Short Story; Passing Forgiveness
Irfam, age 25
Alvis/Al (fiancé), age 26 (deceased at 21)
Fida (Al’s younger brother), age 15
TWs include Unreliable Narrator(Is this a TW? It is now), Hallucinations, Delusions, Implied PTSD, Suicidal Ideation, Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death. Let me know if I need to tag anything else for this one.
*~*~*~*
It had been one of those days. And, really, it wasn’t anything new. Irfam was used to this, he should be used to this. Waking up and scrambling for air, for purchase at his face to make sure it wasn’t melting off his skull. Finally managing to catch his breath and put his mask on, always first, and get ready for the day with varying degrees of… Everything. He hadn’t had much energy lately. Pewters’ incessant bickering had become the deciding factor on whether he actually got up at this point, apparently. He’d just been tired recently. Which was better than what he deserved.
-
Still, his sister Angelita had somehow convinced him to go outside somewhere today. Apparently everything he owned had gone bad by now or something. Truth be told, he hadn’t really planned on getting groceries. Not like he was going to be eating it anytime soon. Did decaying bodies need food anyways? He wasn’t sure. It was a question for another time, probably, when he actually cared enough to find the answer. Either way, he wasn’t sure on what he should actually be doing outside. He’d really rather be in bed still. He’d rather never get out of bed just in general. Allow his already decaying body to just go completely. But no, he had to get up because Angelita wouldn’t stop fussing. He had half a mind to be annoyed.
-
Regardless, he’d ended up just walking, seeing where he’d find himself, paying attention just enough to not trip over anything on the ground as he went. So, in his defense, it wasn’t like he had planned on going to the cemetery. Nor had he planned on visiting Alvis’ grave. It was just what had happened. Irfam hadn’t even noticed where he was until he’d read the name on the stone. And, well, at that point it just wasn’t right to leave. It’d be disrespectful… Or… Something… He wasn’t sure. He just knew he hadn’t done a good job at paying respects or whatever one was supposed to do. He hadn’t gone to the funeral. Al’s family, the family that would’ve been his too if Al hadn’t died, had waited until he would’ve been able to and he still hadn’t gone. He’d visited maybe once, a few years back. Pewter and Rue and Angelita coming with him in a relative silence that he wasn’t used to. He couldn’t even really remember what had happened. Pewter had said something, probably, the cat always had something to say. He hadn’t seen any of Al’s family since… Well, since before what happened. They’d tried, probably. He couldn’t find it in him to see them. Not after what he’d done. He couldn’t.
-
So, one could maybe understand his reaction when he saw Alvis’ younger brother Fida approaching the grave too before slowing down at the sight of him. For a split moment, Irfam was reminded of how similar Al had looked to Fida, with their shared blonde hair and blue-green eyes… But then Fida had stopped approaching completely, staring at him with something in his eyes that made Irfam want to shrivel and sink deep into the ground. That reminded Irfam of the bit of amber that had existed in Al’s own eyes, of the less saturated nature of Alvis’ hair compared to the vibrant blonde before him, of all the differences that made the small similarities drip away like the acid he sometimes heard.
-
“...Irfam?” The voice was soft, definitely softer than he deserved. It still managed to shock him into looking over, unsure if he had missed something happening. He wasn’t used to… He hadn’t exactly been social in… A while… What did… What was he even supposed to say?
-
Silence stretched for a moment, his mind spinning as he tried to think of something, anything, to say. It stretched on, and in desperation to get rid of it, he managed to say, “Do your parents know you’re here? Where are they?” The questions were stilted, he could tell that much. But it was valid, wasn’t it? Fida hadn’t been older than… What, 10? 11? When Irfam had last seen him. And one never could be too careful, there was plenty that could happen if one wasn’t.
-
Fida stared at him though, eyes narrowed. Maybe he was staring through him. Could that be possible? He didn’t get to consider it for long.
-
“They’re, uh, they’re at home… Yeah.” For a moment, Irfam had considered letting it end there. Had considered going over and getting Fida to go home. He hadn’t. Instead, Fida had continued after another slight of silence. “What does it matter? They know I spend a lot of time here. They can guess. I’m 15 anyways, I’m fine. I don’t need them following me around wherever I go.”
