Welcome Welcome. I needed a place to rant at 2 AM, and I currently have no one to turn to because of the topic at hand. So here I am.
I've had a friend, someone I considered my best friend, for probably the last 3-4 years, I honestly don't know exactly how long it's been since we've met, but I know it was after my husband and I started dating 5.5 years ago. Anyways, we met online through a game, as a lot of friendships happen, and we talked and gamed regularly. It took about a year, pretty much right before Covid, before I became her best friend. There are reasons for that, but mostly being that she, at the time, had a habit of surrounding herself with guys who would give her attention, but eventually would feel lead on and leave. [Her and I have talked about this, it's not slander, she's admitted it.] Whereas I was the only girl, who's a bit over 3 years older than her, who was around her.
Eventually, I became her best friend, and she mine. I was her rock, she was mine. I always was there for her when she needed comfort and advise, and I always did my best to be unbiased when giving her advise so she could make decisions and what not on her own. Something she had an issue with when others would just try and force their opinions on her. Majority of her issues stemmed around her boyfriend, who, to put it simply, I genuinely hate with a passion. And I don't say that about many people, he's one of the few. I genuinely couldn't stand him, but she would lash out if anyone spoke poorly of him, so I merely tried to give her help and advise that would urge her to stand up for herself and her feelings. I did my best to help build her up so she could learn to enforce boundaries, put her needs and wants first now and then, and just over all not be used as a doormat for people [mainly her boyfriend].
For years we were best friends. We made time for each other. It didn't matter how busy we were, we always made time for each other. There wasn't mountains we wouldn't move to make sure we got to spend time together. But, as things do, that all changed this past year.
She came down to visit in October of 2021, and let me know that she and her family were planning on moving, and starting this whole hobby farm thing in a new area of their state. I was happy for her because she was happy, it didn't matter to me where she was or what she was doing, as long as she was happy. Cue some of the most stressful months leading up to January 2022. Every single day it seemed she would call me, either pissed or crying her eyes out or both. And every single time I did my best to be someone of comfort, and a place she could feel safe and at ease when she was feeling like crap because of how her boyfriend [who had decided to not move with them] was treating her. This was for months though. Almost every single day I felt like I was drowning in her own agony. I was completely spent, because, despite her tears and the anger, she would do nothing. She's cry and moan about the same thing every day, but would take no action to do anything. Which I understand is her choice, but having to deal with her, to put it bluntly, drama day in and day out took a toll on me mentally and I was drained completely.
So when she finally moved to their new place, I thought things would get better. And for a brief period of time they did. She didn't have internet so we mostly called each other or texted. Eventually, though, she did get internet, and we'd game here and there. But, that's when things kind of completely fell apart. She had a hard time adjusting to my new schedule when I started working nights, and would get frustrated when I would be sleeping during the day. So, I would try to accomodate by going to bed later, or waking up at an earlier time, or even taking a day off here and there to try and make more time. I didn't mind. She was my best friend, I wanted to spend time with her too. However, the same didn't apply when she got busy. She'd go without talking to me, she'd claim she couldn't get on because she was too busy. Which is fine, I don't mind, I get it. Then one day we all made plans to get on together and game, something that hasn't happened for over a year. Our little group of four was going to get on the same day like old times. It was going to be great. Except it wasn't.
That morning she texted me to let me know she was driving down to her boyfriends instead, so she wouldn't be on. I was hurt and angry because we hadn't had time for each other in weeks, except for literally the night prior, and we had made plans, all of us, and she had agreed. These weren't plans she had, she even said she just needed to go. It didn't matter that she was canceling on all three of us for someone who literally had made her cry two days ago. It didn't matter to her at all that the consequences of her actions was that she hurt all of us a little because we were all excited and looking forward to it, and she bailed on us for someone who genuinely treats her poorly. Then she got mad when we were upset with her and expressed it to each other.
Shortly after that, the next thing happened that has been hard recovering from. But I found out my husband and her were talking about me behind my back. My husband would simply look to her for advise on things, whereas she would bitch and complain about every little thing I did that annoyed her. It wasn't just venting though, it went beyond that. It's hard to explain, but there's a difference between just venting and seeking advise and actually just bitching about someone or complaining or insulting them. My husband never crossed that line, but what he did do was never defend me even if he knew the situation she was talking about and understood why I was upset or acting a certain why. He would just go along and agree with her. Truthfully, my husband and I have talked about this and moved past it. He understood that, while he hadn't thought he had done anything wrong that it had hurt me anyways, and he was happy to do whatever I needed to make me feel comfortable again. Her though? She tried to brush it under the rug, make it out to seem like it was no big deal. Not once did she apologize for even just hurting my feelings. She showed no remorse, nothing. But it's whatever, I forgave her anyways and moved on.
I suppose I should have just given up on our friendship then. But I like to kick dead horses sometimes, yanno? Can't just give up.
