instead of focusing on something you can't avoid. If I'm being honest you are my weakness, I would do anything for you and I know I would breakdown if anything happened to you. Once the child is born I will Have 2 weaknesses, but I know you are safe and in a safe place," I explained "it's all about understanding your weakness and what comforts you knowing that weakness is protected."

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you are completely fine. I go very in depth with things and it can make them really long, this is an example.

I honestly was once again amazed with Tobey's words. He spoke like it was the only truth in the world and that he was without a doubt right. At first i didn't even know what to say. How could one even respond to that? Just then an idea popped into my head, the only good way to deal with this. I hugged him and squeezed him with a smile, "Your the best. And im once again speechless." I said nuzzling into him. "But i know one thing, your my role model." I paused remembering he was a little bit embarrassed when i would flatter him. "Sorry, flattery is one of my strengths when i want it to be. So i suggest you not listen to me with what im about to say." I said with a smile, looking up at him.

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"I want to be able to be unashamed like you are and not care what people think. I can only dream to be a strong warrior like you are. I hope one day i can be even half as amazing as you are. You teach me i dont have to be perfect like everyone wants me to be. I just love you so much i don't even know what to do." I said squeezing him once more. I then pushed myself up so i was face to face with him. I gave him a soft kiss before continuing to talk. "You can listen to me now." I teased. "But anyways i want to be able to open up more, especially with you so i decided im going to write, just like you do. Then you can read it and hopefully, eventually ill be more comfortable with opening up."

I still listened despite her saying I probably shouldn't, my cheeks were dusted with a light blush by the end of it. As she predicted I would be flustered, I still wasn't used to compliments from anyone but my father or parents who were glad I brought their kid home safe. Coming from a lover who looks up to me it just hit different, I never knew how to act when others looked up to me. I stayed silent as I was flustered I hugged and lay my head against the pillow in a pout, not knowing what to do.

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im thinking of writing a peice that shows the origins and what caused Tobey's PTSD but it is going to be LONG so don't expect it soon. I have a very in-depth idea and a few others that involve water that will be included.

I couldn't help but giggle when Tobey began to pout, clearly not knowing what to do. "Your the only person i know who will pout, just because i flattered them and look up to them." I said in a teasing tone, leaning my face close to his with a somewhat evil smile. "I told you not to listen and yet you did. So that's your own fault, love." I teased him more. I instantly paused for a second, it felt weird to say love, to him. Of course i was used to hearing it, and feeling that way towards him but not actually saying it out loud. "I love you but your going to have a heck of a time if you dont learn how to deal with being looked up to, because i can guarantee our child will feel the same way about you that i do, of course not exactly like me but you know what i mean." I said, still thinking he was acting just halrious. Just to tease him more i brushed my nose against his before pulling away. "When i was little that's what mom would do to say i love you without talking." I had no idea why i said that or brought that up except it was having myself open up slightly. "But it's a secret." I teased.

I stayed silent even longer, not saying a word and just listening to our breathing. If I was being honest that alone made me tired, I felt my eyes wanting to shut but I fought them. I continued to pour the entire time, "and. You are going to help me with that," I mumbled before feeling my head hit the pillow. My eyes were resting but I could still hear perfectly fine. I listened to her every word "I love you too, was all I managed to get out before I passed out, I was tired with no idea why.

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im headed to bed goodnight

I was about to say something when i realized Tobey had fallen asleep....Why? How? What?! I just layed there for a second, staring at him. Finally i got bored so i carefully sat up and crawled out of bed. I was very careful not to wake him. Once i was safely to the ground i got my notebook and pencil. "This will have to do for now because i have nothing eles. Ill have Tobey get me a proper book later." I mumbled to myself as i sat against the bed's frame.

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I opened the notebook to a empty page before just staring at it. I really did want to write but had no idea where to start. Sure i could begin with my life stuff, before i moved here, but i didn't feel very comfortable with that yet. After what seemed like forever and alot of staring i decided to start on the day i met Tobey. He could experience how i felt back then. He could see how different i felt back then compared to now. Even though it had only been two months of knowing him i had changed alot. "After i get caught up of where we are currently, then ill go back and tell my story, what made me the way i am. I will be more comfortable by then....right?" I asked myself. I shoved the thought down before starting on writing.