-
There was a certain bitterness to the words, and Irfam had allowed himself to decide that was why he cringed at the words. Fida stared at him, or through him, as if trying to gauge his reaction behind the mask he wore, and Irfam tried to come up with something. The responsible thing to do would probably be to get Fida home, to try and explain that his parents just cared, that it was good that they were trying to keep an eye on him. Irfam had never been known to be responsible, though. So, he’d stood there, staring right back at the younger brother of his late fiance and trying to figure out how to… How was he supposed to say anything? How was he supposed to face him?
-
“What are you doing here anyways? What happened to your eyes?” Irfam startled back, realizing he’d started staring at the ground instead. His eyes…? Oh, yeah. Fida wouldn’t have known about his eyes. He hadn’t seen him for… Years… Yeah…
-
He shrugged, and tried clearing his throat to find his voice. “The cybernetics? Uh, yeah, haha… Thought that a change was in order is all!” He paused, drifting to silence as he failed to think of anything else to say. He hadn’t even meant to come here. But it wasn’t like he could say that. Not to Fida. Or anyone. He shifted his weight around on his feet, flexed his hand holding the top of his cane that Beel had pointed out he should take with him, and tried to think. Fida shouldn’t be carrying the conversation anyways. That just wasn’t fair to him, Irfam was like a whole decade older than him. “So! Uh… Mm… What have you been up to..?”
-
Fida looked a bit confused at that, which… Okay, maybe that was fair. Irfam wasn’t sure what he was doing, to be honest. He’d already lied about the reason behind the cybernetic eyes anyways though, so what did it matter? He was figuring it out. As he went, probably. It was good enough for him.
-
“It shouldn’t be.”
-
Irfam glanced over at the sound of Pewter’s voice, and stared at him in disdain. The cat really shouldn’t be able to read his mind like that. He had a whole ability to keep people from doing that sort of thing. And Pewter was a cat!... Maybe that’s why he could. He was a cat and not a person. That would make sense, right? Still, he didn’t exactly ask for Pewter’s opinion. So he narrowed his eyes and hissed out a quiet, “Well, no one asked you.”
-
“Uhm… Irfam..?” He jerked his head over to look at Fida, who looked even more confused now, eyes narrowed and darting between him and where Pewter sat beside him. Probably wasn’t used to a talking cat. Not that Irfam blamed him, Pewter was the only talking cat he’d ever met too. He wasn’t sure if there were any others like him.
-
After a few seconds of watching Fida, he ventured a small, “...Yes?”
-
Fida stopped looking back and forth, voice stilted and unsure, “Who, uh, who are you..talking to?”
-
Irfam tilted his head, eyes narrowing as he glanced at Pewter before looking back at Fida. “Oh, uh, that’s Pewter. You can just ignore him though.”
-
“Well, isn’t that rude.”
-
“Oh, uhm, right, okay…”
-
Irfam blinked as the two responded in time. And then he rolled his eyes at what Pewter had said, as if the cat wasn’t just as rude. Which, thinking of– “So… Fida. What have you been up to?”
-
Fida looked a bit awkward, probably concerned that Pewter would interrupt him before he got a chance to speak again, and then cleared his throat. “I’ve uh… Not much… School’s been really busy for me.”
-
Irfam nodded, trying to ignore how awkward this was. He’d been so good at this before. Fida had been so easy to talk to. “That makes sense. Uh. School always sucked. Uhm… What about, uh…” He paused, trying to think of something to say. He was terrible at this. Sinking into the ground and staying there was definitely more appealing. “...Uh… Mmm… When you’re not busy with school..?”
-
“Wow, your social skills are horrendous. You might as well as just kill yourself.” Pointedly, he ignored Pewter. “You know, if there’s even anything to kill.”
-
Fida’s voice came as a pleasant distraction from Pewter’s words, “Uh… I usually come here.”
-
Nevermind. That was just as bad. He was so bad at this. Absolutely pathetic. What was he even doing here? He shouldn’t have come here. He should’ve just done the pointless grocery shopping. He’s never seen Angelita eating but she had to be at some point, so he could just buy food for her or something. It wouldn’t be completely pointless. Right? It would at least be better than this, than hearing Fida talk about visiting Al’s grave whenever he wasn’t at school. What was he even supposed to say? To that or anything else? He shifted his weight around again.