Things never really got better. She continued to never make time, always saying she was busy, but then take four days every other week to go see her boyfriend. But couldn't even just get done for the day an hour early. By the way, when I say that, I don't mean her job. She doesn't have one. Hasn't for a year. I mean working around their house and the land. Which I know is a full time job itself. I just asked for maybe an extra hour or two once or month or something. Just so we'd get a little more time than a couple of hours. This was never doable for her. She just couldn't do it. She was always just too busy for it. She couldn't even explain it when I asked how she could be two busy for an extra hour with me, but not for four days with her boyfriend. Eventually I just realized that if she wanted to, she wouldn't, so she just didn't care to anymore. I tried to accept that. I was just happy getting time with my best friend whenever I could.
Keep in mind, up until today, I still considered her my best friend.
Well. In August I noticed I hadn't heard from her in about a week, despite multiple attempts to contact her. I was worried, yanno? She wouldn't even reply to let me know she was okay. So I messaged her mom. I just wanted to know she was alive, that nothing had happened to her. I was assured she was okay. She was just dealing with some things. Okay. No problem. I'm here if she needs me.
A week passes. Nothing. Again. Now I'm just worried for her mental health. I know her, and I know her well. She dips out whenever things are stressful for her. She isolates herself. I was worried for her, because I know her history with her mental health. I don't want to air her issues out, but I genuinely was afraid I'd never hear from her again. And since I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't gauge how bad it was. So, I will admit, I goaded her a bit into replying to me. I wasn't necessarily mean, but I called her out on how Isolating herself from people who care about her isn't something I would consider healthy. And that just dipping out on people, especially those worried about her, is kind of a crappy thing to do. And she knows this, she's admitted it. But It wasn't a mean text, it was me expressing that we promised to be open and honest with each other and to do better than what we've been recently, and this wasn't that. So gentle but firm? Idk how to describe it. But I think you get it. But it worked. She responded, and let me know that what had happened was her and her boyfriend broke up and she needed time and space to kind of figure things out. Which I understood. Sure, I didn't like the guy, but I understand that it still sucks for her to go through this. So I immediately switched into supportive friend mode, and let her know I was here for her, whatever she needed in any capacity. She could have her space and time, I'd be happy to give it her, but whatever she needed from me, I'd do.
After that she'd give me little updates [because I asked] just letting me know she was doing okay. Eventually we even had a conversation, and it felt like how things felt before everything last year. And it was nice. She checked in one more time after that, and then radio silence. I held up on my word though, and I gave her space. I didn't text or bother her, nothing. I let her be.
It's been 23 days now? Somewhere around there. And I haven't heard anything from her. So a couple of days ago I texted her just to ask if she could let me know she was still okay, still alive, yanno? Not a conversation, just let me know. Nothing. Not even just a thumbs up. So I waited a few days, still nothing. At first I was worried, except that I can see that she's been on facebook, or been on Steam playing a video game, etc. So I know she's alive. She just won't answer me, and I don't know why. I just want to know she's okay.
Now, I was worried my phone's texts weren't getting through. It's an issue I've had with my husbands own phone where about once a week he has to restart it because he'll stop receiving my texts, but I'll still receive his. We're not sure if it's just his phone or not, but I thought perhaps that was happening with her phone. So, I messaged her on Snapchat, because then I can see that she's gotten it and opened it, I can rest assured she's gotten my message. Surely she'll respond now, right? Apparently not. I checked my snapchat a bit ago, and it shows she opened it over an hour ago and didn't reply.
So now I'm sitting her confused, hurt, and kind of angry. I understand she needs time to heal and figure things out, I made it entirely clear every time I spoke to her that I didn't need anything more than just basically proof of life. I don't think I'm a bad friend for just wanting to make sure she's not dead [I'm not being dramatic, there's a variety of reasons why I just want to make sure she's still breathing]. I don't know what I did, though, that would make her just blatantly ignore me. I haven't even had any interaction with her at all in the past 30 days to have done anything to her to make her angry or upset with me.
Now, I know some people will say "oh she just needs time, she'll come around when she's ready." And sure, maybe you're right. But I couldn't imagine just ghosting any of my friends, let alone my best friend. If she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, that's fine. I'm an adult, it's not the end of the world for me. But I feel like after everything we've been through... I feel like I'm at least worthy of being told that. Maybe even a vague or brief explanation of why? I don't know.
I don't even know what I'm looking for here. I don't know if it's advice, or just to vent, or just to have someone to talk to. All I know is I do feel a bit empty because I feel like I lost a fight that I didn't even know I was supposed to be fighting. Like the carpets been ripped out from beneath me. Maybe someone can help me make sense of it all. Or just tell me I did what I could, and it's not my fault. Because, while you all don't know all of it, the whole story, I do, and I like to think I tried really, really hard to be the best best friend I could be.
I'm sorry for how long this is.
Spring 
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Clear Moon: 
