Closed | September 6, 2021 06:07 PM | |
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Edited at October 5, 2021 06:55 PM by Freedom
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Closed | September 9, 2021 04:35 PM | |
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yo- i would like to hear thoughts on any of the characters in my blog under 'original characters' if it's no biggie :)
also, hello to everyone :D
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:33 PM | |
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Okay, I think he looks pretty well-done. You might be pushing the 'intimidating' a little hard in the physical description, but sometimes that's necessary to make sure people actually get it. A nitpick about the personality, on the second sentence of the second paragraph, the words 'All though' should be combined to 'Although'. The first sentence of the fourth paragraph doesn't flow too well, it fels kind of choppy and forced. Maybe try something more like 'Dorin loves the rush of adrenaline life can give'. Otherwise, he seems good! Edited at September 9, 2021 05:34 PM by Canis Inanis
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:37 PM | |
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gotcha! i still have an issue with having sentences flow into themselves or into others. the 'although' will be fixed - i sometimes forget to check on those :P thank you for the feedback!
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:39 PM | |
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No problem! Glad to help.
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:41 PM | |
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if you want, you can look through the others as well :)
note that me typing in lowercase is strictly for aesthetic purposes lmao. that's why some forms aren't capitalized versus ones that are
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:44 PM | |
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I get that. I will check your other stuff out then, because I am bored.
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:44 PM | |
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lmao, alright. have fun trying to disect them-
i might take a peek at some of your stuff as well~
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:46 PM | |
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Well, all of my stuff is on the forums, so at least it's all consolidated?
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Closed | September 9, 2021 05:56 PM | |
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Dorin - Since the appearance is covered by a photo, I think that should be fine and the description adds to it a bit. Your words are all spelled together and your grammar is very good, though one thing I would reccomend is changing things like "does not" and "he will" to "doesn't" and "he'll" to make it read more easily. Overall, you did a really great job of keeping the personality consistent and adding depth to what otherwise might have been a totally unrelatable character. I must admit, I'm a sucker for wild yet noble characters, and you did a great job with Dorin. His picture's also amazing. So, yeah, besides a few grammatical errors, he's awesome. Marilyn Daniels - You did a very good job of a thorough description, and added some personality in the appearance section - I always like that. It shows how their appearance influences who they are. I would highly reccomend you capitalize the proper names and beginnings of sentences, just because it reads a bit weirdly. You also might want to add some more major flaws since most of your description has been positive - for instance, since she hates liars maybe she's a bit paranoid about people lying. Or since she's overprotective she might not let her friends fight their own battles. I'd also like to see you explore her self-confidence more, since I got mixed signals on how she feels about herself. For instance, this sentence seems to contradict itself: "marilyn presents herself in a way that demands eyes on her, though she truly doesn't care if you notice her or not." But I'm really glad you did a sweet character - those can be so rare sometimes. She's a complex and intriguing person, and she feels very in-depth and real. She's one of those character who people can actually interact with. Chris: Wonderful description for the appearance, as usual. One of two grammatical mistakes, but the layout is very nice. Chris is a great character, and I trust that as a roleplayer you're capable of having him interact with people despite that secretive and slightly selfish personality of his. I personally might add a few tidbits alluding to his past, just because secrets so rarely actually get revealed in-RP, but that's at your dicretion. Just remember that if you get too edgy it sometimes turns people off. Again, Chris is a realistic and complex character who's easy to imagine and to interact with, and very well-written. Selene: The description is great, and I especially love the tooth necklaces (you can specify bear earlier, maybe, for a second I thought it was human teeth :) Again, I reccomend capitalizing where neccesary. One sentence I would reccomend editing it "she was raised in a household of men, so being serious was an honest thing for them." I don't know that men are known for being serious, so maybe do something like "she was raised in a household of very serious men" or even just replace the "so" with "and." I love Selene's personality, and she has a nice balance of flaws and virtues. She's also the kind of person who will interact well with other characters, I think, and in an interesting way. Dakota: The appearance is good, but I did notice several times where you repeated yourself. For instance: "dakota is nothing more than a slim, slightly lean, tall woman who sometimes appear more confident than she really is. as already stated, dakota is rather slim and leans toward the skinnier side." There are also more grammatical and spelling errors on her than any of the others. She's a great character and as complex as the others. One thing I would watch out for, though, is the "lone wolf" aspect of her personality. This could make her difficult to RP with, and others in the RP might be straining to include her. I'm not saying you have to change it, just be aware and RP accordingly. The rest of her personality is great, and she sounds like someone who's gonna make plot points happen :) A few themes I noticed throughout your characters: freckles, overprotectiveness, savage rebukes. Just in case you're curious :)
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