-
Fida looked about as awkward with all of this as he felt, at least. So maybe he wasn’t sure how to go about this either. Especially since Pewter showed up, which was fair. Irfam wasn’t sure how Pewter had even got here, he was pretty sure he’d closed the door behind him when he left. Less sure about if he’d locked it, but he assumed he had. Or, at least, he would’ve. But had he? Pewter was here somehow. Maybe he should leave to go check. He should probably leave. He wasn’t even sure why he was here to begin with.
-
So, Irfam managed to clear his throat, shifting a bit, beginning to walk away from the grave. “Well, uh… It was, uh… I should probably get going, is all. Pewter shouldn’t’ve been able to get out so… You know…” He trailed off, walking past Fida and trying not to feel too much like he was fleeing.
-
“About time you left. This was obviously supposed to be his time alone with his brother. Some people actually grieve, unlike you.”
-
He cast a glance at Pewter, torn between apologizing to Fida and telling the cat to shut up. A hand wrapping around his arm made him tense, nausea settling in his stomach for a moment before he realized it was Fida. He turned to look at him, at the awkward concern staring at him. Through him. Something.
-
“Irfam, are you, uh…” Fida paused, as if trying to figure out how to word something, “Are you— Did you— Did you stop, uh… Your…medication. Did you stop taking it..?”
-
He cringed, and stepped back, away from Fida. He had almost forgotten that the kid had known about him ever ‘having’ to take medicine, that he’d caught him taking it once. Irfam had always been terrible at thinking up excuses on the fly. Regardless, he was just fine without it. It wasn’t like he deserved it either.
-
“He’s almost as annoying as you are, you know. He’ll try to convince you to take it again if you say you did. Oh, but you’re a terrible liar… I say you kill him like you did Alvis.”
-
Irfam turned towards Pewter, rigid and glaring, words barely given any thought before he spoke. For good reason! There was no way Fida would ignore Pewter saying that, no matter what Irfam had told him to do. “We are not killing him, Pewter!”
-
Pewter was smiling though, for once, even if the cats’ amber eyes seemed just as dead as they always did. Fida shifted somewhere near him.
-
“Wh-What..?”
-
Irfam looked back towards Fida quickly at the tone, catching the way he seemed to step back, staring, eyes wide. Staring at him. Not through him, not at Pewter. At him. As if he’d said something beyond wrong. As if he’d done something. As if Fida was afraid of him. Was it the comment about Alvis that Pewter had made? Was that it? Fida was probably focused on that. So he just had to fix that then… How was he supposed to do that? He was a terrible liar, Pewter had been right about that. But… He hadn’t, like, murdered Alvis. It’d been an accident. Right? He faltered for a moment and then, “I didn’t uh… Alvis hadn’t been… I hadn’t meant to.”
-
Fida looked confused for a moment, as if Irfam hadn’t been right about what was scaring him, and then the fear seemed to grow and he was taking another step back. Irfam wasn’t sure what he’d said wrong. He stood there, staring at the fear painted clearly on Fida’s face, on the trembling hands and general shakiness that was now affecting Al’s younger brother.
-
“You know… He isn’t trying to stop you from leaving anymore.”
-
He tried to take in a steadying breath as he considered Pewter’s words, finding the exhale tumbling when it left. Pewter was right though, as much as he wanted to stay and try to explain himself. He had to go, had to leave, get away from… This. He shouldn’t have come here anyways. So, with a last glance at Fida, he turned, quickly, and made his way out of the cemetery.
-
He barely noticed that the door was closed and locked when he reached his home, desperate to get inside and further away from what had happened. From the terrified expression on Fida’s face. He hadn’t wanted that. He hadn’t meant to scare the child, hadn’t meant to make Fida afraid. He still wasn’t sure what he’d done. What he’d said to make him so… The door was closed and locked behind him, and Irfam resolved to just stay inside for a few days. Or weeks. However long he decided to stay in bed.
Summer 
Day Weather: 
